Love? Monogamy?? Monagamish?

What's kicking you in the gut is the status quo, it is no longer working...

Whatever you do, whether you broach the subject or not, an unsatisfying situation will remain that way until something is done.

Here's the hard part: you need to share with him what you feel...almost everything you told us, you need to tell him...but you know that already; the need to be vulnerable has been discussed here so frequently...but now it involves you, yourself, and it's no longer theoretical, it's real, and it's fucking scary!

You know also that a vulnerable posture is the only way that could possibly affect him deeply and change his attitude toward you, all of this is what saying "I love you" first is all about. It takes vulnerability to move forward, taking a chance at happiness is not for the weak of heart, your love for him must shine through despite all your fears and anxieties. Let him see that too: what you are afraid of losing...

Just understand that loving is not possession, it's a commitment freely entered into for the sake of something beautiful happening between you...if you focus on that, it's worth the chance, I think...

 

What greatwhale said.

But think a little further down the road. If you open up to him and he says "You know... I'd rather stay as FWB's.", what is your next move?

Do you just say OK and keep the status quo or do you tell him "Sorry, but I need the same commitment from you that I'm willing to make, so bye-bye."

Think it out before saying anything.

 

Why don't you ask without making it an ultimatum? "I've started to wonder if we could actually be a couple instead of just FWB. Would that be something you might be down for?" If he says no, or gets defensive, or weirded out, just remain calm and say "It's Ok - I'd just started wondering. Just wanted to see what the options were."

Lex

 

Well if you don't speak up, the chance of losing him goes up with every passing day. Tell him how you feel.

 

The key to a great relationship as they say s communication. You need to discuss this, at the very least to manage your own expectations.
I went thru this last year when my BF of 2+ years, still hadn't asked me to move into his house ( I was renting). In the end, his side of the story and thought process made sense but we weren't communicating each others needs/ wants.

 

Lex has a good suggestion, bring it up without making it sound like an ultimatum, maybe they themselves like having multiple partners but I think we all would like to have just one, by bringing it up it then plants a seed so to speak that your FWB might start thinking of you being the one for them, part of a relationship to work is the communication, if you don't bring it up the answer will be no.

 

Okay, so please excuse me for taking liberties with your thought/writing process, but I needed to reorder your statements in the way I intended to respond, for my own thought process, and I didn't have any side tools available to me with which to reorganize. Sorry, but I'm very linear. You jumped off your safe place and this is how your comments jumped out at me.

1. He's the dominant one, which would - following that train of thought - make you the submissive one. But by trying to ask for something more in the relationship you're thinking that you're taking a dominant role, and this is not the norm.

2. You're scared of being vulnerable, but if by following that thread of logic in the above, we've determined that you are the submissive one, then that would mean you regularly make yourself vulnerable to him (which by your inference seems to appeal to him) then wouldn't making yourself vulnerable by asking for more (and risking rejection) be in keeping with the roles you've established? And hence appeal to him?

3. I had to include this because you actually made a tear come to my eye - with envy, with longing, with hope... sounds incredible, amazing, a dream. And I could only wonder, if you try to keep things going as they are, without 'rocking to boat' so to speak, won't you just fall even deeper? And if he's not there right along with you, won't it just become harder and harder?

3a. So go after it!

3b. What are you waiting for?

 

PeteNJ,

Greatwhale is very wise and said it best. The only thing I can add is, no, you will not be OK with "monagmish". After all these years you finally know what you want. Now it is time to go after it. All of it.

Best,

George

 

PeterNJ, I want to invite you to back up a bit and examine what is really being asked for in this moment. What is it that you are truly seeking? What is the need unfulfilled?

I am curious because often in relationships we have a tendency to create this whole narrative of, "If only such and such happens then I will be — happy? satisfied? fulfilled? safe? loved?" Are you actually "in love" with this guy your are dating, or are you "in love" with the idea of being coupled with him and what your life will then "look like/be." Are you chasing after an idea of happiness or are you finding the joy in what is in the present moment?

The interesting and challenging thing about being in a relationship is that they are dynamic, ever-changing, growing organisms. Where relationships fall apart is when one partner fails to live up to the other's expectations, or narrative of what the relationship is "supposed" to be. This can be avoided when we hold relationships lightly and allow them to evolve naturally, AND when we communicate our expectations and desires to each other. When couples fail to communicate what tends to happen is that the two parties travel along the relationship highway following only their own individual internal map of the relationship landscape until they wake up one day and find that they have been traveling down two separate pathways. It's much harder then to reroute the journey so that your pathways are more congruent. So wouldn't it be better to get your bearings clarified now?

Your fears of "rocking the boat" are natural and understandable. We have a natural tendency to want to maintain equilibrium and grasp those experiences that are positive or pleasurable. But here's the thing, nothing is impermanent, everything changes. So whether you say something or not the relationship will inevitably shift and transform — perhaps for the better, perhaps not — you really have little control over that. What you do have control over is how you respond. Right now the situation is causing you suffering because you are fretting over what will happen if you say something and what will happen if you don't. This is all mental fabrications. I would invite you to try and get out of your head. Instead, focus on being authentic (which means being vulnerable BTW), speak your truth, and put more energy into the present moment. In other words — show up, pay attention, speak your truth, and don't be attached to the outcome.

If you are living an authentic life then things will be as they should be, they can't help but be that way. And correct me if I am wrong, did you not leave a relationship that was less than authentic, where you were unable to live your truth and have your needs met? Why would you want to start a new one with a similar framework?

I am curious about how you define your relationship in terms of dominant and submissive, but I will save that for another day. I will say though that in the classic construct of such relationship dynamics it is the submissive that hold the power — food for thought.

Wishing you clarity and peace.

 

This is the downside you don't see yet. Before Mike came and scooped me up I had a FWB who I was monogamous with as we agreed to not have sex anyone else without telling the other as that would risk the other and no longer be safeish. I know everyone should use condoms, but I don't and never will for my own reasons which are not relevant to the point here. He wanted to lock me in as his GF like you want him. He did not tell me as I would have said yes and would be his now, but instead Mike beat him and I was in love with both of them and still am, but Mike asked first so I jumped at the opportunity as I hated being single and living alone. Sure I had this hunk bedding me down regular and we spent lots of time together, but I wanted something permanent knowing he is mine forever is so comforting over FWB. I was shocked when my FWB was so tore up over loosing me because I thought he would never accept my male body as in buying the cow!

This is how I have heard it best "You snooze, you loose!" So go get him!!!!

June

 

Damn. Bipossible and JuneCleaver are giving you phenomenal advice. Between them and GreatWhale, I now know who to hit up next time I have a problem!

 

Courage Pete!...all you need to do is imagine all of us standing right there behind you through it all (then you can tell us all to leave when you're...ahem...ready)