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realizing i might not be bi

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by lostyrs77, Sep 17, 2013.

  1. lostyrs77

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    I have always considered myself bi. But the more I think about. I have been married 15 years. I think if I was truly bi then this would not be so hard to be happy in my marriage to the women I love. Why would I be here on ec? I should just be able to be happy and comfortable in my family life if I'm bi. So I believe I might be gay.
     
  2. Rose27

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    Welcome lostyrs77!
     
  3. biAnnika

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    Hi lost, and welcome to EC,

    I'm not sure I understand the train of thought here. You assume that if you were bisexual, you *wouldn't* be on an LGBT site and *would* be happy in a monogamous straight relationship? Or am I misinterpreting?

    Does your spouse know you are bisexual? If not, then your closeted status there is plenty to bring you to EC. It hurts to hide our inner natures from our loved ones.

    And are you having somewhat regular sex with both sexes? If not, then it makes perfect sense to me that you could be dissatisfied in your current relationship. I'm not saying that *every* bisexual needs sex with both sexes...at all times...but it's certainly common. It's not just that we're a "meh, anything's fine" kind of sexuality. When we're long away from something we crave, we start devaluing what we do have and valuing what we lack all the more.
     
  4. lostyrs77

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    hello. No I have not been with a Guy in a long time and no sex in months with my wife. . . My wife knows about stuff I have done in past. But today she saw I was taping a show with James Franco in it and said I thought you were over that. She said that cause she knew i liked him. I felt like telling her then but didn't. I said yea I am over it. I was not aware she thoughy it went away and she thought and even said she thought i was cured. I do see how I write confusing sorry. I think its because that's how confused I am and the constant battle in my head.
     
  5. biAnnika

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    "Over it"? "Cured"??

    Wait a sec. This is not a phase and this is *not* a disease. This is your innate sexuality we're talking about! She needs to realize this or she'll never be able to move forward.

    It's less clear how you feel about it, but it definitely sounds like there is some level of deception with her (although I can understand how it would feel that she would never be accepting).

    My standard advice fits your case perfectly: start with a therapist who specializes in LGBT issues; with any luck, they'll take married couples as well, because if you may well want/need counseling for the two of you eventually. Certainly make sure that any marriage counselor you see specializes in LGBT issues!

    But don't accept that "cured" crap from anybody...there's nothing wrong with you!
     
  6. Tightrope

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    You married young, at around 20, if you've been married for 15 years. I don't know what to say. Are you skipping sex with your wife because you don't enjoy it or because you feel you're not emotionally invested and don't want to be intimate with her? What does she think about the relative absence of sex in your marriage?
     
  7. lostyrs77

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    Both blame on kids being home. They are 15 & 11. Also that we work late. I go in at 12 midnight and she goes in at 1am. She gets home around 7 and I get home around 9. This is 7 days a week for both of us. . There's never any fighting about it. We honestly never really fight.
     
  8. BiDad3

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    I completely agree with BiAnnika. If you are truly bisexual you will need the homosexual side of yourself to "see the light" or it will become all consuming. If you are bisexual and leave your wife to only be with a guy, you may find the reverse happening.

    I find that bisexual people are always told that they can be happy with either gender so they should "choose one and shut up", but that is the whole point: we are attracted to both AT ALL TIMES and if we are unfulfilled one area we feel incomplete. It's not one or the other, we need both.

    Having said that, you won't know if you're gay or bi until YOU spend sometime honestly evaluating what YOU need. A therapist is key during this period.

    Good luck.
     
  9. bipossible

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    I am with BiAnnika and BiDad3. Sexuality is not a static point on some scale. It is a fluid, shifting, and evolving thing (and no I am not saying sexuality is a choice, I am just saying it is not an end point, but a process over time). You are not the same person you were 15 years ago when you married. You had different needs, priorities, and desires than you do now. Every cell in our body is replaced every 7 years so you are literally not the same person. As a self-identified bi-male (although I now prefer fluid), I too fell under the delusional idea that I could simply pick and stick — ha, ha, ha! It has been my experience that the desire to which I have been paying the least amount of attention is the one that seems to eventually rear up and demand to be heard. I have been married now nearly 30 years and during that time the physical component of my relationship with my spouse has had many ups and downs, some for extended periods of time, but we both realize that our relationship is about more than just sex. Right now we are in the process of entering a new phase of our relationship which will more than likely have us going our separate ways for a while. Will we circle back round again? I don't know, and I don't put a whole lot of energy worry about it. All we really have to work with is the present — everything else is mental fabrications. So I would invite you to not worry too much about where you are at on the Kinsey scale and spend a little more energy figuring our where you are at in the present moment and what is calling for attention and your presence.

    Wishing you clarity.
     
  10. bassmaster

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    "The constant battle in my head" oh how I know that feeling. If only I could have an out of body experience (literally) for a day I might have some peace. I have struggled with the same dilemma. The problem for me tends to be the fear of the unknown I suppose. What if I was wrong. It's not like we can go experiment for a time then come back if it wasn't what we thought. We can only make decisions with the information we have at the time. For me I can second guess all day and I know damn well deep down I'm gay!!!

    As for "over it" and "cured" I feel that is denial on their part. Mine thought I was cured a month after I told her. I think if they accept the reality that we are then they know their life is most like gonna change.
     
  11. bassmaster

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    "The constant battle in my head" oh how I know that feeling. If only I could have an out of body experience (literally) for a day I might have some peace. I have struggled with the same dilemma. The problem for me tends to be the fear of the unknown I suppose. What if I was wrong. It's not like we can go experiment for a time then come back if it wasn't what we thought. We can only make decisions with the information we have at the time. For me I can second guess all day and I know damn well deep down I'm gay!!!

    As for "over it" and "cured" I feel that is denial on their part. Mine thought I was cured a month after I told her. I think if they accept the reality that we are then they know their life is most like gonna change.
     
  12. hitgirl

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    I disagree with the comments about bisexuals needing both genders at the same time. That implies that bisexual people can't have a lasting, monogamous relationship and frankly it really pisses me off to see bisexual people putting that opinion across themselves - it is bad enough to hear it from straight people. Maybe you desire both, but maybe straight married men desire other women, it doesn't mean they *need* it. Being monogamous isn't about "picking a side" it's about falling in love with one person and committing to them. If you're bisexual, that person could be male or female.

    On the other side, lostyrs, your wife seems to think that you're not bi any more just because you've married her. Maybe you need to have a frank conversation with her about what bi means. Also, you could be gay, but if you used to find your wife sexually appealing then maybe your marriage is in a rut.