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How to stay open and move forward?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by StellarJ1, Aug 30, 2013.

  1. StellarJ1

    Regular Member

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    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    I have been in a fear or hiding mode for what seems like forever. I keep running from myself and I just want to stay. It feels so much more like home when I just accept everything, and then it is even funny. It brings lightness.

    But I constantly resist being open to intimacy. It terrifies me. I know how alive and relieved it makes me feel, but I have this patterned response to intimacy where I am always in a protective mode, and half shut down. And when I say intimacy, I just mean talking to somebody. It could be at work or a friend or even myself, I suppose.
    I am often closed to myself when I am alone, and I have to keep trying to stay awake.
    ...Remind myself that I am gay based on my intuition(I had a powerful realization moment about 4 months ago), even though I have never had a same-sex experience.

    My big problem seems to be with women. I was in a straight relationship for over 10 years, then got divorced about 3 years ago. Afterwards, I dated many woman and have slowed it down to pretty much a stop since they didn't work. I have dated 1 woman, more or less, in the last year. It was short, I kept her at bay in terms of commitment, but was very honest about my commitment issues. It didn't last very long.

    I have continued to be friends with the last 3 woman I dated, which is some measure of success for me.

    I crave sex and woman are my drug, but I rarely act on it. When I do I often feel numb and angry the next day. Even in situations where we communicate that we are just having fun with no strings attached.

    This process of trying to accept being gay is tricky, difficult, and scary. I am trying to get my mind to open up to be attracted to men and unlock my deep repression.

    In the meantime, I keep skimming a straight dating app and visiting with women friends who I keep in the friendzone for the most part, except for one whom I have actually confided in that I think I am gay. I invited her over the other night and asked if she wanted to fool around....It's like I am torturing myself and it stalls my progress and can actually make me take backwards steps.

    I try to abstain from masturbation and sex with woman and accept that I am gay and move through it. (Abstaining seems to be a strong way to keep away numbness and helps me be more confident). But my sexual repression slowly builds to a fevered lust and my deep repression starts making me try to setup a situation where I can have sex with a woman. Then cycle keep happening.

    I recognize that this is the hardest part for me. But I need to move forward if I am going to not live in fear and be happy. It's easy to get lost in the old machinations of repression and not even realize that I numbing.

    I have entertained the idea of going to a gay bar for an experiment, but am pretty terrified.
     
    #1 StellarJ1, Aug 30, 2013
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2013
  2. Adi

    Adi
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    What makes you feel that you're gay, exactly? Haven't you ever thought that maybe you crave sex with women because... you actually like women? The fact that you use words like "lust" (regarding women) and "repression" (regarding abstaining from sex with women) makes me think that might actually be the case. Even if you do like guys, that does not mean you can't also like girls, and vice versa. And if that's the case, it's not healthy to repress either side of you.
     
  3. Stephany

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    Has bisexuality been a thought of yours at all?