Therapist - is it her or me?

So. I have had five sessions with my therapist, I've seen her weekly since I started, and I just feel like I'm wasting my time. It's not that I view therapy as a waste of time, but that I feel like I'm getting nothing from the time I'm spending with her - other than discouragement, that I'll never find a way to come to grips with my myriad of issues.

I've shared this feeling (that my therapist is useless) with a friend, who told me to give it time, that it's me, that I'm stuck in a mechanical interchange mode and I need to breakthrough to dig deeper, but I don't know how to achieve that breakthrough without guidance. If I could do this on my own I wouldn't need a therapist, would I?

So I guess I'm posting this, curious to hear from other people, how long do I give this before I either look for a new therapist or just give up? I'm trying not to be impatient and understand that things take time, but how much?

 

Hi Dragonbait,

Personally, I think 5 sessions is enough. If the ice isn't sufficiently broken by now, I don't know that it will ever be. Maybe the two of you just don't have chemistry as people? There are several people in my daily life where it seems like conversation just hits a brick wall.

I'm assuming that these sessions are not cheap...so you might want to consider someone else to help you sort through your issues. Usually there will be a local website that "grades" doctors, including therapists? Don't know what it's called, but I'm sure that one exists.

 

Yup. As you've heard me say, I've got a whole laundry list (I actually took a print out with me when I saw her last - that fact will give away a few of them right there) so I tried to choose someone that "specialized" in at least a few of the ones that are highest on my priority list. It really looked like she covered them all, and there weren't many - especially in my vicinity - that did. Then from among those, the calls to select one to start with were a trip unto themselves. By the time it came down to it, I felt like she was basically my only choice - or at least the only one that met all of my criteria.

So if any of you have a therapist you really like, how did you find them?

Maybe I just need to find a good bartender instead.

 

EscapeArtist - you're scaring me. I'm already 46, I don't want to waste any more time, let alone years just trying to find someone I click with! I guess I just don't want to bail prematurely if it's going to take me a couple of months to get comfortable enough or for her to get to know me enough to actually help.

But from the response I'm getting here, sounds like I'm back to the search engines. Lovely.

---------- Post added 14th Sep 2013 at 03:49 PM ----------

That's exactly the way it went for me in my first search. A picture or phrasing on their website would put me off (they don't need to be good looking - they just can't remind me of any of the people I've got issues with!), or I'd call and be put off by their voice or what they did and didn't say on their voice messages. Spoke to one woman who seemed really great, but I had a very hard time understanding her as she had a very strong accent, and I didn't think I wanted to be struggling through language barriers at the same time I'm working on mental barriers.

And the one I'm seeing now does exactly what you described. Pretty much just sits there, nods, and looks at me, all the while petting her lapdog. When I sat there yesterday, 15 minutes into my appointment, after telling her that I'm really feeling very good and like a huge weight had been taken off me after enduring something I'd been dreading, she just smiled at me, as if to say, "Oh good, so we're done then?" when she knows I've got this whole long list.

But at the same time, I cannot self-direct this. I need someone who knows what I want to work on and will help me confront those things. After 40-some years of masterfully avoiding and hiding, this stuff isn't just all going to come streaking out on its own.

---------- Post added 14th Sep 2013 at 03:54 PM ----------

I really had to laugh at your question. Do you know how many issues I would have to overcome to be able to express my frustration directly to my current therapist?! Nope, hiding frustrations and avoiding direct confrontation of any sort is my modus operandi. I need the therapist just to get me to the point that I can confront my therapist! :bang:

---------- Post added 14th Sep 2013 at 04:00 PM ----------

Cold fish is pretty much the description that would best fit. Even when I ask a direct question about why I subconsciously put myself in a situation diametrically opposed to "classic behaviour" and in direct conflict with what I actually like and want, she just smirks. What is that?

One thing that you wrote in the above triggered something for me though. Yesterday when I was waiting for her to see me, the mail carrier came in and was trying to figure out where to leave her mail. I just shrugged and said I didn't know, so she knocked on the Dr's inner door, and when asked the Dr responded very rudely, "Just leave it on the table!" like she was a frustrated mother yelling at a child.

I wish I knew what to take from witnessing that, other than the fact that it made me very uncomfortable.

 

Thanks Pete. Since reading your post I've read three different articles/explanations of CBT online, but you've made me curious. Why do you so strongly recommend CBT? What in your own experience makes you think it would work well for me?

I don't know one therapeutic approach from another, but would really like to know what to look for and why!

 

Yeah, you'd think so, wouldn't you? I know most people would express dissatisfaction. As a matter of fact, that's exactly what I would advise as well. But for me there's a huge wall between what I know I should do, and what I actually do. What I would actually do in any of those example is get upset, walk out and find a new dentist, dr., surgeon, hairdresser, landscaper, whatever, and try to get them to repair the damage. (let's just tic that one off on that list of mine)

---------- Post added 14th Sep 2013 at 04:18 PM ----------

Oh, and neglected to answer that one. Yes. She actually does. At first I thought he might be there for pet therapy or something (and I'm not a huge dog lover so it wouldn't work for me) but she never actually takes her hands off the thing, so I'm guessing it's really not meant for her patients' benefit.

 

Well, short of posting my own - rather personal - list of all the things I'd really like to work on with a good therapist, the simplest way to answer you would be to just explain it using your own words.

You "just feel kind of generally well-adjusted and happy".

I don't.