Hello. I have been married for 15 years. After getting married at 19 All connections with friends were cut off. I am lost lonely and confused along my way. As I get older I feel like my life is passing by and worried that when I'm in my 40s it will be harder to just deal with getting by day by day in my marriage. I try to just get by especially for my children. So much goes through my mind and I know I lost the person I once was. My wife found out about 10 years ago when she found gay porn on the computer. I think she is denial. Everyone says that I lied and should have told her before we got married.But we were dating in high school and she got pregnant with our first child while a senior in high school. A year later we were married and happy. Now I feel if I come out and end my marriage I destroyed my family and let them all down.
I always struggle with the "lie" thing. It's something that I have talked through a lot with my wife, because it seemed like this was something I should have recognized and come to grips with long before we got married (and in our case, I was 32, so you would sure THINK I would have known something was up). But the truth is, we all grow up with ideas in our heads of what we want our lives to be, what the people closest to us (parents, friends, family) expect of us, and what we think society will or won't accept. My mom was married at 21 and I was born when she was 22, and my youngest sibling is 10 years younger than I am. The difference in her parenting style with me vs. the youngest was very drastic in some ways, because she had grown and changed so much as a person in those 10 years. If you were married right out of high school, let's face it, you were still basically a kid. You may have had feelings towards guys that you didn't recognize, didn't understand, couldn't process or couldn't face. Marrying someone in that situation isn't a "lie". It's just a young person who didn't have enough knowlege to know that what he was doing was a mistake on several important levels. The fear of destroying people and letting them down is very real. I'm struggling with some of that myself. The first thing to try and get past is the notion that being gay, bi, whatever would "let someone down". You are who you are, and that can't be changed. I had hoped that my youngest daughter's eyes would stay blue. They didn't. She didn't "let me down" by developing brown eyes, but I would certainly have let HER down if I held it against her that they weren't blue. If you're gay or bi, you are NOT letting anyone down; if anything, those who do not accept you for who you are will be letting YOU down. If your wife has had an inkling of this for 10 years, she probably is in some degree of denial, but I and numerous other guys in this forum can tell you that very often, our wives were not surprised. I know mine wasn't; in fact, once she processed the news, she felt relieved that the distance between us was not because of some fault of hers, but because I just wasn't capable of the level of intimacy that she was looking for. I feel that in the long run (maybe not even all that long, actually), she may be happier because she will have the chance to find someone who really CAN give her the emotional bond that I can't. We have a 20-year marriage, a 25-year friendship and 2 children between us, and that history won't change. But if you approach this as a positive thing, rather than shameful, and make it clear that neither of you needs to be the enemy here, it may work out for the best. Give yourself time to think and process before you do anything, but know that you're not alone in this, and a lot of us are doing our best to make it work. Good luck!
Lostyrs77, First off welcome to EC. I must agree with Choirboy especially his last paragraph. Think about your approach and understand that her reaction may not be pleasant, let her process the information and allow her to be angry, hurt and cry. Reinforce the fact that your marraige was not predicated on a lie. Be gentle, be true to yourself and be easy on yourself. I say be easy on yourself because it seems that no one ever has compassion for themselves when it comes to coming out. Myself included, I never gave a thought to how I felt or what I was going through, I only worried and still do to a degree, how is everyone else going to make it through. just remember your not a liar your not the cause of what people may perceive as intentional harm or suffering by coming out and your worth the effort. Be well
Hi there and welcome to EC! You've come to the right place. I agree with what has been said so far, and I would add that you shouldn't worry about 'ruining' the lives of other people. I had that very same fear. That's how I felt, and carried around so much guilt over it. But the reality is you haven't and you won't 'ruin' anyone's life. As far as I'm concerned, the truth really does set you, and everyone around you, free. Being honest and authentic with your wife and your kids will enrich their lives, and if anything, trying to stick it out and being miserable in the process is more likely to 'ruin' their lives. It won't be an easy transition - separation or divorce never is - but with the right support and with lots of love and understanding you can all get through this and be better off for it. My wife and I split over 6 years ago when I was 36. She remarried after 3 years. I remarried after 4. Our kids know I'm gay and they're fine with it. It really can work out MUCH better than you can likely envision from where you're sitting right now. You'll just have to take my word for it. Again - welcome!
I am in the thick of the anger and rage stage with my wife. As we begin discussing our separation, she has come unglued on several occasions. The words of those advising you above are wise, healing balm for all of us. After two days of anger and homophobic slurs being spewed in my direction, she finally settled into doing some couples counseling. It was a major point of resistance for her, but I really needed to get a third party in the room with her to help manage a more reflective conversation. I knew we would have to go through this stage. It isn't fun but it is necessary and totally to be expected. It's going to take years for us to heal from this, but I know I deserve to live life without constantly needing to "perform" heterosexual masculinity. She also deserves to have a chance at having someone in her life who will love her totally and completely in the ways that I cannot. While I care for her deeply after all we've gone through....it is simply not enough for either of us, even if I can see that now...and she may come to realize it later on. It is somewhat unreasonable to expect that we might both reach that conclusion simultaneously. After all, I've had a lifetime of same-sex attraction that she's only known about for six months. Even though I tried to deny it and keep it from becoming a reality, that attraction was there at birth.
No, do NOT do this. It's hard for us to understand and it took marriage counselors and therapists to help me understand it but when you don't give your wife informed consent (letting her digest the facts and making an informed decision), you ARE lying. And trying to deny it will only fan the flames of her hurt. Admit up front that yes, you didn't tell her and yes, it was wrong not to. Don't sugar coat it with excuses that being bisexual was frowned upon back then. It may be true but it doesn't matter because you should have been honest and open with the person you were asking to spend the rest of your life with. Are there other issues in your marriage? Fix them before addressing sexuality issues. Then worry about sexuality.
When I was about 10 another boy and I experimented with each other. This was late 80s. I remember around 1990 my family was in Disney and Ryan White was all over the news. When I asked my parents what HIV was. I was told 2 guys get it from being together (also how Ryan got it) I cried and cried. I believe this was a huge scarring moment in my life. I did not want to be gay. It wasn't until years later after being married I realised there was nothing wrong with being hay. But I still don't think I lied to my wife as chrissouth has said. When I got married everything was perfect. It was years later the feelings came on strong. Are you 100% happy now chrissouth53?
Hi lostyrs77. Thanks for the friend add I have such empathy for you and your situation! The only advice I have is: 1. Be honest with yourself first. Think about what you really want. I know it makes you feel selfish, but this is YOUR life and you can't sacrifice your happiness for someone else's - you'll just both end up being miserable. Happiness can only be shared. 2. Once you've dealt with 1, tell your wife. She also has a right to decide on her own happiness. By not being honest you are actually disrespecting her and her ability to shape her own life. If you love her - TELL HER. I know this is a really tough time for you, but what I found was: it's better to be honest and feel something, than to continue with this hollow life where everything feels fake and you don't really feel anything. All the best and feel free to msg me if you'd like to chat more privately.
I agree with Jae. Don't invalidate the love and feelings you had/have for your wife. Or hers for you. You probably still have feelings, or this wouldn't be so difficult. Your love was not false, phoney, or a lie. That you want to stay together for the sake of the kids -- that's love and commitment. And if you were happy, truly happy, you probably would stay in the marriage. That's totally distinct from where you are now about your sexuality. And being honest and authentic about who you are is a starting point for a happy, fulfilling life for you and for her. I was pretty beat up (emotionally) by friends of my ex-partner, for lying and leading her on. Never, ever, did I do that. Yes, in the last 6 months or so, I didn't share with her what I was working on during therapy. I initially thought that I'd understand my gay feelings, figure it out, then our planned life could continue. Once I got that wasn't possible, I had SO much to figure out before I told anyone. It was a scary and anxious time. lostyrs77, you should applaud yourself for engaging in this dialogue, for asking the questions, for not wanting things to stay the way they are. You are modeling for your kids what you would want most for them -- to be authentic to what they need for their happiness. Keep posting. We all learn from each other.
I am, but it hasn't been easy. We had plenty of other issues to work through and I think my being more interested in guys was directly related to the lack of sex/intimacy at home. Once we were able to resolve the other issues and resumed a fulfilling sex life my same sex attraction has become less. I acknowledge that a guy can have a need for an *emotional* connection with another guy. I don't have that. For me it's purely sexual and if my sexual needs are met by my wife, I'm good.
Howdy....I am new to EC myself and working to get settled in. But yes....thank you for sharing. I feel like I could have written this myself. Been married about the same length of time with kids. Struggling with allot of the same issues and watching time go by day by day. I'm not sure if I can help allot with your situation as I am currently not "out" to my wife but am here to help in anyway. I will mention to try and not get too wrapped up in the notion that you lied. I don't think any of us intentionally set out to deceive our spouses or anyone else for that matter. Tho this is what may be perceived from the outside looking in. Not sure. The guilt of destroying lives does weigh heavy but I am learning that this is a characteristic of heterosexual breakups as well. I guess I am still on the fence so to speak of whether or not being gay has to be brought up at all as a reason to end a marriage. You know your circumstances better then anyone. If there are problems in the marriage already isn't that enough? All this can be ammunition when it comes to children and custody. Just thinking out loud here. All the best!!
Lostyears, a tough situation for you. What I think is that with such minimal information about a difficult problem of some duration, a judgmental response is likely to be unhelpful. From your original post you already have got enough of that. Easy to say "you should have told her before you got married" but that doesn't help to solve the present situation- it's just passing judgement. Hindsight is always 20/20, and particularly easy when looking at someone elses life. I question whether at 19 many people know themselves fully anyway. They are certainly still evolving. As you were dating, and having a sexual relationship at the time, you're feelings for one another would appear to have been genuine. Many people get married on that basis alone, let alone for rasing a child already on the way. To reduce that and your subsequent happiness together to to simply "a lie" seems presumptious and simplistic. However, from what you say you have been aware of your attraction to men for some years perhaps without fully dealing with it so there's a job you have put off and must deal with. But many guys on this site who married at a younger age find themselves in the position of discovering this about themselves, but it doesn't invalidate the marriage entirely or the reasons for getting married in the first place. Couples promise to love honor and obey in their vows, but when one or both of them can no longer live up to this does it retrospectively make liars of them? I don't think so. I don't think it would hurt to get some short term counselling yourself to explore your own issues and to clarify your mind before opening this up with your wife. But that's your call.
That was a tough time to be discovering your sexuality. I was 15 in 1990. Homosexuality was still a death sentence as AZT had just been approved a couple years before. They did a great job of scarring us at the time. No one was having sex in our high school. It definitely had an affect on my acceptance. I believe I was in fear for quite sometime keeping me stuffed tight in my closet.
