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My life is changing

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by jae, Sep 10, 2013.

  1. jae

    jae
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    My life is changing and im not sure if I like it. This has been a rough week, my wife and I have come to some temporary arrangements. We have gone from married to just friends with a very uncertain future. I know this sounds odd but I dont like the idea of losing my family or the husband wife kids aspect. I know many would kill to be in my situation, a gay wife that hooks me up with dudes. But it all seems so final! I guess I never gave much thought to the fact that she needs to move on as well. 20yrs is a long time to be with someone and then walk away. I havent slep in days, my mind keeps racing....... THIS SUCKS.... I know we will be friends always but I feel lost. We have cried over this and mutually apologize to one another and I guess this has to take its course. I need a beer :rolle:
     
  2. biggayguy

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    I can't imagine... It was bad enough breaking up after a three year engagement. We had such plans for our life together.
     
  3. Choirboy

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    It doesn't seem odd at all. There's a lot of comfort in the status quo, and in a life shared with someone, even if it's not the life we eventually want to have. I hope that the "friendship" aspect helps you (both of you) get through this. Hope it goes well--my story won't be much different from yours in the long run, I expect. Sharing a virtual beer.....
     
  4. greatwhale

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    Some of us are comfortable with change, others, less so.

    Nevertheless it is critical to acknowledge that nothing stays the same...even long term marriages evolve with changing circumstances.

    You are going therefore from a kind of false, or pseudo-certainty, the construct and comfort of a marriage arrangement that is no longer suitable, to the raw reality that nothing is certain and that you are venturing out, in every sense of the term, into the unknown.

    Feeling lost is normal. What happens when you are lost? Imagine yourself lost in a forest...what happens in such situations is that your senses are heightened, every clue, every sound, every nuance and situation becomes more noticeable, you have to start relying on your wits again, there is no more automatic thinking, you either deal with reality or perish...

    There's nothing wrong with fear, it's something you need to keep you from doing foolish or careless things, use your fear, but wisely, don't let it paralyze you. Then act.
     
  5. Dragonbait

    Dragonbait Guest

    What you're feeling is totally normal, you're suffering grief - and what you're experiencing is like a death of sorts, the death of the marriage that has been such a large part of your life for so long, the death of the you that was a husband, your lack of sleep, mind racing, eating habits probably out of the norm as well - they are all symptoms of your grief, and it's totally natural, to be expected. Don't worry, but don't wallow either. It sounds like in so very many ways, you're in a great position, you've got a great constant friend in your soon-to-be-ex wife (wish I had someone to play matchmaker for me!) and you've still got your kids.

    I am in the process of splitting up a 21 year marriage too, and we've sworn to divorce more amicably than we ever were as husband and wife. We've already become better friends. And I remember that feeling, like a loved one had died, once we made our final decision. And to be quite honest, my emotions are still running the gambit, although I am becoming lighter of heart each day.

    I've been trailing my husbands career for the 22 years we've been together, we've owned 7 houses in 5 states and my eldest child has lived in every one. I'll tell you the same thing we told our kids every time we moved and what we paraphrased for them when we told them we're splitting. We are still family, we will always have each other, and as long as we can count on that, we'll be okay. Family is the most important thing, and just because we won't be husband and wife anymore, we have children together and always will, which means we will always be family to each other. I've come to realize that I have always loved him like a brother - you know, that love hate relationship between siblings that both torment and support each other like no other person can - and I will continue to love him like a brother, and likely continue to support and torment him too.

    It sounds like you can have at least that - if not more - with your wife, keep that in mind while you're mourning the passing of your marriage, then let yourself enjoy developing the new relationship with her that will replace the old. And tonight I'll join you and ChoirBoy in that virtual drink, but I'll be making mine wine. [​IMG]
     
  6. Varro

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    Hi Jae, you and i are at exactly the same place at this very same time, i just read your story and thought OMG its a mirror of me. I'm just about to go on a two week break by myself to think things out.

    My wife and i are also emotional, teary and in so much pain.. 15 Years of being together and the thought of loosing all is so scary. We too appologise to each other, just remember being gay is truly genetics not a fad or a choice, so dont beet yourself up about being gay thou.

    A good nights sleep, just a distant memory at the moment, perhaps speek to your doctor and ask for a relaxant.
    .
    I am upset with myself because i didnt realise or come to terms with my homosexuality while in my teens.. if i had, i would not have inflicted so much pain on my wife who is my best freind.

    Hang in there and keep in touch, dont stop comminicating.(*hug*)
     
    #6 Varro, Sep 10, 2013
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2013
  7. PeteNJ

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    Big hugs Jae. I know how involved and close you are with your kids, so that's probably much of the uncertainty.

    Put the needs of your kids first. I say that, having gone through this, that helps keep the focus on making sure they feel safe and secure and both you and your wife keep in mind that each of you must be actively involved with the kids.

    No matter how much you feel deep within that you are moving towards what is right for you, for the man you were born as, those many years of marriage, of shared experiences, of having kids, of raising kids, of growing up together.... its a lot of change.

    I'll have a beer with you....

    Pete
     
  8. jae

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    @Pete Nj, yeah we are going to have to have that beer. we are focusing most of our attention on the kids right now, it is almost a way to distract ourselves from the 300 pound gorilla standing in the room wearing a fedora and a pink boa..lol

    @Varro Its not easly thats for sure, I hope you are able to find some peace and clarity while on your two week break. best of luck to you

    ---------- Post added 11th Sep 2013 at 09:42 AM ----------

    (((((Dragonbait)))))))

    You my liberal friend.. :wink: have hit the nail on the head!!!! your words resonate in every emotion that I have been feeling lately and there is definite wisdom and all that you have said. Thank you for putting things into perspective.. It is shocking how many of us are on the same path in life at this very moment so thank you again for sharing...

    Right-wing, Tea bagger, conservative, gay unicorn Republican Jae :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 11th Sep 2013 at 09:50 AM ----------

    Greatwhale, you are 100% right. Maybe I have been walking through life with expectation of things sataying the same and not looking forward to what might happen in the future. So now im here , having never given thought to my life changing, ultimately rendering me lost in my current situation. Makes sense
    Thanks Gwhale..

    ---------- Post added 11th Sep 2013 at 09:58 AM ----------

    Pssst... Fellow Repug. You know who you are I dont want to "Out" you here, Thanks bro. I am sure the friendship that my wife and I have will see us through this mess.


    biggayguy, sorry to hear that. I hope all is well in your life :slight_smile:


    And here's to us! (as I raise my virtual glass of beer)
    May we all find happiness and peace in our lives and make it out just as fabulous as we were meant to be!!
    Cheers
     
  9. biggayguy

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    It's fine, jae. That was a long time ago. Those plans were all illusions.
     
  10. Choirboy

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    On the upside (maybe it's just my aggressive optimism and hope, or maybe it's the virtual beer talking), how scary cool is it at our ages to have any kind of a do-over? I know plenty of people my age who feel that they are in a permanent rut and are waiting for "comfort" to kick in as they age. We may be moving into new and unfamiliar territory, all of us--new living arrangements, new relationships, new communities and friends--and are drifting one way or another, some faster, some slower, out of our old comfort zones. Or maybe "discomfort zone" is a better way to put it? I'm still living much the same life I did before, and will be for awhile, but I feel such a new sense of freshness and possibility in my life. We may struggle to keep hold of the good things, like the more positive aspects of our relationships with our spouses and children, but we get to reinvent ourselves with the enthusiasm and freshness of youth, AND the wisdom of adulthood. It's a little early in the day, but I'll raise another virtual beer to the closet doors swinging open and letting in the fresh air!
     
  11. Dragonbait

    Dragonbait Guest

    :eek:WHAT:icon_ques:icon_excl Right-wing, conservative, gay unicorns I could buy - but Tea bagger?! Really?? Jae, you're pushing the boundaries of even my vastly romantic imagination.

    Although, I do think I need to take a screen shot of your response to me to save for posterity. Never even dreamed I'd see the day all those words (bolded) would be strung together! :lol:

    But seriously - I'm glad my words brought you some comfort. It is nice to know there are other people out there going through the same things as you, and it's even nicer when those shared experiences serve to help each other to make it through.

    So I'll second that toast and raise my coffee mug, To Fabulous!
     
  12. Ideate Me

    Ideate Me Guest

    I reckon you should look at the amazing life you got to share with a beautiful woman, your wife, and your beautiful children and celebrate that and know that they are part of your life forever because it has actually happened to you (I'm assuming you've had kids, that that wasn't a generalised projection type thinga-majigga).

    Anyway, look at it like this is what had to happen because of what you both are and if you part on good terms surely an amazing friendship is something you've formed. And if not, it's just been an amazing (and perhaps stultifying) experience that has led you to this point in time.

    (*hug*)
     
  13. Dragonbait

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    Oh, and to his 'fellow repug' - don't think I haven't noticed your judicious use of bolding recently. Better watch yourself, it's a slippery slope, before you know it you'll be italicizing! :wink:
     
  14. Choirboy

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    Yeah, I am trying to be a little more "out there"! Although sometimes I'm afraid I sound like my mom was Mary Richards, and my dad was that motivational speaker who lives "in a VAAAAN down by the RIIIIVER!" (Just for you!)
     
  15. greatwhale

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    :roflmao: *motivational speaker compulsively adjusts belt while hollering*
     
  16. Dragonbait

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    :confused2: So it's either a gay-guy thing or an age-gap thing ('cause you two are SO much older than me:wink:) but I feel left out. The cultural reference is just lost on me. :shrug:

    ---------- Post added 11th Sep 2013 at 09:16 AM ----------

    But anyway, CB, you just go ahead and express yourself and don't let what you do be dictated by what other people may or may not think. That's the habit that got most of us into this mess in the first place!
     
  17. Choirboy

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    Probably more a "guy" thing than an "age" thing or a "gay guy" thing (although I am shocked that anything I do could be identified as a "guy" thing). That was a Saturday Night Live character that Chris Farley did. He was a kind of greasy-gross motivational speaker who lived in a "van down by the river" and was constantly adjusting his belt while hollering. I get very tired of a lot of the SNL stuff pretty quickly, but he was pretty funny.
     
  18. Spaceman

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    I feel for you Jae. I'm inching closer and closer to coming out to my wife and feel like I'm on a roller coaster… and the ride hasn't even started yet.

    One minute I'm excited about finally being able to be the real me… and the next minute I'm asking myself what the HELL are you thinking. How could you throw away your "perfect" family life and devastate the wonderful woman who gave you half her life. Then I beat myself up for creating this whole mess in the first place. If only I'd been stronger when I was younger. If only I'd made different choices.

    You're right, it sucks big time and it's going to suck a lot more before it (hopefully) gets better. My main consolation are the people here who have made it to the other side and are finally at peace with themselves. Now let me join you in that beer.
     
  19. Choirboy

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    I can only imagine the party that would result if EC were to pick a date and place and say "Come on down for a beer". Probably the craziest combination of a celebration and a group therapy session that any one of us could possibly dream up!
     
  20. jae

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    Dragonbait, glad you found humor in it.. you and Choirboy crack me up!!

    Spaceman; once the words leave your lips there is no turning back. I thought the words "Im gay" were going to be the toughest part, boy was I wrong. On the up side, I am finally ME. You are right its a roller coaster for sure. Be well Spaceman stay strog.

    Ideatme; You are right. It took a lifetime to become who I am and I am all the better for having lived it. I have no regrets and will continue to look at it in that light. Thank you


    As for me, I will take my van down by the river this weekend gaze at the NYC skyline drink a few beers and give myself motivational pep talks wilst I adjust my belt repeatedly... :slight_smile: