:help: I'm married to a wonderful man and we've been married for 6 years. We have a very strong bond and an amazing friendship. I am gay and I am terrified. There is the part of me that wants to start life anew and live as a lesbian and just be proud of who I am - and then there is the part of me that just wants it to all go away and find a way to make my marriage work because I truly love this man. I don't understand how I can love a man at all - I am not straight and I am pretty damn sure I'm not bisexual. My therapist says things are just more fluid than we like to think. My husband knows about all this and we talk about it often. He is calmer about it - very supportive and wants me to do what's best for me. That's great and I feel blessed, but it also angers me and makes me feel unwanted. I know that's just ridiculous, but it's how I feel. Can't win there. But the bigger problem is I feel lost, completely lost. I have always identified with Alice from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland - my fav book since I was a child. I feel I'm in this place where nothing makes any sense and I'm so very frustrated. Last week I felt suicidal and after a routine doctor appointment, my physician sent me to the ER where I was admitted to psych for respite. I was there 5 days and went back and forth between feeling hopeful about having a new life - and guilty and depressed and wanting to "fix" things. My husband is open to the idea of separation, being roommates (which is pretty much what we've been for a long while anyway) but doesn't want to try "working it out" until I've looked deeper into myself, gotten more counseling in the matter and sought more LGBT resources. And an open marriage is out of the question as I'm very much against the idea of open relationships personally for me. I am only interested in LOVE - ONE true love and I could go the rest of my life without sex rather easily (I know, I'm a rare one). I only wish my husband could too, but I would never ask that of him. I want him to be happy too. I don't want to dive back into my marriage only to have this come up again - it always does eventually (probably because it's WHO I AM lol...) but at the same time, the very thought of leaving him makes me feel as if I'm dying inside. Even just being friends - although it seems it would work great as that's how we've been living - but making it official? Terrifying! He is used to all my quirks and oddities as I am quite unusual and apparently my views are not very popular (at least in my current city, it seems). I don't drink, I hate drugs (pot too), I listen to hardcore rap music, classical music, techno and country and it all just freaks people out. And then there is the fact that I am mentally ill - PTSD, Severe depression, OCD, the list goes on. I don't have a job. I am just beginning to learn how to be independent. Let's just say if I end up single - chances are I'm staying that way, and not by choice. And it's hard enough for straight people to find someone... but for us, it's more like "plenty of fish in the lake" rather than sea. I'm financially and emotionally limited. (that was all very embarrassing to admit, but it factors into the stress here...) While in the hospital, I decided I was to go to school. At 33, I have never attended any school after High School and am now looking into pursuing an Associates in Radiography or Nursing. So one GOOD thing has come out of this mess. This is a really long post and I apologize for that. I am just stuck and going in and out of suicidal ideation. I can't bear the thought of change. I just can't It's killing me. But I don't want to stay in this marriage only to end it years down the road for this very same reason either. I don't even know what I'm asking of anyone. I guess I just needed to vent. I apologize if I sound selfish or what have you. I'm really just frightened more than I've ever been. Thanks for reading.
Welcome Aetheral! You do NOT sound selfish. Thanks for sharing your story. I'm 46 and in Spring started EMDR therapy for PTSD. It's made a huge difference in helping w/depression, anxiety attacks & annoying OCD thinking. You can google EMDR certified therapists in your area. Many psychotherapists are adding it to their practices because it is easy & effective. There is always hope. Believe that,please. EC helped me alot. Just reading other posts in all areas of this site helped me see how many of us there are on this journey. It will be ok. Sometimes its 1 minute at a time. Hugs Rose
Thanks, Rose.... one minute at a time sounds right! My thoughts and attitude about everything has been changing that fast lately - so I guess I really need to pace myself. I have heard good things about EMDR and will definitely look into that more. I hate the stigma that goes along with mental illness. People will be like "as long as you're not crazy..." then they will want to get to know you and then I'm like "well then I guess I don't want to know you!" because they honestly think they are better people because they haven't been through a lot and are masters at coping skills? How frustrating. Arrogance and ignorance is everywhere and yet it still astounds me every time I encounter it. I just like to think people aren't so judgmental and yet... WOW I ramble a lot. Yeah... EMDR. I'm on it.
OAethereal, Much of your story is very familiar. I am in the process of divorcing my husband of 10 years - who is my best friend. I have gone through a lot of the emotions you described. The vacillating between wanting the new life- and being pulled also by the old. In the end, I had to really look at what it would feel like both to stay and to move on. For me, I knew I would be miserable inside if I stayed. Even though my husband is great. Still, in the end, I am being kind by setting him free. This has been spiraling, no boomeranging back to me for years, and I know it will keep coming back- because as you said, it's WHO I AM. It is a scary leap to make. But I do believe that when you take a step toward truth and do the thing your heart knows is truly right for you, that the universe will step in and lift you higher. Sounds like the communication between you and your husband is very open which helps so much. Hang in there. There are people here who get it and are happy to "listen".
"It is a scary leap to make. But I do believe that when you take a step toward truth and do the thing your heart knows is truly right for you, that the universe will step in and lift you higher" - Like this OneSpirit!
