Well, a lot has happened since I last was here. I met a girl through work. We just clicked and started seeing each other. It was great, for a while. But she was so afraid people would see us together. It didn't last long. My best friend put it in perspective for me: she has no idea who she is, so how can she figure out who we were. It hurt a lot. Partly because no one has ever clicked with me before like that. Partly because the time we were together I was really happy. And partly because she doesn't even want to be friends anymore. It didn't end badly, we just decided it wouldn't work out. I wanted a relationship, and she wanted...I am not sure. During that time, I was at my mothers house, helping my step-dad with some home repairs. My mother said how happy I had been lately, that she was thrilled that things were coming together with my job (been there since January) and stuff like that. Then she said how all I needed was to find a nice guy to settle down with. I guess she saw something on my face, because she got excited and asked if I was seeing someone. I told her that I wasn't really interested in guys. So she proceeded to tell me how I just hadn't met the right one yet. I got upset, and told her that I really wasn't interested in guys. She said how she would rather I be single forever than "that way". When I asked what would happen if I did meet someone, and fell in love and it was a woman, what would happen. She said it would kill her. So I left, and called my aunt. When I told her what happened, she flipped. She called my mother, and I don't know what she said but my mother called me later and said how she had been joking. Real funny... Whatever has happened these last few months, at least, I think, my question has been answered. I don't think I want to say "I am gay", mostly because I hate to limit myself. But the possibility of me meeting a guy, and being attracted to him and wanting to have the whole relationship, marriage, etc is more and more remote every day. I am glad things happened with S. Even though it was what it was, it was really good for me. I just hope I was good for her too.
I'm glad to see you back, Arizona! Such a familiar story...it's good on the whole that you went through this, it clarifies things and it will make your next relationship better because you now know what to avoid! Time marches on, of course, and you will find someone, without a doubt, that you deserve and who deserves you!