My maine issue i am haveing is the problem accepting someday i may or may not have a girlfriend that people may look at me as an outcast or nothing more then a label. Like walking up a street getting someone who will ask me "Are you gay" Or the meeting me for the first time and the next thing you know is you got the other house beside you whispering around the place about you being "Gay" as if your a word. First ill say i am not gay i am homoflexible. But to some people i fear all thell see is the word gay or bi or homoflexible or whatever they believe in assumption. and i turn into just a somebody. Or i turn into someone who is strange or weird or someone who you should shun. I think about my future and i think what if i someday had a girl not a guy as a lover and had a kid what would happen to them would they turn around and say "damn i hate life?" Because of me bringing them into a harsh world where not all people accept others? Now i understand many many people think about this...and i am sure there are people who struggle with this thought worse then i ever will. But i am worried i am worried about me as of now..only because i don't know i am unsure and i am scared. Im scared to accept myself and im scared to be hated. How do i accept myself and not worry about a future that hasn't happened yet? I know its dumb to ask but...what if...all i want is to be a person...and im worried the world may see me as a label not a person. What do i do to not worry to accept me and not care of others thoughts? I see so many others who seem to accept themselfs yet i cannot because i fear the future if i do. (sorry for the bad spelling)
Hi RoyalRed, please know that you are perfect and wonderful in whatever way you are. If you spend any more time trying to fit into a label that isn't authentic, you'll suffer for it. Doing that is like refusing to use your eyes even though they work perfectly. I'm speaking from a gret deal of experience. I spent nearly 30 years, 30 YEARS! conforming to other's labels though I knew it wasn't authentic, and I suffered greatly - tremendous depression, suicidal thoughts, emotionless droid-like behavior, total misery. The longer I've been out, the more I regret allowing myself to be trapped in the closet. The point is that you cannot conform to another's label. You also can't worry about what others will think or say. You just be the best person you can because that's all you have control of. You cannot fix the stupid, the crazy, the foul or the biggot in other people. Be strong, and love life.
I also spent a good long time trapped in the closet. And I worried about the same things you are. Honestly, some of them I still think about, mostly regarding my kids. The thing is, whatever is true for you needs to be allowed to be. It eats us up when we hide. I know it did for me, anyway. So many years of trying to be Susie Homemaker and trying to be interested in things like sewing, scrapbooking, cake pops. Ugh. Lol I believe love will find you if you are living the life you are meant to live. I wouldn't even worry about "not having a girlfriend someday"- although I do understand the impulse to think that way, I do. I find myself wishing as I write this, that someone would have said these words to me at age 19. Not to be afraid. Not to hide. That it's all gonna be alright. Because it is.
I think the biggest concerns I'm hearing are about how other people will view you if this or that happens. The big question for you is: Whose life is this? Is it yours? Or theirs? If you're going to live your life trying to placate everyone, and make sure they don't think this or that about you...that abdicates ownership of your life. In fact, fewer people than you think will care (although it is ever the lot of adolescents to think that everybody is thinking about them and judging them harshly, any adult can tell you that this is simply not the case...and you probably know it at some level). And as Dr. Seuss reminds us...those who matter will not mind, and those who mind do not matter.
I struggle with this too. I think it might help you to find a LGBT organization and get involved. If you start hanging out with people who are like you you will feel more accepted. And they definitely won't hate you. I wish I had done this when I was your age.
I live in a area that is only filled with jugment even if i found that group i fear id still see to much of what i hate. but i am hopeing to someday move and go to a lgbt group in ga.
@ royalred I think biAnnika said it best with the Dr Seuss quote. I may add that, although this is a bit pessimistic, people who live their lives judging others will FIND a reason to judge you. If that's the case ( and trust me it is), would it not be easier to justify yourself by, in fact, being yourself? In the end the truth needs no justification because it simply is.
I like many others on this forum have spent way too much time and energy living inauthentic lives in a futile attempt to try and fit into an externally defined box that is ever changing based on the whims of the dominate culture. It is futile. It is exhausting. It is shaming. And I truly believe that disengaging from that unhealthy and vicious cycle and coming to rest in a place of self-acceptance and authenticity is what comprises our life's work. In my experience what I found to be the most helpful was learning to get out of my head — my fears and worries about the future and my regrets about the past — and learn to live in the present moment. Meditation has been a great aid in that work. The other piece that I found to be incredibly beneficial was learning about the power of shame and the controlling impact it had on my life. I would invite you to read Gerson Kaufman's book, Coming Out of Shame, or the work of Brene Brown. What I learned from these great teachers is that in our culture and in particular being someone who does not fit the dominate cultural narrative it is really, really easy to develop a shame-based identity and they way you describe your fears I would bet that is a piece of that with which you are struggling. There will always be haters, but there will also be lovers. The Taoist say that there are really only two emotions — love and fear. See if you can begin to shift your heart so that it leans more toward love and less to fear. Wishing you a cleared mirror by which to see yourself.
