Hello All. This is a letter I wrote 3 months ago, not ever to send (it is a bit explicit!), but to unburden myself - after I told them I'm gay and hadn't gotten much of a response. Since then, my mother HAS opened up, she asks me about who I'm dating, if I'm happy . (a few things in the letter changed to be less identifying, so its a bit stilted in a few spots). (oh, the movie guy mentioned below, he's still very much in my life - we see each other a couple of times a week, and its pretty great!) You know, even in 3 months, it has gotten better! Love and hugs to all of you on EC, Pete xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Dear Mama and Papa, There are so many many things I’d like to say to you, that I want you to know about me. I think I pretty managed, until the divorce, to live a life that looked “right” to you. But I failed you by whom I married. I failed you by not becoming a doctor. I failed you by not (other career). I remember during grad school, when I went through mandated counseling, that you came to take part. And while we talked, it was all so superficial. But I do recall, it was probably the last time I recall you saying that you were proud of me. Yes, I’d get father’s day cards from you, saying what a good Dad I was to the kids. I think you probably thought I rose to the occasion, to do what I had to, once (ex wife) was too fucked up to be a mother. And I think that every wish, every desire you had for me was to be married, happy, have kids. I came close a couple times. And every time it didn’t work out, you inserted yourselves – writing letters, making phone calls. Guess you thought I couldn’t do what I needed to be happy, huh, that I needed caretaking. As I write this – I wonder, I think that you knew I was always different. I’m sure you didn’t think I was gay, or did you? You knew I wasn’t into sports, never into girls, that I wasn’t the popular kid, that I was the nerd, the intellectual. I suppose some of those things you appreciated in me. So let me be brutally honest with you – borderline too much information. You know those guys who were my friends, who slept over all the time, we camped out in (nearby woods) all the time. Well, from about age 12 I was having sex with them. And guess who, most of the time, initiated it all, me (well except for Bob ;-). I had no damn clue that the stuff I wanted to do with them, did with them, was “gay”. I just liked it. It was who I naturally was. I had no role models. I had never seen any porn other than Playboy. But I knew what to do with boys. Remember how terribly fucked up I was in early high school? I was about as unhappy as anyone could imagine. Wish I understood that better – what caused that? How did it get better? (or maybe it never really did). At some point I stopped fooling around with my friends. I have absolutely no understanding now of what happened, why? Fast forward almost 30 years. My marriage sucked. My relationships with women seemed and looked good. But ended. I resigned myself to being alone. And at night I’d lay in bed hugging my pillow, thinking I’d always be alone. The cats were all I had. Pretty pathetic, huh. Then last year I was terribly unhappy. Like park the car in the garage with the engine running or drive the car into the overpass abutment unhappy. Yeah I was with my girlfriend. Clearly not good. Then, before I actually took a bottle of pills or put a bullet into my head I picked up the phone and made call for help “ I think I’m gay.” Boy was I confused. But I wasn’t . And I knew exactly what I needed help with. For that, Mama and Papa, you should have been so proud of me. For the very first time in my life, being authentic and honest about this thing that had been torturing me for 45 years. 45 years… Can you imagine, if my head, my brain, my soul had not been cluttered with the pain, uncertainty, of what I could have done? Its OK. So very OK. I lived my life the best I could. I laughed, lived. Had kids, friends, and tried my best at relationships with women. And now. I’m not different. I’m not changed. I’m whom I always was, always meant to be. My soul is peaceful. My heart sings. And I’m beginning to figure out the dance with life as a gay man. Being gay – its not such a big part of my life. Yet its everything. And its much more. Its much more – because as I buried the part of me that’s gay, I buried so much more of who I am. And being gay is everything…. Because now I really get that me being happy means being with men. This past weekend, I went to the movies with a guy I really care about, who cares about me. And we held hands the entire time. Me and a man. In a theatre. Yes, a lot of people saw us. He didn’t want to let go of my hand, I didn’t want to let go of his. OK – TMI, but we spent a whole weekend together. We had sex. We made love. We laughed. We smiled. The weekend before, when I was with you – I had a great time with another guy – all day. I don’t think either of these men will be my life partner. That’s fine. That WILL happen! For now, I’m beginning to taste, feel, experience the life I want, the life I need, the life I was born to have. And all I want to hear from you is that its ok to be gay. That you are happy that I’m happy. I know Papa, you tried with your arm around me, and by talking about the other guy, the doctor. But Mama, you have not said one word, nothing to me. I don’t’ know what you think – are you embarrassed? Do you think I’m making a mistake? Do you worry about the kids? IDK – you’ve said nothing. You avoid the conversation (ha – guess where I get that from!). I have never been happier as an adult. I love me. I love knowing that I am gay. And (my kids, ex wife) all my friends… have given me so much support and love throughout this. Maybe its more of a shock to you – did you ever think I’m gay? IDK. I want you to say that you’re happy for me. That you are happy I’m happy. That you want to meet my boyfriend, when I have one. I love you deeply, Pete
That's a great letter, Pete. I'm sure it's quite nice to unburden yourself. I'm glad you have the tact not to send it to them (at least without trimming it in a few areas, LOL), but I'm sure you gained some perspective just by writing it. I related to the last paragraph about whether or not they "knew." I've always been curious when my parents knew I was gay. I guess I sort of want to compare it to the time when I knew I was gay. LOL Anyway, thanks for sharing.
I didn’t see the original one, but this great Pete. It has emotion and passion which I love. I would maybe turn down the little TMI bit about being with a guy and just put make love. It is a shame that it won’t be used since you already came out to them.
Its a very touching letter. Has recent opening up of parents made it redundant or do you still seek more acknowledgement from them?
Thanks all -- I hope this gives you an opening with the ones you love, too. I wrote this a couple months after coming out to them and at that time I had to admit that I was pretty hurt by their more or less ignoring this about me. Dad reached out, but I'm closer with my Mom and not having her say anything or be open to talk about it was painful. Its been in the past month and a half, about, that things have changed. My Mom asked about who I was seeing a couple visits ago, then again at a recent weekend visit. I was pretty stunned that she felt ok to ask and talk while my son was there! (yes, that IS great). I'm an only kid, with no other relatives at all, the 3 of us have always been very close. If they hadn't been open about it, not sure what I would have done. I am pretty darned happy right now. I think I'd probably have rationalized that they're older, that I was glad I told them, and that my kids know they know. Hugs, Pete
Thanks for posting it, it can take a while for our parents to come round, we have had a few years to think about it so to tell them something like this will come as a bit of a shock especially if you do a good job of hiding it whether intentionally or not. If you were to send a version to your parents I wouldn't mention the sex at 12 year old part that could be a bit much.
I tore up a bit reading your letter. It's so beautiful. If you do plan on sending them this letter I think you already know the sections you should take out but such a beautiful letter.
No matter what age we are, we are still our parent's children, and they still hold such power over us. You needed to write that letter, if only to convince yourself that you are right about this. My own mother has come around as well, but she sometimes would rather not talk about it. I recently brought a gay friend over with me to visit her at her cottage for an afternoon, and he noticed it too (he also was familiar with this evasion with his own mother, and recognized it immediately). She has been nothing but supportive, if reserved. Once there is a significant other in my life, she will take it in stride as she has so many other inevitabilities. I love her for that; her ability to just dance with fate and do the best she can.
Wow, Pete very moving. Thank you for posting this, there is strength in writing your feelings down even if the letter was never sent. It empowers you as well as helps to heal wounds. Be well
Amazing letter. Sometimes I think that even without sending it, just the act of sitting down and pulling all those thoughts together in an organized way is so very healing, and so necessary. In many ways, we need to recognize that we have had to learn to communicate with ourselves in a brand new way, as much as with parents, siblings, spouses etc. We are not the same people we were when we were putting on that straight show for the world, and the person we are becoming is someone we need to take some time to get to know.
