Hi all, I've been checking out the LGBT Later in Life forum for several weeks and finally became a registered member a couple of days ago. I would like to tell you my story and would appreciate any advice you might be able to give me. Let me say that I am a voracious reader and have purchased and read a lot of different books on being gay and coming out. As much as the books have helped, I think I really need to talk with real people who are going through or have been through where I’m at. I know this an extremely long post, and I apologize for the length, but feel that you need to know my whole story to offer constructive advice. With that in mind here’s my story. As a child and young adult I was totally into girls/women; to my knowledge I had no interest in boys/men. Although I liked girls/women, I was not that experienced with them. I always had a hard time talking with girls especially if I liked them. I felt awkward talking with girls, I was always afraid of saying the wrong thing and having them think I was dumb or weird. A couple years after high school I met a young lady at work, after dating for a year we got engaged, and six months later we were married. We were very happy and had a great sex life, but about five years into our marriage I discovered an attraction to men. As this was before personal computers and the internet, there weren't a lot of options to delve into these new feelings I was having. Over the next few months I purchased several gay men’s magazines and discovered that I was extremely turned on by men. As much as men turned me on though, I wasn't going to cheat on my wife, so I did not go beyond checking out the magazines. About six to eight months after I started purchasing the gay magazines I came home from work one night and found my wife sitting on the couch; as I came in the door she said I think we need to talk and held up two gay magazines I had hidden. She asked me if I was gay and I told her the truth; that I was curious about men and felt that I was probably bisexual. She asked me if I had been with any men; again I told her the truth that no I hadn't been, and would never cheat on her. We talked a little more that evening, and I assured her I would never cheat on her, and I never did. After a few days we never really talked about it again, and it was never an issue in our marriage. We were married for 24 years and have two great sons. Our sex life never seemed to suffer until the last year or two, but that had nothing to do with my sexuality. I do have to say, that my interest in men did not go away, and I did check out gay magazines and checked out a few gay movies before the internet. With the advent of the internet it made it easier to check out men, but I never took it any further than that. There were times when I really wanted to experience men, but I wasn't willing to give up my family for the experience. When the two boys came along I was working in retail sales and we only had two days a month off together as a whole family. So we spent all of our free time together with the boys, and in hindsight didn't make enough time for the two of us. As we grew older our interests grew in different directions, and we grew further apart. After 24 years we decided to separate for a while and came to the conclusion that at this point in our lives we were better at being friends than being husband and wife. We had a very amicable divorce, and after 10 years are still very good friends and talk on a regular basis. She has since met another man, a very nice gentleman with whom I get along with very well. About eight months after our divorce was final I came across a gay dating site on the computer and decided to sign up. I was amazed at how many other regular every day men there were out there who also liked men. I started conversing over the computer with a few different men and it was amazing being able to talk about liking men with someone else besides myself. After conversing with one gentleman for a month or so I decided it was time to give sex with a man a try. We agreed to meet and it was amazing, a little awkward at first because of it being my first time with another man. But not for long, it felt so natural to be with him and I knew this was something I needed to explore further. Over the next couple of months I met two other men, the third man had just recently come out to his wife and daughters and we really hit it off. We developed an on and off friends with benefits relationship over the next six years. The reason it as on and off was my doing, and looking back on it was not very fair to him. At that time I still considered myself bisexual, and had no interest in letting anybody find out about my secret life. So I was still dating women on and off, and whenever I was dating a woman I wouldn't see him. This happened about three times over the six years, and after the last one I started re-evaluating my life, and came to the conclusion that I preferred men to women. I talked to him about my new found sexual identity and told him I thought I was gay. We talked about it several times, and I told him that I was tired of having to hide my sexuality but wasn't sure I was ready to come out. He talked to me about his experiences and that he felt it was the best thing he ever did, but everyone had to do it in their own time. I had begun to think that maybe we could become something more than friends with benefits, but I took too long figuring this out and he had found somebody whom he felt could be the one. I will forever be thankful to him as he helped me realize who I really am. Shortly after that I had to move for work and haven’t talked to him in several years. I had hoped that moving would make it easier for me to explore the new me and meet other gay men as I wouldn't have to worry about running into family members and straight friends like I did in my previous town. But the last three years have been a struggle for me, I know I like men, and I’m ok with that, I’m just not secure enough to let myself get out in public and enjoy life as an open gay male. Because of this struggle I haven’t socialized much since I moved and have become very isolated except fort work. I recently decided I needed some help to get through this and get my life figured out. I should tell you that for about the last 15 years I've been taking medication for depression, so the first thing I did was make an appointment with a psychiatrist to make sure my medication was in order. After meeting with the psychiatrist he felt that my meds were fine, but that I would probably benefit from therapy. I have been meeting with a therapist every two weeks for the last two months and feel better just being able to talk with somebody about my issues. I've also been conversing with a gentleman that I hope to meet in the next week or so. In conversing with him I told him what I’m dealing with and he offered to meet and just talk about things. He also offered to introduce me to other gay men in the area if I was interested. I’m tired of having this secret hanging over me, and would like to be out and honest, but… there’s always a but… I need to figure out who I am and work on my self-worth. I should let you know that I have a younger sister that is gay and has been out for at least twenty years, and no one in the family has a problem with it. So I don’t think I would have much backlash from them, but I’m concerned about how my two sons might take it. So between working with my therapist and hopefully meeting this gentlemen I’m hoping to get a better grip on my life. I would appreciate any advice you might be able to offer.
wow.. a lot to read.. lemme process it all.. but.. welcome! Oh, and yeah, you need to just out yourself and then move onto the harder things in life. Lemme put the kids to bed and then I'll come back and read this all again
Thanks for sharing! I think the key is what do you want going forward? You seem to have an opportunity to reinvent yourself. Putting aside all the history of your past with relationships and missed opportunities, who do you want to be? What turns you on? What does he look like? Be specific. No one can tell you what to do or who to be at this point. That is very freeing! The opportunity to reinvent yourself into someone who is seeking a meaningful relationship with a guy that turns you on and meets your emotional needs is pretty exciting! It also sounds like you are in a good place to get feedback from a therapist on a regular basis as you come out to family. My bff who is gay and lives in L.A. has dealt with terrible depression. It can be crippling. We have spent many nights up talking on my "therapy couch" (therapy for both of us, lol) working through the intricacies of gay life. He now has a wonderful partner and is living a great life. There is hope!
I read every word. It sounds like the only thing standing in your way is you. Your ex-wife, family, friends, etc. all seem like they would be OK. If you raised your sons to be open-minded free thinkers, they should be fine, too.
Thank you all for taking the time to read through the novel that is my life. enigmeow, believe me, I have had that thought numerous times, just lay it out there and let the cards fall where they may. But then the self-doubt kicks in and I back out of doing it. I’m hoping my therapist can help me work through my feelings of inferiority and self-image issues. Californiacoast, you are right, I have an opportunity to reinvent myself, I just need to figure out who the real me is in other areas besides just my sexuality. You bring up some very good questions that I hadn't consciously considered, but will now. I agree, there is always hope; I’m the one who controls my future, I just need decide what that future is. KhanSaheb, I appreciate you reading every word, and you’re right, I am the only thing standing in my way. I believe that a major part of my problem has nothing to do with my sexuality, I know I like men and I’m OK with that. But I've had issues with my self-image and feelings of inferiority since I was in grade school, well before I ever discovered my attraction to men. I believe these feelings have more to do with me struggling with coming out than actually being gay. I’m hoping my therapist can help me deal with these issues. Once again thank you for the advice, it gives me more to think about and helps me feel a little closer to becoming the real me.
I have read your post a few times but until I had something bigger than an iPhone screen I wasn't going to post. Seems like you are your own worst enemy, what are you waiting for hurry up and meet this new gentlemen. You remind me about a joke where this guys house was flooded so people in boats come along to save the man and his reply was that The Lord will save him, you know rest of the story, another phrase that comes to mind is that it's never to late to be who want to be, or words to that effect. If the ex wife hadn't found a new man then that would cause some concern but that isn't a problem and I think she would be happy you found someone whether its same sex or not. Your sons may have a bit of trouble with you being gay but you have had years to think about it, so they may take some time to come around. Seattle is a fairly open city for gay rights half the guys i know who live their are gay, I know about people, so that shouldn't be a problem and if you are good at your work then work shouldn't be an issue. Your sister has had 20 years to be ok with being gay but you still seem to have a negative stigma about being gay. A therapist and the right drugs for your depression is important but to gain something you need to take a bit of a risk to put yourself out there, nothing ventured nothing gained. Any way to contact the guy you had been seeing even just to say hi to them, they will feel good that you thought of them and that will give you some positive feelings. Also don't be so hard on yourself. Maybe you know all this but delay and get a second opinion. Ok I will get of my soapbox now.
Cool Bananas, no problem with the soapbox, this is what I asked for and need to hear. You are right, I am my own worst enemy, I have been telling myself that I need to get my life figured out before meeting anyone, but with the help of my therapist I've realized that how can you figure something out if you’re not out there experiencing it. As she put it, you wouldn't buy a new car without trying it out, so how can you make decisions with your life without trying things out. When she said that it really resonated with me and I realized how right she was. So I am meeting tonight with the gentleman I mentioned in my life story and looking forward to giving new experiences a try. In messaging back and forth he has offered to introduce me to other gay friends of his and I find that very exciting. It would be nice to develop some friendships where I can just be me without worrying about having a secret. I believe that would be a big step for me in the process of coming out. I know I making it tougher than it probably needs to be, but I believe I’m very close to being there. I’m so tired of hiding this big secret, I know a huge weight will be lifted once I come out.
I agree with everyone that has posted. You are doing great. I would only say that you need to step up the pace. I only wish I was in your shoes . Iam married but still know I am a gay man and although I have come out to my wife and others I love I am stuck for a while longer. Keep up the progress you are awesome.(!)
Just want to give you an update, I met with the gentleman I talked about in my life story last night. It was great, we talked for about two hours and I came away feeling much better about who I am. We talked some about the local gay community and some of the local support groups I might be interested in. We also talked about him introducing me to some of his gay friends and showing me some of the local gay hangouts. Feeling pretty good this morning and looking forward to taking the next step and actually getting out in the local gay community. Once again I want to thank those of you who have taken the time to respond to my post. You've confirmed some of what I was already thinking/feeling, and also gave me some new things to think about. Between my therapist and the responses here I have taken another step and feel ready and look forward to taking more steps in the very near future.
I've experienced some of what you describe--two marriages, living as a hetero man. I've posted about my coming out elsewhere, won't go into that again, but do want to say that up to the moment before you make it public, it can look like the scariest thing you have ever, or ever will face again. Then, after--you will be like walking on air, wondering what made it so difficult. What is painful and difficult is living a divided life. When you are not at war with yourself--and hiding from the world and those you love internalizes what you imagine to be THEIR discomfort as though it were your own--that's living divided life. So letting people know is both HUGE... and no big deal. Every person you let know, you will feel your own confidence and strength grow ten fold. I wish you well ... you sound like someone who is caring and considerate and loving. that will take you a long way. Hugs!
DesertTortoise, thanks for taking the time to read and comment on my story. I totally agree with you about living a divided life; I've been living a divided life for far too long. I also know what you mean about feeling your confidence grow with every person you let know. The first person I told was my psychiatrist, and it felt so good to say “I’m gay” and then proceed to talk about it. The second was my psychologist and once again, once I told her “I’m gay” it felt so good. Now I know they are professionals and are being paid to listen to me, but just being able to tell someone else that I’m gay felt wonderful. Then after meeting the gentleman in my story Sunday night it felt good talking openly with someone other than a professional about being gay. I know that when I come out to my family a huge weight will be lifted; but I’m also aware that not all of the ramifications from coming out will be positive. But I believe the positive of having my family know the whole me rather than the divided me will be worth it.
