Hi, I'm new and feel like this is over sharing for my second post here but I came here to get support so I'm going all in. I'm a 33 year old mother of 4. I'm married to my high school sweetheart, we just had our 15th anniversary. And I'm pretty sure I'm a lesbian. There's a long history with me coming to realize this, as I'm sure most of you can relate to. He knows. I've told some friends (I'm a verbal processor so keeping it to myself was impossible.) We've started counseling, it's a mix of couples counseling and individual for me. The therapist is specialized in sexual identity and marital issues. He's been really fantastic. I've been more on the unsure side until last week. My counselor asked me if I had had crushes on my girlfriends. (I've never had a lesbian relationship or sexual experience.) I have. I could remember with great detail the feelings and moments I was crushing on my bff in high school, 17 years ago. He asked me if I ever felt like that toward a man....crickets. Never. I mean there was butterflies and excitement. But it wasn't as rich and dynamic as my (many) girl crushes. I really think I'm a lesbian. The more I identify as such, the happier I am. I have fought depression for a long, long time. The past few weeks I have not. I fight urges to self harm. The past few weeks, it hasn't crossed my mind. I really like this new feeling of freedom. The flip side is, of course, my life now doesn't match at all with what I'm discovering. I really don't know what to do with that. I'm working hard to take one day at a time.
Hi MaybeJory and welcome to EC! You are very fortunate to have found an excellent counsellor, not always the case as you may discover here. I found your post very articulate, this helps us tremendously to understand your situation. Yeah, I and many others here know your situation intimately. In time you will know what to do, and your being here will also give you some guidance, but especially the comfort of knowing that you are not alone. Best of luck!
Wow, your situation is very similar to mine. I'm also married with children. My husband knows and we're both in therapy (separately.) I've also never had a lesbian relationship/experience. For the longest time I tried to convince myself I was bi but as much as I want to I don't really feel it. Denial is so powerful...I'm curious, how did your husband take it when you told him? Mine was sad but he's always been supportive. He wants to stay married and I'm unsure. I know that some couples do make it work. Like you though I'm taking it one day at a time.
He actually got drunk one night and asked me. He said he's thought I was going to leave him for a woman often. I told him I thought I was bi when we were dating. We were already in love and he was safe. He wanted me to stay with him so I did. Then we got religious and I tried to bury that part of me. It just really can't be denied anymore. In the past 6 months or so, I've been reconsidering my sexual identity but not openly. I have a group of good friends we are scattered all over but talk online every day. They were the first ones I told. I was already in the midst of trying to figure it out when he asked me. I would like to stay married sometimes and other times I don't. We have a long history and a great family and are friends. But we have other issues, too. He will never be enough for me. Not emotionally, physically, sexually. But I'm scared of being single. I have no idea what we will do.
Welcome MaybeJory! You will find lots of support here. I haven't posted for a while. I am a few months away from being officially divorced from my husband. "I would like to stay married sometimes and other times I don't. ... But we have other issues, too. He will never be enough for me. Not emotionally, physically, sexually. But I'm scared of being single. I have no idea what we will do." That was me too. This is not an easy journey but worth it. There are couples who make the marriage work as best friends & raise their children. I thought really wanted that but it was more a fear of being alone. Like you my closest friends are scattered around the country. I do have days I really feel lonely. I also feel such a sense of freedom being able to be me. Not just about being gay- that was the beginning of learning to be happy being me.
"I would like to stay married sometimes and other times I don't. We have a long history and a great family and are friends. But we have other issues, too. He will never be enough for me. Not emotionally, physically, sexually. But I'm scared of being single. I have no idea what we will do." I feel exactly the same as you! Being in a long term marriage where you have built a life together, worked through many difficult times and have so much shared history is like being wrapped in a big comfort blanket. The idea of striking out alone is terrifying, you are a step ahead of me. I have not told my husband that I am strongly attracted to other women yet. I just can't find the right time to tell him. Like you, I buried that part of me for such a long time. The problem is, the longer you keep something like that repressed, the more damage you do to yourself. Can being single really be that bad if you have good friends and manage to keep a good relationship with your ex partner? Like others have said, one day at a time. You don't always have to take one mighty leap!
Wow, I felt so alone in this until today. Thank you all for sharing your stories with me. There are other issues. I've been a stay at home mom for 10 years. I didn't go to college. I have no marketable skills. I have decided to get a 2 year degree and hope to start in January. That will be good for me no matter what the future holds. Until recently, I really thought it would be impossible for me to leave, but now I know it's not true. We also moved to a small town last year. I don't have any close friends here. That's not true, I have one close friend. My husband's sister who is the conservative preacher's wife. I dont' expect that friendship to last at all if I'm single or out. I'm hoping to find some local friends now that I'm more aware of who I am. That will help, too. In all honesty, I really think we will end up divorced. I think it could be really good for both of our lives. But the journey there scares me. It makes him sad and he doesn't talk about it much. I'm not ready to tell him that I've realized I'm gay. He knows I'm trying to figure that out. I'm not 100% sure and his next question will be "what next" and I am not ready for that conversation. My plan for right now is to get into school and talk more to my counselor. Once I have a firm decision, I'll plan on telling him with the counselor. I guess we'll make decisions from there. I don't know what they'll be, though.
We went to counseling last night. Then we talked for several more hours. I told him that I think I'm gay. I've decided to "wear" it for a few weeks. I'm going to internally identify as a lesbian to see how it fits with me. I wish it didn't but it seems like the missing piece of myself. We talked about our future. We talked about the possibility of divorce and what we'd want that to look like. I told him I was so sorry about what this was doing to him. It was a hard but good conversation. I feel drained and sad and relieved. And as cliche as it is, I wish this was a phase. He points out that it's not. As much as I try to talk myself out of it, he's arguing the other side. I think he's just trying to be realistic. It's so incredibly hard to be so sad and so fulfilled by the same discovery.
