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Anyone been in this place?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by OneSpirit, Aug 30, 2013.

  1. OneSpirit

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    So, - married w/ 5 kids between us for almost a decade. Came out earlier this year and at first thought "it didn't change anything". Was so thrilled (seriously) when I figured it out- actually went to him "Guess what?! I figured it out! I'm a lesbian!" All the pieces suddenly fit and it all made sense. Then I realized it changes everything.

    I had gotten to this point almost twice before in my life. Once when I was 16 (came out to a family friend, who told me "say bisexual, it sounds better. It's more accepted".- came out to my mom (as bi) who immediately kicked me out, and moved back in 2 months later on the condition that I "take it back".
    Came out to Mom again at 21 (as gay) and that was hours of crying, screaming, "why me".
    Dated men/ didn't mention women to Mom after that so it was a non-issue.
    Met a man with similar values, intelligence, sense of humor- and decided that it could work-and that living a gay life would be too hard.

    Ok, so here I am...10 years into a marriage- not perfect, but good. Best friends. We have it all. House, kids, friendship, love, family, 10 years of inside jokes and memories.
    We are about to file for divorce because of the gay thing. And I am just so angry I don't know what to do with myself. Angry and heartbroken.
    There's a scene (don't know that anyone will know this one, but...) from the movie "Dogma" where Bethany is in the water flailing her arms around screaming to God "What the F*** do you want from me?!?!?!" That's how I feel just about daily.
    And I do swing to wanting to move forward, feeling ok with being a lesbian- and when I think of trying to "fix things" with my husband- I always get stuck at the physical part...
    The main reason we decided to move forward with the divorce is because as soon as I came out - my lifelong shopping addiction vanished, my anxiety vanished, I started spending all my time outside, weight my body had been holding on to for years fell away without me trying, I felt comfortable in my body for the first time ever, I became more confident....the list goes on...
    I just feel unsure I can make it through this at this point- even though it is obviously the right thing- has anyone been here? So angry, so heartbroken, so gay? :slight_smile:
    Thanks, if you read all this you rock.
     
  2. greatwhale

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    Hi OneSpririt,

    Many of us have been in this place, a nightmare from which we are trying to awake. Actually, it's the awakening that made us realize what a nightmare this is!

    Doing the right thing has a certain dose of suckage that needs to be taken.

    I find it fascinating that your actual body responded to this event of coming out, yours is not a unique case!

    Yes, you can make it. These are not trivial things, but they are not insurmountable either, you will no doubt find strengths you never thought you had. Take it one day at a time, you do not need to consider the whole project in a single bound, a direction is all you need and you have found your compass here at EC!
     
  3. OneSpirit

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    Thanks greatwhale.
    Hard to explain a complicated situation in a few paragraphs and I don't know that my ramblings were very clear. Thanks for getting the general idea and responding.
     
  4. Stephany

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    One Spirit -

    Seriously, your story is 75% mine, except I am actually "bi sexual" or "gender blind" as some transgender people also attract me.

    I am married, 3 kids. We've been married 11.5 years. He knew I had "bi sexual tendencies" as he called them, but I didn't flat out tell him I was attracted to other genders until recently. I too was super shy, didn't feel comfortable, had so much anxiety and each day that is getting less and less. I can see him looking at me saying "what is wrong with you" when I get super excited about something, because I never would get super excited...about anything. Now I feel great. I'm taking better care of myself, I am happy, I say the things that I need to say. I have become a voice of gay rights and I can tell it's making him squirm. However, I doubt he'd leave. If for no other reason than he hates change.

    With that said. You still love your husband, no? You're still friends? Be open and honest about your feelings and listen to his. Don't shut down and don't let him. And when I say that, I don't mean nag him till he collapses, but let him know that you need/want to talk about this. And when he's ready, be there...with no judgement. I personally wrote my husband a million page (slight exaggeration) letter detailing all of my emotions/feelings so that he could read it and absorb it without looking at me...because I think looking at me made him uncomfortable when we were talking about it. I made sure to include the reasons I love him, still love him and will always love him not matter what. Because Love is not Gender.
    I also suggest you both talk to an outside party. If he's up for it. Not to save your marriage (do you want to live a lie?) but to save your friendship. You'll need that. And it's easier with someone mediating it.

    I hope nothing but love for you both and for your children. It'll be a climb that is for sure. If you need anyone to talk to this is a great place. And I'm always around peaking in and out of forums.

    Take care of yourself. Don't beat yourself up. You are doing the right thing by being honest with who you are.

    *Stephany*
     
  5. Dragonbait

    Dragonbait Guest

    OneSpirit, or maybe Kindred Spirit will be my nickname for you. I'm there right now, or almost there, same place with a few different details. I've been married longer, my marriage has really never been good, we were planning the divorce and I was believing that I'm asexual and always had been when a friend asked me if I was gay. Which triggered a lot of long forgotten (repressed?) memories and raised details that had never before held any special significance until viewed in light of that particular question, then it was like everything began to tesselate. Suddenly my sexual orientation shifted and became this incredible mosaic on a horizon that no longer seemed quite so bleak to me.

    But, since we were already preparing to divorce, I've chosen not to explore this realization in any way beyond EC for now. I guess I have a few luxuries you don't - my husband and I have always been terrible together, I believe this divorce may actually improve our relationship - so I'm really getting what I want, and there's not a whole lot of grieving I need to do, this is one entity that needed to be put out of it's misery. I'm not angry, I've gone so far past the anger that now I'm just numb and empty, but I am heartbroken - if for nothing more than the loss of that future I'd always thought I'd have. But at the same time, I feel excitement about the possibility of a different future, one that dare I say could potentially way outshine the one I'd been expecting. And no one other than me, EC and my hairdresser know about my recent epiphany, so I can take the time to close the door on this chapter of my life before opening the next. So I'm just going to take this one step at a time. Don't know if this is only going to prolong the suffering, or make it easier.

    In one way I do envy you a bit, just get it all over with in one fell swoop - like ripping off a bandaid. I guess there is no one right way, or easier way. There's just our own way and we find ways to deal with it as best we can. I have started seeing a therapist, had my third visit today and left feeling more at peace than I have in months, if not years, so if you're not already exploring therapy as an option, and if it is an option for you, I would highly recommend it!

    Any time you want to talk to someone dealing with some of the same stuff, feel free to message or wall post me. I can always use a Kindred Spirit. (*hug*) Big hugs. You're definitely NOT alone!
     
  6. flatlander48

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    I've been a mechanical engineer for 41 years. The company I work for has a great reputation for innovation. However, an oft mentioned phrase internally is that you can't schedule innovation.

    Similarly, you can't schedule an epiphany. They happen on their own timetable. The best we can do is deal with them as well as we can when they happen...