Should I come out to my wife and kids?

I am largely in the same boat, just a bit further down the same river. My kids are a little older (one in middle school and one in high school), and we're just short of our 20th anniversary. My wife can be a very difficult person--she went through a lot as a kid and has never really dealt with a lot of it--but although she frustrates the hell out of me, I do love her, and (unfortunately) I have let her pretty much run most of the show for years.

I always knew I was interested in guys, but because of my feelings for her, I told myself I had just never met the "right" woman and wasn't really gay. Well, I finally figured that out nearly a year ago and have told a few co-workers, and then decided I needed to make some decisions about my marriage. I went as far as speaking to a lawyer, as well as seeking advice here, and the general impression I got was that coming out to her wasn't a good idea if a divorce was imminent. My gut feeling, though, was that I might be rushing the idea of a divorce to actually AVOID any discussion with her about my being gay, and that didn't seem very honest, considering that I still have some feelings for her. I tried to being the subject up a couple times, had a few anxiety attacks, but actually a week ago today, we had an argument about something else that led to some talk of divorce, and I spilled it all to her. I have to tell you, it was a relief, and at least in my case, it's led to some good talks and some vague ideas about what the future will hold.

To answer some of your questions, I really would advise against the whole sucking it up and staying in the closet. Once you accept to YOURSELF that you're gay, it's very hard to just go back to "not" being gay. Since I said the words to myself, I've felt a pretty major shift in my attitudes, confidence level, openness and even behavior. At last one person figured it out without my even telling him, and another was not at all surprised. (For that matter, my wife was not surprised either.) My wife knows this won't be easy for her and she is very concerned about the future, but she has said many times in the last week that this is reality and we have to face it. You may feel guilty; I do somewhat. But realistically, you will never be able to give your wife the complete emotional relationship she deserves, and you will never have it either, so in the end this will give you both the chance to find a much deeper happiness.

I worry about ending up alone as well, but I figure that handling this in an open, honest way, and being sensitive to everyone's feelings, not just mine, will go a long way to keeping a relationship of some kind with my wife and daughters. If I didn't tell her, what's left of our friendship would be eaten away by my secret. Now that it's all out (and I have told my high-schooler as well), we suddenly because better friends in some ways almost overnight. Even if I never end up with Mr. Right (and quite frankly, that's not something I'm really thinking about very seriously at this point--this is all just too new), at least I have a friendship with her that I would probably not have if I had just let things fester. (I love that word--and it really IS appropriate here!)

As to the whole "will I like sex with a guy" question, well, all I can say is that my one very half-assed and incomplete college experience with someone while we were both drunk out of our minds, has stuck in my head for 30 years and has fueled many, many fantasies. If you're convinced you're gay, chances are pretty good that you won't have any problem! I have no experience with hookups but have considered them, but my upbringing was always that sex wasn't something you did with strangers, and was reserved for someone you had a least some kind of connection with. I sure can't guarantee that I will stick to that in the long run! But I'm reluctant to change everything all at once, so for the sake of my own sanity, I'm giving myself a little time on that one.

Hope that gives you a few things to think about. It's been quite the week of thinking!

 

I am not married, nor am I very old but I am still a person with this sort of experince
I was in a straight relationship for about 5-7 years knowing that I was a lesbian, but I had fallen in love with my boyfriend for his personality before having had a chance to be in a relationship with a woman.

I told him in the final year of our relationship that I was attracted to women and not men, and he took it really well and said that it was better me being honest with him than me lying to the both of us. And it wasn't even the main reason why we broke up. (just to say that maybe your wife will appreciate the truth in the long run).

Going to a gay bar or being around gay people might help you, it might make you feel more comfortable in the gay community and will confront you with it aswel. It is a better way than cheating and it might acheive the same result.

Also your wife deserves someone who will fully appreciate her and you deserve someone who you can be happy with.

Just my 2 cents, good luck

 

It's kind of hard to guess what people are thinking, or how they will react. I assumed my wife would grab either the heaviest or the sharpest object nearby when I told her! But it turns out that for years, she had thought that either I was gay, or else she was a completely unappealing and horrible person (her self-esteem has always been pretty abysmal). So in a way, I padded her ego twice by telling her, because now she was right all along, AND there was a logical reason why I wasn't being particularly affectionate! Rather grimly funny in a way.

So while I'm absolutely not saying "Tell her! Tell her now!", I WILL say, if you know her well, and understand her, and love her, which it sounds like you do, don't underestimate her. And whatever you do, don't put her in a position where she could find out from someone OTHER than you. I can't speak for your wife, but I suspect that mine would have seen that as a far worse betrayal than anything else. And really, if you want to keep a friendship with her, it WOULD be a betrayal. Good luck....

 

Your fears are normal. I'm 38 and in my 2nd long term relationship with a guy. The first (my children's dad) came out after we separated. He now knows I am gay. It has taken me several years of pretending I am straight, trying to ignore what my body is telling me to provide this idealic ' life my partner of 11 yrs loves. we don't live together but share the mortgage and had plans to marry. He's a great man... Would do anything for anyone and I am going to turn his world upside down and tell him at some point, that i am gay. He will be devastated and that's what is holding me back... But I have battled depression for 4 yrs and since I admitted to myself that I am gay and have come out to a friend and my teenage kids, I feel a whole lot lighter, like the depression has lifted. You need to move forward for your own sanity.

 

Hi.

I don't post often, but your message echoes my story very closely. I am soon to be 43, married and gay. I came out to myself and my therapist last year about this time and to my wife in May. For what it is worth, I think the situation for many of us is that we anticipate the coming out process will devastate everyone around us because it is such a monumental issue for a married man to admit he is gay. The storm in our minds is believed to be powerful enough to level those around us as well.

I don't know how things will play for you, but I can say that in the case of my wife, my mom and three of my co-workers/ friends, the disclosure was more or less a non-issue. No one cried, became distraught or even blinked twice. And all said they had long suspected that I was gay.

Obviously, telling my wife was the hardest, but once I said it, we finally just acknowledged out loud what we both knew was true-and have known for the 16 years we have been married- that I am a gay man pretending to be straight. And so began the discussion of divorce, which is on ice for now due to finances. No money for this boy to be setting a bachelor pad at the moment. In some ways, this is the most honest we've ever been with each other. I am no longer hiding and pretending and she is is no longer denying and avoiding. Make no mistake, we've had some knock down drag out battles over this, and hurtful things have been said, but nothing really worse than what I hear my friends at work say about fights with their wives, and everyone in those battles is straight. I am at a place now where we know we will divorce when the finances settle, and the time between now and then gives us time to plan, prepare our kids (ages 9 and 12) and get our minds around life independent of one another.

As to your questions:

I think this mid 40's time period is when it all comes home to roost for gay men living a straight lie. I know I can't suck it up and stay in the closet. I tried like hell to deny all of this - and here I am, writing to you. I don't know you, but it seems if the depression and self-loathing is there, as it has been for me, sucking it up is not really a viable option. You, like me, are probably on your way out of the closet, like it or not.

No way to predict the future in terms of misery and loneliness. I am miserable and alone in a marriage now. Sounds like you may be, too. I have decided to believe that a fulfilling relationship with a man is in the cards for me. And, even if I never find love, living as a gay man, even if a single one, is a better option than holding on to a marriage that really is only a denial of everyone's truth.

If you are truly gay, gay sex will be mind blowing, as it has been for me. I feel things with men that I never did with my wife. I did not know how good sex could be until I tried with another man. Yes, I have been unfaithful, which I regret and which made my wife far angrier than the admission of being gay. Good for you for not acting on those urges until you had thought through the consequences fully. I think what you do now has to be your own decision.

The guilt about ruining my kids lives and making life harder for my wife is a constant worry. I don't want things to be this way - I want to be straight and happy. Fact is, I am gay. Period. And I hold on to the belief that if I free my wife to love a man who can love her back, in all the ways that matter, and I model for my children a father who stood up and was honest about who he was and then also models a loving, gay relationship, maybe less harm will come to all than I think.

Everyone has been to counseling in my house, and the therapists keep saying that it is not the divorce itself that traumatizes kids, but how the adults handle it that makes or breaks it for all involved.

I have decided to be a grown up in my dealings with my wife and put our children first in all decisions. We have the luxury of time right now because we are not at each others throats, and no one is making threats. We have time to think and plan and make rational decisions. I wish the same for you.

Take the time you need to read and learn from others here. Ours is not a unique tale, no matter how alone you feel. And don't feel pressured by those who grossly oversimplify this process, saying things like "staying with your wife is not fair to her" and / or "your kids will be fine, kids are resilient." While possibly true, the loss of the family unit and the love that goes with it is what kept us all in the closet for so long. And now, it's also what's pushing us out.

My best to you.

Jason

 

This is a situation to be considered VERY carefully. The problem is, unless you are Superman and can spin the world backwards to reverse time, you can't unring a bell. If you do decide to do this, remember that you may create a series of events that you didn't forsee, but that you are going to have to live with.

 

We've already exchanged emails - and I'm glad you've posted in the forum.

I would echo what Griffin has said - word for word. It's the way I feel as well. Especially about the kids. If you and your wife can remain positive then this won't be hard on the kids at all. Sure, they'll have to adjust to change, but I think they're better off having two parents who are happy and living apart than two parents who are miserable but living together.

 

Didn't mean to do that, but I do want to emphasize the point that this should be a conscious process. Obviously we can never anticipate every detail and subtlety, but I believe that thinking about it more helps to take some of the pressure out of it. My analogy would be taking a test in school. The better you are prepared, the better you feel about the outcome.

Remember that this is your story and you are the one writing the script, metaphorically speaking.

 

I have to say ditto to Griffin and Jim's comments and beg to disagree with Flatlander's. I spent 17 years miserable in a marriage (misery due to a whole slew of reasons, sexuality being only a minor factor in the overall mix) because I agonized over and allowed myself to be paralyzed by the guilt I felt when anticipating every detail of the trauma I would cause in my children's lives by divorcing.

Then, when I finally came to the decision that I could not bear to live this way anymore - for anyone's sake - I agonized, nay obsessed over how and when and what and under what circumstances to tell them, and once again all the perceived fall-out. And I would have continued to do so indefinitely if I wasn't about to divorce the most impetuous person in the world. And all I can say is that I wish I had done it more than a decade ago.

Not to say that it's all rainbows and unicorns since telling them, but the reaction was nowhere near what I'd built it up to be in my own mind, and certainly not worth the hell my husband and I have put each other through for years upon years. And the kids? I'll never know for sure, but I've probably done them a terrible disservice by bringing them up in a household with so much tension and temper, and I know I've been a horrible role model by not being true to myself.

So don't let Flatlander freak you out. I'm sure you're doing more than enough of that for yourself. Do what feels right, do it with compassion for other peoples' feelings, and know that in the end you'll all be better for it.

Good luck!

 

The point is that this is not a cut and dried process. There are no road maps or cook books because every situation is different in one way or another.

However, the coming out process is not done in a vacuum. Clearly those around us will be effected in some way. I think the guiding principle should be how you would like to be treated if the situation were reversed. It is a difficult enough situation as it is and it's very easy to get pulled into arguing, name-calling, etc. However, if that happens, nothing gets resolved. It's a place where we can really get stuck and that isn't going to help anybody.

That's why I think it is important to keep in mind that it is a conscious process. Think and act, think and act. Too much of one and not enough of the other will be troublesome. We don't close our eyes and run across a busy street. We look, we understand, we make a decision and we move forward.

 

Yay! Now I get to wholeheartedly agree with Flatlander! 'Think and act' is the perfect balance, for those who can achieve it. I just provided you with an example of the counter balance. Think. And think and think and think and...

I have never lacked a personal opinion or decisiveness in any aspect of my life, unless it involved the emotions, expectations or opinions of the people I love the most. Then, forget it. Abso-fucking-lutely paralyzed, at least if my decisions could be the source of any negative impact on the outcome. I close my eyes, envision a sea of never ending traffic and spend a lifetime on the wrong side of the street, never again opening my eyes.

But it sounds to me as if our friend Spaceman has done at least his fair share of thinking - if not more. Which is why I encourage him to do what feels right, with compassion for those he loves and then maybe someday they can all reach their proper destination.

 

The thing is, society at large puts a lot of pressure on us to be a certain way. If we don't, we feel bad, we feel like we have let down those around us and we feel guilty that we are like this and causing so many problems. It is difficult to be ourselves under all this weight. But, we have to remember it is never going to be perfect. If we wait for that to happen, we'll just be sitting still for an eternity. And, since it's not going to be perfect, we will make mistakes. We are human and mistakes will happen. But, when mistakes do happen, we have the ability to learn from them and hopefully use that information in the future. As humans, it is what we do.

 

No.

 

My two cents:

--I created this mess, so shouldn't I just suck it up and stay in the closet to avoid turning my wife's world upside down?

Not necessarily but yeah, it WILL turn her life upside down.

--If I do come out, what if I end up alone and guilt-ridden and more miserable than I am now?

Nothing is ever "all or nothing". You can come out and be at peace with yourself on some level while others fall apart. It's the gamble you take.

--What if gay sex isn't as amazing as I've built it up in my mind (I have zero experience)?

Is gay sex the only thing driving this or is there a need for more companionship and affection (see more comments below)?

--Should I try hooking up before coming out to find out what I've been missing?

Absolutely not. Cheating is not and should not be considered an answer here.

--If I'm lucky enough to find a man to love, how can I happily live a new life with him, knowing that I've devastated my wife and turned my kids into children of divorce?

If you are as unhappy as you say you are, then having a man to love is all upside, right?

Here's my situation. Maybe it will help.

Knew I was bi when I was a teenager. Never acted on it. Pushed it into the closet, got married young to my wife and lived the "straight" life for 30 years. As other issues arose in my marriage, intimacy faded and then disappeared altogether. Any emotional bond between us also was gone.

Seeking a sexual outlet I had sex with a guy. It was sex only ("a hole is a hole" kind of thing). But what I realized later in therapy was going back and having sex was my way of replacing the emotional bond and affection I wasn't getting from my wife. You see this also in women who have multiple sexual partners because they view what they get from sex as affection and affirmation that someone likes them. This was me.

My wife found out. Why was she pissed? (a) I cheated. (b) I knew I was bisexual before we got married and never told her, thereby taking informed consent away from her.

I'll tell you the same thing I tell hetero married couples having problems... you don't want to walk away from a marriage and kids without doing everything you can to save it. So #1 thing you should do is talk to your wife about marriage counseling. Try to resolve ALL other issues in your marriage (including lack of sex) before trying to address your sexuality. If you can get your marriage back on track, you may be able to deal with your sexuality internally.

At that point if you can't, honest and open discussion about your sexuality with your wife should happen.

I've been married 40+ years. My marriage now is stronger and better than it has ever been and I keep my sexuality in check because my wife can take care of my sexual needs (keep in mind my bisexuality was around sex only, not a relationship with a guy).

 

A few years ago, I reached a mental crossroads: choose either the inside or the outside of the closet, but make a decision once and for all. Agonizing about it was making me miserable and wrecking me. Did I really want to exist in that dark, negative space for the rest of my life, or did I want to live authentically and give myself an opportunity to find happiness?

I chose to open the closet door, step out, and then shut the door behind me for good — and it was the right decision.

Has it solved all my problems? No... But I am free from the burden of hiding, and denying, and agonizing. Although my progress is probably measured in baby steps compared to others here (who I envy and admire), I am proud that I faced my greatest fear and finally chose to be me. I have a long way to go on my journey, but I am no longer stuck — and that is a good thing.

I know you don't want to let others down or turn their lives upside-down, but you deserve to be happy too. There will be pain if (when) you choose to come out, but there will also be healing.

Best wishes! (*hug*)

 

:goodluck: