Hi, I am new here and feel so glad to have found this site! My first sexual experience was with a girl when I was 14. It felt right but we felt we had to be hidden from discovery by my family and friends. I guess this set the tone for most of my life. I felt I had to fit in, I always sought approval from my parents and would never do anything to upset them or anyone else. I have been married for 16 years to a really lovely man who would do anything for me and who is my best friend. I am ashamed to say that I have never been majorly physically attracted to him and this has caused so many problems in our relationship. He has asked me if I was attracted to women a number of times, I always denied it. He would be utterly devastated if he knew that I could only be with him sexually if I fantasised about making love to another woman. We do not have children as I always knew there was something fundamentally wrong with the way we are. I do love him, and my heart breaks at the thought of us not being together. I have always been afraid of being stereotyped or labelled, so I guess I have opted for the safety of hiding. I have recently started a new job and have begun to have feelings for a colleague who is lesbian. I am keeping my distance out of respect for my husband, but I find myself thinking about her all of the time. My safety is being threatened and I am scared witless! I have read so many threads on here from people who are married and have to face choices. I know for a fact that I am sexually attracted to women and always have been, however I have an amazingly kind and thoughtful husband who I love. My head and heart are in turmoil and I am not sure what to do! Has anyone been in a similar situation? If so, any advice would be gratefully received. I am 44, so this has been suppressed for a long time!
Welcome to EC Quest2! It is a lovely place, and one I'm certain you will find quite welcoming. I'm afraid our only similarities are our first sexual encounters and the fact that I too am struggling with how my own issues with sexuality and lack of attraction to the man I married negatively impacted my marriage, but there our paths divide. Our marriage has had infinitely more wrong with it than right, and my love for my husband (who I am currently preparing to divorce) is only like that for an irritating older brother and has never really been more. We do have children, two teenage boys, and interestingly enough, last night while talking about our younger one, and a homework assignment in which he predicts his own future on a timeline (get married, then later stay married) my husband disclosed to me that he knew that I'd never wanted to marry or have children in the first place. Somehow I had never realized that he actually got that 'fundamental wrongness' you mentioned in your post. I was engaged once before I met my husband, and that was the man in my life that questioned my attraction to women and encouraged me to 'experiment'. If I'd only really contemplated his suggestion at the time I may have lead a completely different life. But no sense lingering on what if's, I'd rather think about what's next. So, needless to say, I've got very little to offer you by way of advice, but I did want to say hello and let you know that you'll find many people here who are or have been in your shoes, and they are a wonderful source of both inspiration and comfort.
Dear Dragonbait, Thank you so much for your reply, I am sorry to hear about your struggle. It makes me really angry and sad that so many of us do not listen to our youthful selves and have the strength and courage of our convictions. I have nothing but admiration and respect for everyone who stands up and is true to themselves! I know that if I was not so bothered about what others thought of me back then, my life would have been so different! The gay scene when I was at University was very 'in your face' I could not cope with that. I pored myself into my studies and afterwards into my career. My husband is my friend but this this is the only level we click on. It must be so much more difficult when children are involved. It's incredible how isolated and lonely you can feel when there is no one to talk to in your life that could understand. Thank you again for your reply, I have already found this forum really inspiring!
Quest2, Welcome! I am in a similar situation. In the process of divorcing my husband of 10 years whom I love dearly, he is my best friend. I came out to him earlier this year (he knew I had been with women before but I had always identified as bi)- My situation was similar in that there was a woman whom I started having feelings for about a year and a half ago, and it really threw me. I was confused (as I didn't think she was really "my type" -but since I had mostly been with straight girls in the past I really didn't know what I was talking about lol). Anyway, it was eating me up, as I have always been emphatically opposed to cheating- and didn't want to even be THINKING about anyone else. Eventually, I ended up coming out to my husband and later telling him about my feelings for this woman. He has been amazing and nothing but proud of me and supportive. I know this is unique and I am incredibly lucky. (I did end up telling her as well, and to my surprise she is interested.) I don't want to give any advice because I think it's such an individual journey, but want to let you know there is great support here. Sorry this is so rambling, I don't feel like I am very good at telling these stories yet.
I wonder if it's not a false kindness, to stay with a spouse when one can't offer sexual intimacy that is mutual and real. As difficult as the break can be--the freedom for both parties to find partners that satisfy their desires can more than make up for the pain of the transition.
Oh boy! I know you are right DesertTortoise about false kindness, I have presented him with an open door to leave in the past. It looks like it will have to come from me. Thank you OneSpirit, you are indeed incredibly lucky! I suppose I have not given my husband the opportunity to say what he thinks. I have been very subtle and gentle when dropping hints about how I feel. He knows about this other woman being a lesbian, she is my boss and he makes jokes all the time. I even got him to do a Kinsey scale test in order that we could discuss the results (he was a zero, I was a 3/4). Again, he makes jokes. I wonder if he just does not want to process the information! Hearing about others handling similar situations really helps. Journeys are all individual, sometimes I wonder if this is just me being incredibly selfish. What if we split up and I realise sexual desire is not the most important thing in a relationship after all! I would have thrown away.......everything! My head hurts thinking about this so much!
The reason I stayed married a decade or two longer than I really should have was because I lacked the courage to do what I needed to do for myself. Let me tell you, I didn't do any of us any favors by deciding not to be "selfish". And despite all of my subtle hints and despite what he apparently knew about me from the get-go, he did not want to process the information and come to the correct inevitable conclusion. I wish I could say I found the courage, but it wasn't until he asked me a point blank question and nailed me to the wall for a forthright response that he finally got the message. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, and it took me quite awhile to come to grips with my own emotional fallout, but I am finally - a month or so later - starting to enjoy a feeling of lightness that has been missing from my life for way way way too long.
My stomach churns reading what you have said because you are hitting the nail on the head. I hope I can find the strength that you have. It is heartening to hear that you are now reaping the benefit of your struggle. Respect to you!
I waited 48 years to start this path, for years I know I wasn't like everyone else, but knew I wasn't gay, not that's a bad thing, just my thing, I found out last year at last I'm Transgender, Wow I have a name! I've started hormones, and at long last know I'm not crazy, that there are really others like me out there, now I need a mentor-help to fill in the blanks left by 48years of thinking I was male, Any takers?
Hi oxyd60, It sounds like you are about to embark on an incredibly exciting journey. I am not really qualified to give you advice but wish you all the luck in the world. I am sure there are others on here who will be able to help!
