As I am in this very confusing, exciting, and constantly challenging transition to try and accept my being gay, I am finding that my perception of my life is changing(or at least I'm finally glimpsing things for how they are). It feels like starting life over. This is fine with me. I have felt dead for what seems like forever. I am curious to know if coming out of the closet has changed people's careers? I feel like so much of my life has been fear and hiding, and i only can imagine that it has intensely altered where I am in my life. I have had the hardest time for so long trying to figure out what I really am meant to be doing, and what feels true. The catapult of energy and awareness that accompanies acceptance has me hoping that I will finally be able to start taking risks and step out of my dead, comfort zone. …and if being in the closet is a place of fear and numbing, then stepping out will mean I will have more confidence and feeling to make the intuitive decisions that I haven't been able to meet? I think so... Geez, I hope this is true. I feel like I could be alot more successful than i am. Being in the closet actually has made me dumber. I feel like by shutting down to accepting a fundamental part of myself, i have also turned off a lot of my true genius. I find myself having a significantly different energy that allows me to be intellectually quicker, more supportive of myself and others, and more adventurous due to the lack of constant self-management in regards to suffering and fear. It feels remarkable transformative, even as I only start to peek out of the closet(I have told a few people, including a sister). I am 36. It's hard to consign that I have lived a lie for my entire life. Even if i was doing my best given that I have been deeply, deeply repressed. It's hard to know what else is a lie, and what is truth. What I like, and what I don't like. My career area has always felt off(or that I am just skating by), as well. In a similar way that my relationships with women have been. And I have felt powerless at fixing it. Like I have no intuition to make a decision that I know is the right direction for me…or at least take a bold chance. I really want to feel this light, and be able to sense the confident inner guidance that will lead me to make the right decisions. I am jealous of the folks on here that seem to have found success in their career despite their being deep in the closet… thanks for reading.
It depends on the career if coming out effects it in a positive way as one would hope. I have a problem, I want to have it that I am gay on a Facebook page or whatever. But I would want to be interviewed for a job not based on that. And I work with straight guys who I would prefer that they know me first before knowing about my sexuality. So I have not put up a FB page at all. It's not that I am hiding, but yet I am not in full disclosure either. I deal with it one day and one person at a time. Its tough, and it might effect my career in a negative way to not just post it all up on line. But I don't know, I'd rather be safe than sorry. My life is personal more than I am in the closet, and can't break free.
This is definitely a Your Milage May Vary kind of situation. For me, while I have had a certain degree of success, I think I would have been much more successful had I acknowledged my real feelings sooner. We don't realize the negative stuff that we carry with us 24/7/365 because we've been doing it so long it feels like it's normal. There is a passage from A Course In Miracles: "Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you." This reflects what I did for a long time. Playing small was an effort to not attract attention. If people feel insecure around you or are unsettled by your capacities, it is possible that you can become a target and that was the last thing that I wanted. If that happened, it would mean that I could be exposed for who I really was. The thing that made a difference was when I told a close friend and a diversity workshop leader. These were people that I liked and for whom I had a great deal of respect. In both cases there was a release of some negative energy that I had been carrying. And the thing is, when you hide in this way, that energy gets burned up for no good reason. When you unburden yourself, it frees up that energy and you can use it for some positive purpose. Every time you do this, you will stand a little straighter, your shoulders will drift back a bit more and you will feel a bit better. It's just how it goes...
thanks...i like that passage you referenced. i also have played small. Where i have really limited myself is in isolating so that i could be alone, rather than try out new things in others company. Strictly curtailing opportunities at almost every turn. being shutdown, or half shutdown + trying to be something for others is a hellish way to go through life. i am amazed that i have had any level of success.
Hi Stellar. Your post really hit home with me. I've thought about it a lot and I firmly believe that being in the closet has impacted my career in a negative way. How could it not? I've spent my entire life in fear and hating myself for living a lie. It's sapped my confidence, energy and self esteem, and made me afraid to speak up in meetings, make bold moves and stand out as a contributor at work. I often wonder where my career would be if I hadn't spent so much time and effort hiding such a big part of myself. I've done OK… at one point making six figures. It was a high stress job and I actually left it voluntarily (with my wife's encouragement) in hopes of improving things at home, all the while knowing our real problem was my secret and not just the job. I make considerably less in my new job. I too am amazed by and jealous of people who've excelled at their careers while being in the closet. I get the feeling they've thrown themselves into their work to avoid thinking about the pain of life in the closet or to get the high of professional success when the personal life is lacking. Maybe they're better at compartmentalizing than me or still not fully aware of their sexuality. I don't really know. Everyone is different. Since I'm just newly out to myself and not to my family or at work, I can't tell you if being out will help career wise. But I have to believe that it will. The closer I get to leaving the closet, the more confidence I feel, and I know that will serve me well in all aspects of life.
There's no formulaic answer here. The outcomes can be: - coming out and success - coming out and lack of success - staying in and success - staying in and lack of success - some other combination or altogether different outcome It depends on the employer, the culture, and the person. In some situations, it's not salvageable and in some it could be like a breath of fresh air for the person keeping it under wraps. I had a good employer where I liked the work and did a good job, but within 6 months, I understood what I was dealing with, and really pulled back ... even from socializing that much, not because I'm antisocial, but because I realized I preferred my privacy and it wasn't even worth investing in the situation. Simply stated, I was not married, never had kids, didn't date, and traveled either to see family or to vacation on my own. This did not work with their culture. One of my peers who I really liked went to lunch with me and, while we talked about everything and the kitchen sink, he also said 'I made sure I took care of the marriage thing by looking for a spouse when I was in college.' The head honcho hated me. I once went to the southern hemisphere during Thanksgiving week because it was summer down below, and I was in the car with him. We were talking about work and he asked me if I knew of some development. I told him I had gone out of the country over Thanksgiving week and that I would get updated with the situation, and he asked "Did you have fuuuuuunnnnnn?" There is no concrete answer for the OP's situation. It will take soul searching, analysis of what the variables are, and, from your mild ambivalence, possible career coaching for professionals, which I know nothing about other than it exists. Again, it depends on the organization, the culture, and your chemistry with them. Sometimes, it involves a job change, which is sad if you like the job. However, if there's a subtly hostile environment, as I experienced in one place, how could the job be enjoyable? Think it through and decide accordingly.
Tight: You said: "Simply stated, I was not married, never had kids, didn't date, and traveled either to see family or to vacation on my own. This did not work with their culture." The problem is that people don't know how to deal with you. Because you are appearantly different (I'm speaking in superficial terms, claimed identities notwithstanding), the perception may be that you are motivated by something else. In other words, it's not putting the kids through college, etc. You're a different animal as far as they are concerned. You do things because YOU want to, not because of the wife or the in-laws or whatever. Could be a touch of jealousy in the mix also. ---------- Post added 9th Sep 2013 at 05:56 PM ---------- Spaceman: It seems to me that a while back there was a book called "Best Little Boy In The World" or something like that. From an LGBT perspective, it relates to how we want acceptance as regular people. This is in spite of the fact that we know that we are different in some way, but we despartely want to be like everybody else. Consequently we often work very hard at being being smart and being responsive to others. It is an alternative to hiding. The belief is that excelling will insulate us.
Thank you for the insight. I agree with what you're saying. Being the only person in the smallish organization with those demographics made them uneasy, which in turn made me uneasy. Their negativity was even subtly voiced here and there. The main issue is that I think they felt duped. In 1 hour, you can't delve into someone's familial and personal status, and the lack of a wedding band probably indicated someone divorced and with a kid or two stashed away somewhere, enabling them to feel comfortable with me. Well, as soon as they saw that wasn't the case and my more cerebral interests were not in synch with theirs, it went south. As for the book you mention, "The Best Little Boy in the World" was an autobiographical account by Andrew Tobias written under a pen name. He had a Harvard MBA and did the IBM or big bank thing, at a time when his being open about his sexuality would not have worked. I think the implication was that he had to overcompensate via his education, his work, and, in essence, getting everything right and garnering approval to offset his hidden sexual preference. Being a handsome man with great credentials, I'm sure he was able to pull it off until he got tired of the treadmill, or suspicion and pressure increased. http://www.hmhco.com/shop/books/assets/contributor/tobias$andrew.gif I think back about a few people I knew in high school and college who excelled in academics, not to mention non-team sports such as track, swimming, and tennis who were gay. Their whole vibe was about being goody two shoes, being conventional, and being very upstanding. Looking back at it, it was sort of exaggerated, but that's who they wanted to be at the time. Maybe it's who they really were and are. Nothing wrong with that. I was a good student, but being a goody two shoes was a stretch.
I'm with Tightrope on this. If you expect that coming out will enhance your career, you may find yourself disappointed when you do; there are just too many factors involved in career success other than being in a closeted state. Now, there is one strong possibility: that you will be happier being out, which indirectly may influence your behaviour in a positive way which, again may, change the way people and employers perceive you. Coming out should really be for the sake of living with integrity. For being the person you are inside and out...integrity is not a bad thing to have in any career.
I'm wondering if, especially considering the quotes and sources that seem to resonate with you, this isn't more of an overall paradigm shift for you and your way of thinking and approaching life? I know I'm feeling much that way. Never read the book, but the title definitely struck me, because it seemed to describe what I blame for all my previous decisions in life... I always tried to be the 'best little girl' or the 'best child' in my family. I was the youngest, my brother and sister repeatedly disappointed, and I was raised to be "The One". The one who fulfilled all their expectations. I told my parents what I wanted to major in when applying to colleges, and was told that those were unrealistic, impractical. My ultimate career path and major was deemed one that was sensible for a woman. Then, when I graduated, I was expected to marry. And not just anyone. Marry a solid, responsible, straight-laced (and most definitely STRAIGHT) kind of man. When I married that man I soon found that he didn't particularly like my opinions or ideas, so I was expected to keep my mouth shut and not set off his formidable temper. Then I was expected to trail his career and raise our children and still be a beautiful, cosmopolitan, informed and entertaining kind of wife. I have FINALLY reached a point in my life where I quite frankly think that everyone else can go f*ck themselves, I'm done sacrificing every ounce of my individuality (my soul) for other people's expectations. I am getting a divorce, I am exploring my natural sexual inclinations, and I am starting to think about what I want to be when I grow-up, professionally. And the thing that saddens me the most is that my ideal career (and partner) are the same as I would have chosen when I first began exploring options and considering my passions when I was in high school. So, do you expect being out of the closet to affect your career, or are you envisioning your new lease on life affecting or redirecting your career?
A book on confronting fear and practicing Kundalini Yoga created some magical combination that helped me question my sexuality. I also think I am ready to feel and be felt, which is something that I haven't given myself permission to do in this lifetime. Being fearless seems like such an enormous risk. I keep going back and forth. The paradigm shift is living behind a wall of fear, and that includes just about everything in my life. My personal fears are built around being revealed who I truly am(sexuality). I have always suspected my issues to be products of growing up with an alcoholic father and a mother who died of cancer 10 years ago. Now I think that the elephant in the room is my sexuality and is the key to me becoming engaged with life and growing up. I also feel like I have an opportunity to feel wholeness and be happy. Lastly, I am starting to wonder if my father, whom is in his late 70's, is gay. This would explain much in my mind. Not because anyone would ever guess he is gay, but he has extreme repression, anxiety, and anger. And he was never, ever affectionate with my mom. I learned so much from him, lol! It's just a hunch. I have struggled with anxiety, depression, and dissociation. I have healed so much, but until I made the connection about being gay, I never thought I could overcome it all and become truly happy and healthy. So, yes, I know my outcome will be personal to me. I believe that I wanted to hear that things were going to get better and this leap of faith is worth it. I know it is, but sometimes you need incentive to approach fear during this intimidating process. The other reason is that I haven't felt connected to my life and work. It has felt as disconnected and cold as I feel to my relationships. That undefinable feeling(that keeps growing) for not wanting to be in a relationship with a woman and not knowing why. Even though I lust for sex from them(but I am really starting to believe that this is just a repressed solution that comes with extreme repression as a consequence). That undefinable feeling extends to my career and my relationship and they are all ruled by fear and numbness and disconnection. Sure I can do things well, but it seems to come at the expense of suffering. If I can make things better, I want to make them better. I guess I will start to find out what I want when I can be more myself. It's a difficult process. I really am grateful to have this website, though. It is like splashing cool water on my face and choosing life over suffering. Bless you all.
When I was in college (eons ago), we used to say: Fake it, 'til you make it. In more eloquent terms, it would be: When I dare to be powerful - to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid. Audre Lorde
Bingo! I've come to see that me being gay is almost the smallest part of my closet! Being sure of who I am, beginning to live out, unabashedly, has been a dramatic difference. (fabulous difference? :eusa_danc ) I've been pretty successful in my career and I work in a field where being gay would make absolutely no difference. So could continue, easily. But now I'm feeling that my passion might well be directed in another direction for work/career. Its way too easy, though, to continue in the rut (and it isn't a bad rut at all), rather than taking another risk. Best to all of us!
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