feeling like its wrong...

This is common.

I didn't have that, fortunately. From the time I was 21 I had a gay father in law, so my exposure to the gay community all those years helped me in my thinking.

Suggestion -- don't beat yourself, give yourself compassion. Hang out with other gay men. Tell your story -- again and again. Its good for the soul, really.

Watch this video -- some great insights --

Matthew J. Dempsey on "Shame & Vulnerability" - YouTube

 

I think it is because you were programmed from very young to think it is "bad"
so that even after applying adult logic, it still feels bad
"Internalised homophobia" perhaps - worth reading about!
It is powerful stuff and therapy can possibly assist if you think it is holding you back in life?
(*hug*)

 

Aloha, Justwondering

The Dempsey video is excellent. I would also suggest that you surround yourself with friends, neighbors and acquaintances that will be supportive, affirming, loving, and caring. Their positiveness will help buoy you through this time and help you to feel better about your life and yourself.

Come to E.C. frequently and tell us how you are feeling and what you are doing. We, the members of this site can also be a good source of affirmation and positive support.

And good luck to you.

Milan

 

I think most of us go through this. It's probably worse for some than others though. For me it just took some time. Eventually it went away. Like one of the above posters said, you can't beat yourself up about it.

 

Yes I feel the same. It makes me question my sexuality and makes my marriage even harder because I don't know if I am gay. When I masterbate all I do is think of guys and as soon as I'm done its disgusting and I want to be only with my wife and can't see being with a Guy and i feel (straight). But I know I'm not.

 

As I came to terms with my sexuality and began coming out to myself and more and more people, the biggest surprise for me, was my own internalised homophobia. Talking to friends (gay or straight), may be even a therapist helped loads for me. I think I was surprised because even when I was in the closet I thought of myself as an intelligent, educated, liberal minded person and even if wouldn't admit my own sexuality I would 'say' that homophobia was bad and morally repugnant. YET I had not admitted to myself how I actually hated and despised gay people - in other words how I hated and despised myself. This is very hard to accept and admit, but I had to just face it head on honestly and fully - however painful it was. Yes I felt dirty and bad. I felt shame. Even after facing all this, I still do often feel ashamed and have to constantly be honest with myself all over again (as in the Dempsey video). The work of Brene Brown on shame and vulnerability is also worth reading in relation to all of this. Also if you google Byron Katie and 'gay' - should find an excellent video clip where she helps a gay man admit to his internalised homophobia.
It is a long old journey and it is 'work' to face yourself, but it is better, much better than staying stuck.
But also don't beat yourself up. However dirty and guilty we feel, we have done nothing wrong. Society (even in these amazing and relatively enlightened days) still floods us with subtle and not so subtle cues that being gay (being different) is wrong. Anyone would find all these messages hard when we naturally don't match them. We all want to be loved. We all want to be accepted and fit in. What else can we feel but bad and wrong when through no fault of our own, we don't fit.
Keep visiting EC and seeking help and support, here and elsewhere. It will only get better..

 

Dude I am in the SME boat as u. Don't panic I tell myself every day not to slip up in front of my wife and kids. Its gonna be OK. I think the people on here are really there to help. If u need to talk please post on a thread of mine::eusa_clap

 

I struggle with these issues too. I'm seeing a therapist and that is helping me. Coming to EC helps too, just knowing there are others out there who are dealing with the same issues makes me feel less alone. At some point I might join a support group for LGBT but I'm not there yet.

 

I have tried to separate out two things:
I happen to find men attractive - thats naturally how I am - end of!
Some other men who also happen to find men attractive, also naturally act in a feminine, camp way (or however you want to describe it). Thats also ok.
Like i do not want people to judge me, I must strive not to judge them.
There as many types of homosexual people as there are heterosexual people.
We can not help labelling, catergorising, comparing. Again its what humans do - so lets not beat ourselves up about it.
Just let it all be...
PS I am of course rubbish at taking my own advice. Its a journey. Its a struggle. But by God its one worth sticking with..
xxx

 

Interesting discussion. When I first realized my attraction to males, I went through a brief period when I thought it was wrong, disgusting and dirty. Happily it did not last too long. As I can to terms with who I am, I became more relaxed with being a homosexual. My preferences in men at that time were more " conservative" type gay men. Over the past two and half years as I have grown as a gay man I realized that frankly I was more attracted to the more feminine or "stereotypical" gay man. I have gravitated to those males and find myself become more and more like "them". It is where I am most comfortable and certainly don't feel guilty, dirty or anything else. I think this just comes with time and acceptance of who you are really.

 

I think it is important to realize that we don't start out with prejudice. It is something learned and absorbed from society at large (and sometimes from those close to us). Being made to feel that there is something wrong with us for being attracted to the same sex is how society attempts to maintain the notion that same sex relationships and attractions are bad, distasteful, immoral and any other negative terms that you care to associate with it.

The truth is that we are people like anyone else with good qualities and some not so good qualities. But, those qualities have nothing to do with sexuality. If that were true, it would also have to be the same for heterosexuals. People want to make us feel bad about how we need to live our lives in order to discourage aligning our behaviors with who we really are. Many would be happy if we just stayed in the closet and didn't make waves. But, eventually what we learn is that suppression is hurtful and just shouldn't happen.

There is NOTHING inherently wrong about being attracted to people, caring about them, allowing yourself to be cared for and realizing the joys of intimacy. This is true for same sex and well as opposite sex relationships and we shouldn't think of them as any different.

In short:

Don't Listen To The Noise...