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Weird, awkward, scary--and done

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Choirboy, Sep 1, 2013.

  1. Choirboy

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    I told her. Just like that. We had a bit of an issue tonight with our older daughter, which led to a general discussion of trust and the problems between us, and she asked me bluntly if I wanted her out. Which then led to me being honest and saying that the only reason I was not filing for divorce at the moment was because financially, it would be a complete disaster, and while things are bad between us, I didn't hate her or want to throw her out or destroy her life. Then, after a beat or two, I heard myself saying that I couldn't blame her completely for our problems, because I think I'm gay. No script, not planned, but that was it.

    She was insanely calm and said that it didn't bother her, and she had suspected it for a long time. Can't go into a lot of details at the moment (she's upstairs and awake yet), and there's a lot to talk about yet. But the toughest conversation is done. Holy crap.
     
  2. Dragonbait

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    HOLY CRAP!!! Choirboy!!! You're my hero of the night. You are so brave and amazingly courageous and incredibly impetuous and you took the leap and she suspected and it's done it's done it's done!!!!! Do you feel like your knees are just going to buckle out from under you or do you feel like jumping up and down on the beds? OH MY GOD!!! Go ahead, you be all conservative and reserved and type without embellishment, I'll celebrate and use bold and caps and post the obnoxious gay dancing banana on your behalf. (!)

    I am so happy for you!!!!! (*hug*) Congratulations. Wow. How's it feel?
     
  3. SimpleMan

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    Congrats Choirboy!
     
  4. Tightrope

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    Yes, there will still be a lot to iron about. But you're past hump day, meaning the Wednesday of this equation. Congrats.
     
  5. drs

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    (!)AWESOME! Congratulations. I'm glad to hear that she had taken it calmly. My wife has been the same way, for the most part. Some days have been better than others, but THE HARDEST PART is over!
     
  6. Choirboy

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    It was so fucking weird. She got very unpleasant in public with our oldest daughter yesterday about something very stupid, and I snapped at her (in a store, yet) and basically told her off, so I was already primed. Today, said oldest daughter gave us another round of hanging with friends, not telling us where she was or how long she would be gone, lost her phone, and ended up getting very hysterical and defensive. It was a bad scene, and my wife as usual started making it worse by tossing strange digs and comments AT HERSELF into the conversation. (She's got borderline personality disorder, no question.) Once our daughter went to her room to calm down, the two of us got into it, and I basically said I didn't trust her to react like a rational adult with the kids, and I had just about had it. Which then led to a discussion about divorce, and the fact that I want to but we can't afford it.

    Then, after a pause, I just suddenly went, I don't hate you and I can't blame you for all of this, because I think I'm gay. WHOOP, there it is.....

    That led to all sorts of strange and awkward little Q&A sessions. How long did I know, did I have someone, did I lose weight because I was trying to impress a guy, etc. Very calm and rational. In her usual BPD way, it kind of became about her in a lot of ways--she talked about being a "stay-at-home mom" (she's been part-time for 3 years, ran a small business we owned for 5 years before that, and only 8 years ago was really a "stay-at-home mom"), how she was going to find someone since her best years were behind her, how she wished she knew 20 years ago so she could have left town, etc. I can't blame her for being upset, but the general tone was very odd. She also pointed out that whenever we fought, she had always asked me if I was gay and I always denied it, and claimed that was what had been bothering her all these years. Which is a load of crap because the only times she ever asked that were in the heat of battle when she was using it as something to taunt me with (What's the matter? You GAY or something?"), but I am used to history being re-written to suit her immediate needs.

    What happens next is anybody's guess. I'm hoping she doesn't smother me in my sleep. She seems to think it won't take me long to find a guy to replace her with and so far we're going to co-exist somehow. Lord knows that will be a challenge. She also claims to be seeing a therapist but as best as I can tell, it was one or two visits a few months ago. The fact that I am out does not negate the fact that she is pretty damn nuts, but one thing at a time. I feel very oddly at peace. She kept asking if I was sure, and seem to think it was just a story I had concocted to get rid of her (yeah, like THAT happens in real life! Sitcoms, maybe....) and also expressed some gloating concern over how my sisters and brother would react "if" I told them. I said, my sisters will be supportive and I don't really give a rat's ass what my brother thinks. Now that she knows, I really don't care who else does. I'm not advertising or raising a rainbow flag outside of our suburban home, but if anyone asks I WILL tell. I've got nothing to lose now. It's kind of amazing.
     
  7. Chip

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    That's really great news. Once you address the elephant in the room, you can have real conversations and determine what's best for both of you.

    ...and as is most often the case, it isn't coming as a complete surprise to her, so that will soften the blow some. Of course, she'll probably still go through the 5 stages of loss (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance) so be prepared for that... but you're on your way!

    Congratulations!
     
  8. Lindsey23

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    Wow, at least it's out. Coming out to my spouse was unplanned too. It came after a night of heavy drinking and then discussing divorce. Our discussion led to me saying "I don't think I'm straight"...He was calm too but we've had our ups and downs since then...I wish you the best.
     
  9. L0veIsL0ve

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    Congratulations on coming out, even if it wasn't how you planned. I think you will find you feel much better now. I wish you luck while you and your family try to figure out what comes next.
     
  10. biAnnika

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    Wait! What?! The dancing banana is *gay*?? Goddamnit!! And I thought we had something. *sniff*

    But on the upside...Choirboy...I am so happy for you!

    You know, you could probably both benefit from a therapist (separately...it seems like you're well beyond the notion of joint sessions). She definitely sounds like she could use some help...this issue completely aside.

    Go easy on yourself the next few days. But do keep moving forward. It sounds like an exciting new chapter is opening for you! *hugs*
     
  11. Dragonbait

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    Of course he's gay. This is Choirboy's coming out party - do you think I'd send him a straight dancing banana?! C'mon Annika, how cruel do you think I am?! :evil:
     
  12. drs

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    I'm glad I'm not the only one who finds the dancing banana to be obnoxious... But, sometimes it just has to be done.
     
    #12 drs, Sep 1, 2013
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2013
  13. biAnnika

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    Cruel enough to deny me a bisexual banana. *drool* Bananas are so...but that's a topic for another thread.

    *Looks you in the eye* Now a serious question. Why the hell are we still awake at this hour? G'night dear!
     
  14. Feijoa

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    That made me spit coffee!

    Well done Choirboy - I suspect relief and a huge amount of adrenalin is coursing through right now, with perhaps a mixture of disbelief at how "easy" that was? More to come for you, and perhaps not the start you imagined - but here it is! All the best for what lies ahead
     
  15. Suffocation

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    (!) :kiss: Congrats! :slight_smile: It's a bit scary how easy it can be coming out to someone, once the words escape your mouth it's almost as if you are 99% done. Well, anyways congrats and I hope things work out for you. :smilewave
     
  16. Choirboy

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    Does anyone know of any resources comparable to EC for our spouses? I'd love to point my wife to someplace where she can vent, express her fears, talk about the future and so on, but preferrably someplace that will not immediately go in the direction of bashing the gay spouse. I don't know that I could have talked to her last night without knowing that there are so many others who have done the same, and I probably would have just kept muddling along for God knows how long. She's a difficult person in many ways, and our problems are absolutely not 100% or even 75% because of me being gay, but she deserves some support too, and she really has no friends or family who are likely to understand this even remotely. It's the rescuer in me....but I feel so much relief and self-confidence and optimism and pride at this point that I really want to help her in some way too. Any suggestions?

    By the way--I really, really, really love you guys....(The bold type is just for you, Dragonbait!)
     
  17. jae

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    Choirboy

    Happy for you! Hope all goes well for you from this point on. Stay positive, and be there for your wife.
     
  18. greatwhale

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    Oh man, I've been spending the weekend with a severe pain in the neck, only able to post of few times cuz my right arm is affected and even moving the mouse is agony. I missed all this dammit! :icon_sad:

    Well Choirboy, never too late for a whole slew of dancing bananas and other assorted critters!!

    (!) (!!) :eusa_danc (!) (!!) (!) :thumbsup:
     
  19. Dragonbait

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    See, now you're turning those tables on me Choirboy, being so sweet. You almost make me wish you didn't have a penis. :lol:

    And just for you being so very bold on my behalf, I did a little searching for you. Although not up to my usual research standards (meaning I just couldn't stand to read through the posts - I really don't want to think about what they're thinking about) This did seem to be the number one result - both in my own relatively fruitless search and the fact that it also seems to be the one most referred to in articles, other blogs and sites similar in focus to EC. It's called the Straight Spouse Network - if you go to their main page it looks like they're just trying to sell books and solicit donations, but they do have a forum for people dealing with the discovery that their spouse is GLBorT. Here's the direct link to the forum - skip the fundraising stuff. VoyForums: SSN Forum

    Again, my caveat is that I did NOT read through the posts, just read a few post titles and noticed the large number of rapid responses to the current posts - so it's apparently a busy, popular site. But I can't tell you if it's truly a helpful forum (like our beloved EC) or just a place to bitch, moan and commiserate. I'm hoping for both your sakes that it's a good, supportive place.

    Anyway. Check it out and good luck. Keeping the digits crossed for you both. (*hug*)
     
  20. DrWhoFan

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    Have to say that when my ex joined the SSN it seemed to be full of quite bitter people at a sensitive time. But YMMV and all that... I made the mistake of reading what he had written about me and it wasn't pretty at the start. Got better with time thankfully.
     
    #20 DrWhoFan, Sep 2, 2013
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2013