I've recently come out to myself at 28 and it has been quite a few weeks. It's been pretty horrible really, I've made an effort to meet other gay people and it's obvious when I let go of any suppression that I am gay. But.... I think gay people have it tough, I can't really say that I thought much about gay life or people before and never really had a problem with them as I'm pretty easy going I also bought into the whole pride movement that living life as gay is fabulous etc. I find the reality to be different. I would previously have probably been creeped out a bit if I found myself with a load of gay people but that was probably because of internalized homophobia. I've become paranoid about my looks as I realise that physical attraction is so important although personally I am attracted to character, personality and the way people hold themselves but looks are still important. But I find a lot of older gay people beaten down it is very difficult to live in a society where most people if they don't hate you at least find you uncomfortable. Especially as you become less attractive to other men. I think the idea of gayness quite simply makes peoples skin crawl. Most of my friends at least the non core ones are probably going to be... ok with it. But I can't see myself being invited out as much and my relationships will change. In the long run this is probably better as I will find myself in more authentic relationships as previously I carefully and unconsciously suppressed any gayness at all times. Also I've become paranoid that people know that I am gay for instance in the cinema or from the way I walk etc. Straight people just laugh at gay people where I am, they think they are funny and kinda pathetic I guess. I went to gay club recently and really didn't like it the atmosphere was so... desperate and miserable, it's like everyone was trying really hard to have a good time but fooling no one. I always thought of myself as a really masculine guy but I realise now I was living a life of complete self deception and in fact I'm pretty feminine. I don't like horror movies or loads of blood, I'm very sensitive about peoples feelings etc. Also I seem to have been pushed around by other people my whole life in particular my parents, my career etc. is not really something that I am interested in but rather something that I had a vague interest in and decided it would allow me to attract a wife and have a family. Also I went dancing in a night club and I tried to let my inhibitions down and dance how I would in my bedroom and then I got a voicemail the next morning from some who saw me and rang me in the club to tell me I looked like a faggot cant really make out the voice and don't want to either, I guess it was what I expected but... life just got tougher I guess. I also don't believe in love between two men at least the permanent type and most of the gay men I've talked to agree with me. I guess we get no second chances but life would have been easier if I had known at a younger age. I am strong but I think life as a gay man will eventually break me.
Can't talk about life as a gay man, but when you talk about knowing at a younger age, all I can say is I wish I had experienced my "AHA" moment when I was your age, instead of just a month or so ago. There's one person here on EC (Biotech49) whose signature line seems particularly relavent to you: "The single best thing about coming out of the closet is that nobody can insult you by telling you what you've just told them. " — Rachel Maddow Ignore the voicemails and dance like no one is watching. That - at least - is a philosophy I've always lived by.
You don't think permanent love between two men exists? Or is it that you don't think it will exist for you? It does exist, it's just rare because of the way lgbt people have been stigmatized. Older guys never saw permanent love, marriage and family as options. Now that gay men (and women) are getting married in many parts of the world, many of those relationships will be permanent. Lgbt kids being born now will see permanent love as a obtainable option for those who want it. For gay male adults living now, it's quite difficult to find someone who wants it because of what we grew up with.
Working on coming out at 28 myself. I've been trying to tell myself that there are advantages to coming out later to help with the stigma of being a bit of a late bloomer. I am a little bit more mature, better able to empathize and understand others, etc. While I will most likely stumble and falter in my first relationships, I feel like my relationships will start off on a better footing as I am a much more patient and thoughtful person than I was at a younger age. I also feel like guys our age are beginning to look more towards the long term where looks don't matter quite as much. You are further ahead than me already having been out to a gay club/bar! Good job on that! (Well I went to once, but that doesn't count.) Anyway, if you ever need someone to chat with feel free to shoot me a message.
Lookingforsome, I strongly agree with Dragonbait. Do not grow up to be me, waiting until your 50's to turn your life around. Try to embrace your youth and just "go for it." You may not believe it, but people will probably gravitate towards you if you start to act confidently and develop an "I don't care what you think of me" attitude. It is very attractive to see a person who makes no apologies for who they are! Best of luck, my friend. Please keep us all posted.
There are so many tribes... you will find your own. And not all are into idealized young male muscle toned bodies. Look at my age. I'm in good shape, but I ain't no adonis. And I found a place where I was accepted. It's all about sex. It's way bigger than sex. Think free! Solidarity/Imagination/Love/Resistance!
Life - whether you are gay, straight, bi, trans, asexual, or anything else - is what you make of it. I've been out to pretty much everybody (family, friends, co-workers, various bosses, and roommates as I was introducing myself to them) for over 20yrs now and have had (and continue to have) a grand time of it. I've never had anyone express pity for me or any sort of 'skin crawling' issues. Everyone I'm out to likes me, is fine with my orientation (or doesn't care), and in the case of co-workers, have expressed respect for me and my abilities to do the job (which is what they care about, not who I sleep with). They've also all met my partner, to the point of inviting him to company holiday events, (and on the family side) asking if he'll be coming with me when I'm going home for a visit, and expressing disappointment if he's unable to. Speaking of my partner, we've been together over 16yrs now (it'll be 17yrs this December) and are currently playing with the notion of getting married in the next year or two. Presumably until death do us part. While that may not count as 'permanent', it's certainly forever enough for me. On a related note, something like half of all straight marriages end in divorce. So being straight is no guarantee of neverending love either, I would point out. At the moment it sounds like you are feeling some amount of depression or grief about your orientation and that in turn may be coloring your perceptions of what 'gay life' is like or how gay people feel. I'm sorry for that and hope that things will get better for you soon (*hug*) Personally, my gay life mainly consists of going to work, running errands, taking care of chores, and catering to my dogs every whim (really, they're not spoiled. Really). And always loving my partner of course. Not all that fabulous, but a comfortable and happy life that I've worked to make because it's the kind of life I want. So maybe the question to ask is: What kind of gay life do you want? And when you have the answer to that, set about making it happen. Best, Todd
Lookingforsome... I hear your frustration, but there are plenty of folks (me included) who haven't come out to ourselves until our 40s or later. Like Dragonbait said, many of us would love to turn back the clock and do it when we were 28. Be grateful you're coming out now, before marrying a woman and having kids. That's the reality for a lot of us and you can imagine how much more that complicates things. Another thing you'll learn on this forum is that permanent love between 2 men is a very real and beautiful thing. No one's saying it's easy to find, but true love is elusive for straight couples too. You're a young guy whose living the life you were meant to live and you should be very proud of that. Stay strong and best of luck to you.
Try a dating site. Put up some nice pictures of you, share your favourite qualities, talk about your interests and create a profile that really honestly reflects who you are. It's the first and best way people will discover things about you. Then, talk to everybody. Even the horny old guys who just want to meet you for "Coffee." They have years of stories to tell and lessons to share. Message anyone with an interest you share and just be polite. Always answer back and find ways to ask more questions. You'll quickly be able to tell who is excited to talk to you. Let good matches float to the surface and start planning dates that explore your interests. Ie, my boyfriend and I had our first date at the Royal Ontario Museum. We had lunch at a fancy bistro and spent the night watching our favourite movie at his house, in bed. It's that easy.
Be honest about what makes you happy. You don't have to hold back on your interest in collecting Cheetos bags because everyone on a dating site is in your position. Everyone is awkward and socially bewildered. Everyone thinks their honest interests won' help them. Everyone is convinced it won't work for them and everyone is sure they'll delete their account tomorrow. And yet, when that guy messages you to ask why you collect cheetos bags, and you tell him a funny joke, and you mention something on his profile, and end with a smile, and he responds, and you respond, and it goes on, til you're on a date doing something you're interested in and can talk about (like discussing the exhibit in the museum) and you wonder how you once felt so lonely.
thanks penguin for the inspiration. sometimeswe read so many problems on this site. it's nice to hear some happiness at times.
Hell, I included that I have moments where I get s. Excited by a science topic that people just stop listening to me. My boyfriend sought me out BECAUSE of that. Your flaws are just rough edges on the layers of your personality. Let people know you. Don't say 'I lack any confidence whatsoever.' Say you're shy and like to be approached first, because who doesn't. I just mean, give thought to presentation .
I love the thought that just being open and honest, even about your own quirkiness, is attractive! I know I'd be more interested in someone who could say honestly that he can be a slob sometimes, or has a meltdown when the store is out of his favorite flavor of Doritos, than in someone who claimed to be perfect. Success stories like that are what we all need to hear!
Lemme tell you - on a hook up app/site, there's little honestly about self, except perhaps the main reason for being there. On a dating site, while much of that is still there, there are guys more serious about dating. That said -- not sure where you live, but getting involved in lgbt/gay stuff is the way to go. I attend functions/support group at 3 lgbt centers in my area (yes, I'm lucky in that regard). I use meetup to go to lgbt/gay functions (there are FAR more than I could ever find the bandwidth for). And at this point, while I'm still on "those apps" -- its a fun way to communicate with men that I've met IRL at an event. (FB, too, if it had a geo location feature, I think we'd be using it more, too). Lets be blunt -- when you're hanging with a bunch of guys, its a goof to pull out (app) and see who there is on. You favorite each other, and then its easy to text/ communicate. The guys I'm dating -- none of them through an app. I've met them IRL and the dates followed. (your mileage may vary.)
