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Finally accepted my desires but confused

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by globe, Sep 1, 2013.

  1. globe

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    Hi everyone,

    I am so glad I have found these forums. It is an wonderful way to share experiences with other people who could understand us or give different points of view.

    I am male, almost 40 and married. For at least the last 15 years I have been having a secret sexual desire for older men. I only expressed this desire on the internet looking for pornography and chatting online with other guys. I didn't accepted myself with this sexual desire until very recently. I have to say that after my online activities I always cleaned the internet history for being afraid that anyone including my wife could discovered this secret of mine, and I always said to myself that I would not repeat such activities.

    Some months ago I couldn't handle it anymore and I had my first sexual encounter with another guy, which I love it. Because I am an anxious person, I read that HIV was more prevalent in the gay population and started PEP (Post-Exposure Prophylaxis) treatment after 1 day with this guy and after heading to the hospital urgencies. Later I read that my sexual encounter it wasn't considered a risky situation and that I didn't need PEP at all but people from the hospital gave it to me anyway because they felt I was a very anxious and an obsessive person. I said to myself that I would not repeat any more gay encounters, but this time with afraid of the HIV.

    Now I feel that I can't refuse anymore my sexual desires and I want to explore it with another guys. I learn from my first sexual experience with a guy that I want more than sex, friendship is very important to me too, and even consider establishing a relationship with an other guy.

    I think I love my wife, or at least we are very good friends, but our sexual life is not very good. Moreover my wife is talking about having a son which is a big step. I do not know what to do and I feel bad in cheating my wife.

    Thanks for reading.
     
  2. Fellow

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    Congratulations on accepting those feelings, I don't know about you, but once I did that, it's like a huge weight on my shoulders suddenly disappear and it felt like I just started really living in that exact moment.
    About your wife, I think you should just be truthful, because it's her future on the line, not just yours, but before you do that, try to get some counseling if you're not taking any for the moment.
     
  3. whyme10

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    I am so proud of you. Like you I denied myself when I finally did it I felt exactly as you do. You are ok in my book. There is no hurry to come out to your wife do it in your own time. I came out to those I love including my wife and now it is a dont ask don't tell situation. She is so afraid of being alone the rest of her life. But we must think of ourselves too. You are young I wish I had come out at your age, but I didn't so I do the best I can.

    You will be the happiest you have ever been for being who you were meant to be. Again I am just so proud of you. :kiss:
     
  4. Ted38

    Ted38 Guest

    I'm so happy for you that you are figuring out what you really want in life. Being honest with yourself and everyone in your life is crucial. (As I'm finding out as well right now!) Tw one thing I would say is that it's unbelievably important to be open with your wife right now especially. Unless of course you aren't having ANY sexual contact with her. I stepped out on my wife twice and made the mistake of not telling her. We had sex for a month afterward. That whole time, I was literally putting her life at risk. I'm just saying, you owe her that respect at least.

    I know this is a terribly tough time for you. I'm in a similar boat and understand exactly what you're feeling. Time to live honestly for YOU! Congratulations!
     
  5. mountainy

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    sex is not everything. just because u are attracted to men does not impose an obligation on you to have sex with them. if u intend to stay married i suggest you limit yourself to masturbation alone, and focus on foreplay type activities with your wife not necessarily leading to intercourse. foreplay can last hours and be very satisfying
     
  6. globe

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    Thank you for your replies. I think I am in the right place :slight_smile:

    Since the episode with the other guy I started counseling immediately. My therapist opinion is that I should get a divorce. Regarding telling the true to my wife things are not so easy because I live in a small town and I will get very affected both in personal and professional levels.

    For some time now that me and my wife barely have sex and since the sexual encounter with the other guy I didn't have sex with my wife at all with afraid of transmitting some STD to her.

    I understand that sex is not everything but it is very important and I believe that almost everyone could have a satisfactory sexual life with responsibility and respect for other people.
     
    #6 globe, Sep 2, 2013
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2013
  7. Lizzy

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    Oh wow globe, I feel like I am reading my own biography but I am female...I am proud of you for seeking your true feelings and counseling. I have been married to the same man for years but have been thinking more and more about having a relationship with a woman. Thanks for your post, you have helped me to have a better understanding of who I am, it won't be easy for me as you well know, but I know I need to do something and I don't want to cheat on my husband...frustrating mentally and physically.
     
  8. Varro

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    Hi everyone, i turn 50 this year and also coming to a realization about being gay. I am married and been in a relationship for 15 years. I too love my wife, she is my best freind, i was up front from day one about being what i thought at the time was BISEXUAL, however i am now questioning myself as our sexual conections arent full filling.

    My wife beleives that i am gay and should persue my true path, however she is also concerned about being left alone and that at her age, 55, she is past her used by date so to speak. Im also in an emotional seesaw and really trying to avoid upsetting her.

    The last time i tried being honest and open about my bisexuality to my sisters they told my father, hence they have all divorced me, including my neices and nephews, and i was removed from my parents will.

    So fear, lonelyness confusion adds to my anxity and depression. I feel empathy for all who share similar paths... and compassion and love to all LGBT :kiss:
     
  9. Lindsey23

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    I think you should get a divorce. I'd say you should tell her why but it sounds like that is not a realistic option for you. If you start a family with her that will just make it more difficult later. I've been married for 10 years and have children. My husband is my best friend, that's why I thought I could make it work. But my attraction to women hasn't gone away...If you get out now you will minimize the damage. And you'll be free to be who you are.
     
  10. greatwhale

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    I concur with the above, divorce without kids is just a breakup with paperwork. Your orientation will not change, no matter what. Rip off the Band-Aid now, it will sting, it will hurt both you and her, but consider this a kind of vaccine against a much worse outcome if kids come along.

    I speak from experience on this one!
     
  11. globe

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    My wife is my best friend too, and I would love telling her the true, the true reason behind a possible divorce. I would love telling her that finally I discovered and accepted who I really am.

    But there is the ideal way and the possible way. One have to balance the advantages and disadvantages of each choice. On one hand and as I already have said I think my life will get severely affected both personally and professionally exposing my self. If I knew that my wife would not tell anyone I would tell her the true. But it is a too risky situation. On the other hand I feel bad about my wife not knowing the true, after wall she is my best friend. I think she suspects something but do not have enough evidence to support it.

    I would like to have children and if I opt out for the divorce I will not have it. I also do not enjoy hook-ups and I would like to have a more stable relationship with another guy, but I already noticed that in small towns this is not very easy because people start talking about and many gay men avoid relationships.
     
  12. Omla

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    Thanks for admitting that the act of telling
    Might be less good than people seem to say.
    Divorcing without "coming clean" does sound appealing.

    I wonder if it can be reframed.

    The wife doesn't need to feel as distressed about years of sex with a partner who
    Turned out to be gay.

    There can be no real loss of face in the community if you wait a bit.

    Admittedly, dishonesty seems unappealing
    But if it is actually the best for everyone what's the harm.

    Are we worried somehow metaphysically
    That we will carry the dishonesty as karma and our wife will
    In some way as well.

    Maybe it is more of an issue of a tactful
    Exit.

    If she doesn't know you harbor gay feelings
    She's possibly such a self deceptive person
    That this lack of truth would be a mere subset
    Of her issues.

    I think with my wife that may well be the case.

    Is a horribly messy damaging divorce better than this
    Case of lack of honesty.
     
  13. globe

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    I knew a guy who got divorced at 60 and he advised me no matter what I shouldn't tell my wife that I am gay and even if she suspects to deny it. It seems even if I have good intentions (telling my wife the true) the problem is that this fact could back fire to me at any point in the future with the wrong intentions.

    If we lived in a perfect world I would tell my wife the true but we all have to live in harmony at society (or at least to try) and telling the true in my case would do more damage than good.

    I am still not having sex with my wife to avoid any remote possibility of transmitting her any STD, keeping with the counseling and I hope to find really soon an answer whether I should got the divorce or not. But I think I already have one more clue for this answer because I had sex with one more guy this week and I hope to have more soon.

    What is very difficult to me is even to think how to ask for a divorce after so many years together. I still don't have the courage.
     
    #13 globe, Sep 7, 2013
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2013
  14. Omla

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    Live to you brother