I have had sporadic progress getting my wife to accept my gay identity after coming out to her last March. What has been more difficult is getting her to accept that I need to move out...and on with my life. She has been very dependent on me for most of our time together and she believes the idea of life without me is unbearable. Yesterday, I followed up on conversations from a month ago where I talked about wanting to move out in March, which is the one-year mark from when I came out to her. I gave her a folder with our financial position, a draft proposal of how I would be able to support her financially, and a copy of our state's definition of divorce and legally recognized separation. After going quiet for about two hours, she unleashed her fury and hatred on me. Her understanding of gay identity is miniscule and she can't accept what I have to tell her about it. Her rage and fury last for about 90 minutes where I was subjected to being told that I was destroying her life...our son's lives, our extended family and devastating our circle of friends with my "selfish" choice. She told me that my life alone would be miserable and lonely and demanded that I tell her "just what I thought my future life would be like." She wanted to destroy that vision, so I refused to tell her. I knew that divorce/separation discussions get ugly, but I am left with only the integrity that I showed by not biting into the argument and staying calm....not letting her destroy my spirit. I know how much she is hurting, but nowhere in her mind is a shred of concern for what it's like at 61 to come out and try to live life as you were born to do. I feel quite adrift today with great sadness, low esteem and damaged confidence....but my spirit is NOT broken, nor will I let her or anyone else take that from me. In the end, I am the only one who can stand in my way and THAT is not happening!
It's difficult to give you any comment... We don't know what you had told her in March and how your life together was (and we don't need to know). How big the shock was and how her life will change. You probably turned her life upside down and her reaction is understandable. You waited very long with coming out. She may feel like she gave you her best years and now you are leaving her and she is afraid she will stay alone. If you had divorced at thirty, things would have been perhaps more smooth.
Hi ormanout, I agree with Nick for the most part. I don't have much advice, other than to wish you both some relief in all this. There are different schools of thought on this subject matter. Some say that, after a certain age, a gay man or woman should just keep their present life intact, since there's "so little" time to explore their potential gay life anyway. I personally don't find issue with what you're doing. I know a few women who have found love again in their 50's and 60's after having been divorced. It will not be impossible for your wife to find someone new. Also, after a few years' worth of perspective, she may do a 180 and decide to be happy that you are now happy. Okay, perhaps not happy; but "at peace." At some point, her anger will subside, regardless. One cannot (healthily) hold onto that much anger for too long. Again, best of luck to you. Keep us posted.
I think you handled it pretty well. I suggest giving her lots of space. She needs to find her own support system and start disconnecting from you emotionally. Understandable that you are sad and feeling adrift. And no matter how much you intellectualize that this is best for you and ergo best for her, its gut wrenching. Hugs, Pete
