I have a question which seems ridiculous but one which I keep coming back to. I am 39 years old and had never seriously questioned my sexuality. I always dated men bc --well that's just what my family/friends/acquaintances did. Thinking back I always enjoyed the company( and look) of women. However being gay was ' just not an option'. That is until I met a woman who seemed to be everything I ever wanted and needed to become the absolute best version of myself. I fell in love. Crossing the gap between heterosexual sex and homosexual sex was seamless/natural. Right. Unfortunately, I have a million complicating factors ( as do all of you) including children divorce religious and family conflicts. The stress of juggling it all has me questioning myself. Could this be a phase I'm going through? Am I having a midlife crisis or a midlife realization? I see beautiful women everywhere now. I imagine my life only with women, however, I keep having that nagging thought-- are you SURE?? Really really sure? Even if I am sure,I will admit I sometimes wonder--- is it worth it? I feel like a train headed downhill with no breaks--- aimed at all the people I care for. Am I the only doubting Thomas?
If you're Thomas, then I'll be Tommie. Stories so much the same, but I've yet to cross that physical gap, which makes me question even more. The chant, "Midlife crisis" has been set on repeat in my head for a week or more. The only answer I have to that concern is that I've been unhappy in my marriage far longer than I've been anywhere near mid-life, so I know that freeing us all is the right step. The rest? Will just have to fall into place, or fall away as I continue speeding down that track of self-discovery. I'm already a train-wreck, things can only get better from here, right?
I've been having sex with men for 40 years and I still wonder if this is just a "phase I'm going through."
Lovetoski- Oh wow- that last part- train going downhill with no brakes- aimed at all the people I care about. I could've written that myself. Yes. I keep questioning- even though I KNOW. I keep going back to "am I making all this up?" And then I go back through every year of my life and see these CLEAR signs EVERYWHERE and still, I think ... "Yeah...but..." Truthfully, I wish I were making this up sometimes. It feels like it hurts too many people, it's "the hard way". And yet, it also doesn't matter- it is the ONLY way for me. It is my truth, even if I have moments when I am not thrilled about it. Thank you for posting this. It is good to hear I am not the only one thinking these things. It helps so much.
You are not alone, trust me. I have been ignoring my feelings for women my whole life. I still have yet to date a women, i always dated men, because i felt like it was what i was suppose to do. but I know I want to date women. I know I am more attracted to women then men. But I struggle with the fact that so many people in my family HATE gay people. So I feel like I should just force myself to keep dating guys, so I don't disappoint them. But at the same time, ignoring it this far as only caused me more pain. So I am torn. I just want you to know you are not alone. *hugs*
I dated women and men in college and grad school. Then I convinced myself the women were just a phase and tried to be just straight for 12 years. It was terrible. I ended up married at the end of that time and divorced anyway, for reasons not related to my sexuality. Then after 2 years of celibacy, I came out as a lesbian. I had my first sexual experience with a woman since 1999 last weekend. She was actually the same girl that I first kissed in 1993. It was amazing. The sex was so much better now a age 38 than last time she and I were together. (I was with some others after her before I swore off women). After having my "doubts" back then - which are really just a strong desire to fit in and a reaction to a different exgirlfriend marrying a man- I do not doubt now that I am a lesbian.
