I am sure my story is like many others, but sometimes I feel so alone, as if no one else understands or has been through this. Obviously I know this to be untrue, but emotions are difficult sometimes. I am a 40 year old married man. I have been married for 20 years to a lovely woman and we have several children. Years ago, I had a few experiences with guys, but nothing extraordinary. I felt it was experimental at the time and when I met my wife, everything fell into place. We were married for years before I started to feel differently. The children slowly took over and my wife and I lost sight of each other. Years of my wife turning me down and placing other things in front of us, push me to solitude. It came to a head about 1.5 years ago in an incident. All during our drifting apart, my thoughts turned to men. I watched tons o porn and started to just read CL ads. It was hard for me. I wasn't sure why I was enjoying this and I felt I didn't want to stop either. It got to the point for me to act. I met a few guys and had some encounters. I felt guilty but I did enjoy them. My wife and I were having less and less interactions. She hardly wanted anything to do with me. I started to search out, what I thought I wanted- a bromance of sorts. A friend plus benefits. About a year ago I met a guy. We met up and had an instant attraction. He was in a similar situation, though his partner was a guy. We hit it off, talking daily and really discovering each other, being there for one another. He was very understanding and patient with me and my situation. He helped me discover and accept my feelings. Slowly, we became closer and closer becoming best friends and lovers. Never in my life, have I ever been in a relationship that I was able to talk so openly about my past, my most intimate thoughts and desires. It did and does feel so natural and right. We openly discuss our relationship and completely understand our obstacles. It's too easy for any of us to say I should just leave my wife an he his partner. I have a family, including her to help support and nourish. He is completely understanding and never pressures me for anything. In most cases, he is the voice of reason. He worries, as I do, the impact on my wife and kids. Neither of us ever expected for us to find each other and fall in love. I have never felt someone to understand me as he does. We both want more but I feel I am stuck. I realize that I am not being fair to my wife and she deserves more. I agree, but I also am trying to work everything thing out properly. To the best of my knowledge, she does not know I am bi or maybe gay. I have really tried with her and we are talking more than in years past. I dont feel as angry towards her as I did in the past, but I am no longer sexually attracted to her. I am just not sure where to go or who to speak to. I'm tired of feeling like this and just need to know I'm not alone.
First, welcome to EC, Efields1972! Your situation is tragic in a sense, and shares so many features of the tragic consequences of marrying the wrong person or gender... Here at EC, you will hear a lot of "me too" situations, so don't worry about being alone in this, you aren't. You are fortunate to have found someone to love so deeply, if you have been around here a while, you will discover that you have found a rare thing. So, the question: what to do now? Well, I am going through a divorce, it isn't easy, it's probably one of the more annoying and tedious things I have ever done, but I am happier for being free from an intolerable situation. The moment I started living on my own, other priorities and concerns took over, you can't see that now because you are enmeshed in the family situation. It's a question of happiness and love...what are you willing to give up in order to live a life of integrity? That is the question you should be asking yourself and those of us here at EC who are going through the same thing. I wish you a fruitful adventure with us.
Your not alone, i am in the process of coming out to my wife and coming to terms with being gay. We are in a lot of pain, but still very close and freinds. Its not an easy road but im sure we can work it out. Hugs and best wishes.
Welcome, this is a place where you can go when you don't know where to go next. You have a difficult situation but it's not insurmountable. There are two relationships yours with your wife and his with his partner (if they still are) that must be dealt with if your relationship with him is to continue and grow, and not be eventually strained. It's lasted a year and sounds strong. Perhaps it is your future. So you're fortunate, in whatever you do, to have this to support you. Can't see any alternative but for you and your lover to confront the realities of your respective partnerships, in order to really find out what they amount to and where you want to go. Perhaps your marriage and his partnership have run their course. I don't know. It is a complex situation you're in, but just bite off what you can chew. If it's hard to see the way forward, maybe the first step is bringing in a couples counsellor for you and your wife.
