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Gay Dating Scene - More Difficult than I Thought

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by globe, Sep 7, 2013.

  1. globe

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    Hi,

    I am a gay married guy which only very recently accepted my sexuality. For some time now I do not have sex with my wife and now I am dating another guys. I am already very stressed with the dating scene, the guys I really enjoy don't like me and vice-versa. This remembers me when I was dating women and all the stresses associated with it. But now even worse because I feel gay people have more problems related with the stigma of society.

    I would love having a relationship with another guy but I am already noticing that this will be not be very easy and it could take some time or couldn't happen at all. If I though I could find a gay relationship I would get the divorce. But on the other I think I am not being true with my wife and should leave her for living her life. I have fears If I get the divorce I would not find a relationship with another guy and end alone.

    Please what are your experience about this situation.
     
  2. resu

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    Does your wife know about this? It is bad that you think of her as only a companion that you will dump as soon as you find a man. I think you should get the divorce first before you start looking. I'm pretty sure a lot of guys you're dating are not willing to go into a long term relationship with a man who is still married to a woman.
     
  3. Rakkaus

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    I would agree with resu, that if you're going to start dating guys, you should probably come out of the closet to your wife, it's not fair to just keep dating guys behind her back only keeping her as a backup so you won't be alone. She has the right to find a partner who will be attracted to her in a way that you can't.

    As for the gay dating scene, well, you just gotta keep trying, it's hard to find a guy whom you like and connect with, but he's out there somewhere.
     
  4. Tightrope

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    Well, it's a numbers game. You're picking from a smaller pool. Then the pool is then segmented by different types who have different types. The same is true of the heterosexual pool, really, except that the pool is much bigger.

    I learned a lot from a trial relationship when I was 34. This guy was 42 and putting the finishing touches on a PhD. He was very virile, but he didn't find himself to be and deflected these compliments. The problem: he was gay and out, and I wasn't. He called me a hypocrite. In between all this, the negativity he spewed about life were legendary and they registered with me. As far as hypocrisy goes, I then learned he took up with a married guy in the college town with whom he had a secret relationship and the position (roles) suited him fine because the married guy liked to play "catcher." This guy is now a professor. He is still single, so no one gets to look at that deeply dimpled chin on a nightly basis. In "ratemyprofessors," he is tagged as "hot" per the student votes. Also, one time I was in town and went to the gym, a chain gym, and he was there. How immature - he didn't say hi, how are you doing, or pat me on the arm! I thought "big teenage girl, and not a real man." Yet, if this is the one time I'm in town, and he's in the wet area, then he's there a LOT.

    At any rate, I never put much stock in it, finding it kind of too much effort for not much return. I was once doing the hookup things via media. The criteria was clear - Bi, regular guy, NSA. I went to two meetings with two gay guys, and we talked on the phone. The vibe was good and we decided to meet in person. One was a flight attendant and a little intimidating, as he was a hair out of my league. During dinner, I asked that, as a result of his job, he must have had a lot of opportunities to meet people. He made it sound oh-so tragic, like it's so hard. At any rate, it ended with a long hand-shake. I don't like high-end seafood restaurants to talk. Another one was with another gay guy who was a lawyer from a good Southern school. Again, it was dinner but at a cheaper chain restaurant - thank God. He was decent looking, slightly military in the haircut department. Again, the idea was sex, not "lunch with the girls." He went on to say that he was looking for a Dylan McDermott type to take back to this parents in the South to meet. Good luck. I'll bet he's still looking.

    Then, two guys who identified as bi answered. One was a goofy but handsome tall guy 2 years younger than me with slightly dated dark hair and a mustache. He could have been a fireman, except for the lack of muscles, but worked for a tech company. The other guy was a sturdy decent looking divorced guy 2 years older than me who was in mortgage lending. We met at a coffee shop. We talked easily, there was no B.S., and we wound up going home right after about 30 to 45 minutes of drinking our coffee. These led to FWB arrangements. I knew from their general lack of pretense and high drama b.s. that I would be closing the deal.

    The problem is "so many flakes, so little time," that you can't let it get to you. And if you're running dry, then at least settle for some good sex - safe sex.
     
    #4 Tightrope, Sep 7, 2013
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2013
  5. globe

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    I think you are right, how can I expect to have a relationship with another guy if I am still married. Because I am an anxious person I am already expecting the worst case scenario when living a full gay life with the gay dating scene.
     
  6. bdman

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    What resu said...Get your life in order first...Don't cheat on your wife with a man, it's not fair to her. I desire a monogamous relationship, but personally for me....I would not want to date a man who was cheating on his wife with me.

    Now, about gay dating. You have no idea how right you are as my experience has been very negative. I'm about as old as you and I think our age group has it really bad. First the dating pool is incredibly small which hurts enough. Second, gay or straight...at our age the good guys are already taken. Third... what's left seems to be mostly guys who are overly promiscuous, filled with drugs and disease, not out of the closet, trapped in straight marriages, used to living a lifestyle that doesn't include falling in love and being with one person. I know there are exceptions, but they are so hard to find...I worry that winning the lottery has a higher probability. Every time I find someone who I'm drawn to online and seem to be compatible with (rare occurrence), they are not interested. But 10 times as often I get messages from guys who look like their closer to my parents age than mine want to date me. Sigh! It is a numbers game, but their aren't enough good fish in the sea to put up big numbers, at least not for what I'm looking for. It's really depressing and I'm so lonely.
     
    #6 bdman, Sep 8, 2013
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2013
  7. Cool Bananas

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    Don't give up on yourself, also there are now a few apps that help you find someone else who is looking.
     
  8. srslywtf

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    you should leave. IMO it's not right to use her for companionship. regardless of if you find a relationship, you shouldnt be staying with her just because youre lonely
     
  9. jae

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    Well I can understand where you're coming from, the dating scene is very complicated. I am your age and it seems I am way out of practice. the mere fact that the dating pool is so much smaller is a bit overwhelming but hang in there I'm sure the right person will come along sooner or later.

    The experience I've been having is that the guys are either way too young or way too old, it's almost as if though I'm looking for the elusive unicorn that 36 to 45 yr old that's not already committed to someone else. When I do find guys in this age bracket that are not in a relationship they just want a quick hook up.

    I must agree with everyone else that's posted on this thread first you need to be honest with your wife.
     
  10. lostman

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    It is a relief to read this thread and realise that I am not the odd ball .. I am 41 .. just accepted that I am gay this year and been trying to find someone to spend the rest of my life with ... tried the gay apps, gay dating sites, friends ... and most are just looking for NSA and whether I am their type or not ... it is really depressing to be treated like a piece of meat.... so sometimes I just keep to myself. I am still hoping to find someone who I can spend the rest of my life with. Thanks for sharing and I am glad that I stumbled upon EC.

    Dear Globe, I agree with the others.... it is unfair to use your wife as the back up plan. You should let her move on with her life. It is better to be alone than to live a lie for the rest of your life and end up hurting the ones who stood by you just because of the fear of being alone.

    Just my 2 cents.
     
  11. Tightrope

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    To the 2 posters above, sometimes a person goes NSA because a lot of people are already "there," meaning it's their M.O. The NSA types can range from really collegiate to really sketchy, and everything in between. There are a lot of people who are not looking for relationships. If this is the case with straights in big American urban centers, then it should be no surprise it's also common in the G/B crowd as well. I sort of just shrug and accept it as the landscape. As for myself, I like my independence and also am not completely sure how well I could hold up the implied contract of monogamy. So, since that would be the way I would like to roll if in a relationship, and I'm dubious, then I just stay out of them.
     
  12. Choirboy

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    I can't imagine anyone who is still married even having the TIME to date! Between my job, my one or two activities, and those of my wife and children, I have a hard time finding a few minutes on the computer before everyone's asleep, much less time to date, hook up, whatever! We basically have the understanding that it IS going to happen at some point, and she is convinced that I will somehow magically find some kind of permanent boyfriend/husband far sooner than I think. But at the moment, my main goal is to pay down some debts and make sure that I can actually move out without putting the rest of the family on the street. Am I just over-thinking my life? It sure wouldn't be the first time!
     
  13. bdman

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    That's a good way of describing it an "elusive unicorn" which lies in the 36-45 age group.
    I get contacted by the too old for me group. More than 50% of the people that contact me are more than 10 years older and the age gap looks much wider than that.

    I wonder why 36-45 is seemingly so much more difficult. I can find tons of people outside in either direction looking for the same things I am, but nobody inside. I wonder if it has to do with still building your career and mid-life crisis at this age that makes people not want to settle down.
     
  14. Tightrope

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    I think it's a couple of things. As we can see here on Later in Life, some people didn't come to terms with their sexual orientations (plural) until their late 20s/early 30s, if not later. The job is often in place and disposable income is up. With that, people will be exploring in their mid to late 30s. And I'm talking hookups more so than relationships. That's what I've seen. Then, some want to settle down and some don't. I think the age group can have a "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" mentality, especially if making up for lost time.
     
  15. globe

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    Thank you all for your valuable feedback. I am definitely not alone and we all have our own difficulties. Making the right choices is really difficult and I hope to have courage to make the right ones. The future is uncertain and is not always as we expect but we have to live and accept the uncertainty of our lives.
     
  16. oddlife35

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    I think it's funny that there's a good number of us in this age block who are looking for serious relationships, so why can't we find each other?
     
  17. i think there are a few things to think about.

    1. you're married and dating guys secretly on the side. sooner or later this is going to come up and even if it doesn't you're going to be stressed about it. my recommendation is to either A. stop dating guys and focus on the wife and give up the idea of meeting Mr. Right forever OR B. tell the wife you're bi/gay, that ultimately you want to be with a guy and that you need a divorce.

    If you choose A, you will likely be miserable since you're married and dating men anyway secretly now. you'll likely keep thinking about men or acting out your fantasies in some way or another, so A doesn't really seem like an option unless you're going to go cold turkey off the men fantasies.

    If you choose B, then you'll get the divorce and be thrown into gay dating world. Be prepared for people to want to have sex with you first and get to know you (if at all) later. be prepared for you to be judged based solely on your looks (or lack thereof) first and your age. If you're post 35, many people your own age wont want you because you're "too old" and many people younger may not want you because you're "too old" or if they do want you, they may be looking for you to take care of them and give them money. sure, you may find someone special and great and lovey dovey. that can happen for sure, but you'll likely have to kiss a lot of frogs first before you find someone worthwhile that likes you back. it's not like dating women. i have found that the qualities that women think are awesome in a man (educated, secure, settled, good communicator, mature, gentlemen), many in the "gay scene" find lame or boring or a yawnfest. you have to understand that in the "gay scene" its highly sexualized with willing participants. people think nothing of giving you a blow job without kknowing your name. same thing in the straight scene. however, with the straight scene usually women are the ones that are refusing the sex right away becuase they do not want to look like whores and they are looking for stability in their mate. in teh gay scene, with two men, it's just different, so the things that are attractive to many guys in the "scene" have to do more with hyper-idealized masculinity, bodies, etc.

    All i can say is good luck. if people are trying to sell you a dream of "its a skip down the yellow brick road," well, you can believe that if you want, and hopefully clicking the heels on your ruby slippers will help you get back home if you get tired of the gay scene.

    ---------- Post added 19th Sep 2013 at 12:32 AM ----------

    because after you hit a certain age, you:
    A. Stop going to random clubs and bars because you did that in your early 20s and it was fun then but now that you're older, getting hammered every weekend is not "fun" anymore. so you're not meeting guys at these places anymore.

    B. cuz online dating usually ends up with a bunch of internet flakes who lack in-person communication skills and couldn't have a real conversation with a real human if their keyboards depended on it.

    C. because many people that are saying "i wish i really could have a real relationship" are the same people that wouldn't know how to actually have a sustainable relationship if they ever met anyone anyway and also because they just having lip service while at the same time, they're out there shagging every Tom, Dick, and Harry in the streets.

    D. most of the really good guy types have been so fed-up with being hurt, lied to, flaked on, used, abused, and just otherwise mistreated that they have given up hope, gotten a Yellow Labrador Retriever, and spend most of their time at home where of course you will never meet them.
     
  18. bdman

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    My frustrations are going to come out a bit here but the fact is that there is a high correlation between being gay and just being a bad person. For the sake of this post, by bad person I mean pretty much everything in the quote above. In the two years since I've entered the gay dating world, that pretty much describes it. I won't go to pride parades because the fact is I have no pride whatsoever because I'm so ashamed of my community. And these parades just seem to amplify all the qualities I personally think we should be suppressing.

    I don't mean the entire community is bad, but the good guys are far and few between that I've found no way to find them. And we can discuss the entire what gives me the right to call overly promiscuous gay cheating men bad. I suppose I have no right, so lets just say that I'm probably in the majority on that one. So putting a "what is morality" discussion aside and just use what you think most people would think.

    When it comes right down to it, all those anti-gay pundits out talking about how bad the gay community is. Well they actually have a point, in fact some got it right on. Only problem is they don't understand correlation is not cause. Meaning they get it wrong on the fact that just because there is a high correlation between gays and bad behavior doesn't mean that being gay causes bad behavior. I suppose that the way society stigmatizes gay people is probably the root of the cause, but that can be an entirely different debate.

    I'm just so frustrated at the community and that makes it hard to be an activist for equal rights.
     
  19. robotman

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    No offence but I never understand this... How did you end up with her and how did you get married if this is not how you feel... I am in a homophobic household and not out (due to my dad and grandparents) but how did you force yourself to marry her? I don't want to sound naive but this is something I find so difficult to understand?
     
  20. oddlife35

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    You've got it totally wrong JustWondering.

    I've got a black lab. ;-)

    But yeah. I want a partner badly, but I can't let that define me. I'm still getting comfortable in my own new gay skin. What do I like to do? What are my passions? Dreams? Or whatever the crap I'm supposed to self-realize about. Then I can share my crap with others. And if they like it and I like theirs, then voila. Does that make sense?