1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

There's no questioning anymore

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by MaybeJory, Sep 20, 2013.

  1. MaybeJory

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2013
    Messages:
    84
    Likes Received:
    0
    I'm a lesbian. I'm not curious, I don't think I might be. I am. It feels right and powerful and refreshing to own it.

    I'm a fucking basket case right now because of what that means for my life, my husband and my family. But even all that doesn't outweigh that this is right.

    I called my counselor. He was happy for me, said I had a breakthrough and that I'll be okay.

    Now to tell my poor husband.

    ---------- Post added 20th Sep 2013 at 02:06 PM ----------

    I forgot. He also said that this isn't my fault. I was born like this. I can't deny it no matter how much I try. (And he knows I've tried.) He reminded me that I'm not choosing to hurt people. I'm honoring myself and that is a good thing.

    I will try to cling to that as things progress.
     
  2. Parsley

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2013
    Messages:
    227
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Congratulations on coming out to yourself. In my experience, that was the hardest part.

    Now moving forward you get to be your true self. You'll be okay. And if you ever have a not okay moment or two or three just come by EC and someone will have been where you are before and can give you advice or support.

    Congratulations on getting this far. This is a big step. :slight_smile:
     
  3. bigeagle

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2013
    Messages:
    150
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    UK
    Maybe jory.... I'm married and have a young baby. Have just come out to wife, been to therapy once and gonna tell a mate tomorrow. This is the toughest week of my life! Be good to chat more?
     
  4. MaybeJory

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2013
    Messages:
    84
    Likes Received:
    0
    This is so very hard. I told a friend. Then my counselor. My husband is next. I'm so nervous. He knows. We've been very honest about this whole process. But I don't want to make it final. I don't want to break his heart.
     
  5. flatlander48

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2013
    Messages:
    312
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Cathedral City, CA
    The truth is always under there somewhere. For some of us it just takes longer for it to surface. Unfortunately in many cases, other people are involved. That's sad, but for us, you cannot unring a bell. Once we have the realization, the only real choice is forward.
     
  6. MaybeJory

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2013
    Messages:
    84
    Likes Received:
    0
    There was not enough alcohol in the world for that conversation. I cried, sobbed, actually. He sat there stoic. I just cut off all his hope and took any reason for him to support me or care for me. I feel so alone. I don't know who I am with out him. I wish this was a choice, I wouldn't choose it. But it's not. And you're right, flatlander, there is only forward.
     
  7. flatlander48

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2013
    Messages:
    312
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Cathedral City, CA
    As my grandmother used to say:

    "Trouble doesn't last always...".

    This is survivable; it really is. However, that does not mean that it will be without pain. We are given the ability to think, reason and understand. Sometimes we forget, but we do have these tools to use.

    And something else that has always resonated with me:

    “When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.”

    Audre Lorde
     
  8. Argentwing

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2012
    Messages:
    6,696
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    New England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Your husband is a great guy for dealing with it as he has. He understands that you two shouldn't be together, and loves you enough to let you go.

    And likewise you are a great girl for knowing to call it quits rather than drag your marriage along like an anchor. It would hurt much more to stay together for each other's sake than to really let each other be happy. Blessings to both of you <3
     
  9. bigeagle

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2013
    Messages:
    150
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    UK
    For a few days after telling my wife, I think she was in shock and denial. A week later, she knows I'm suffering and is now being supportive. This is such a tough time (for us both) but I have a glimmer of hope that through the darkness lies a shining light. For those of us brave enough to face our greatest fears, we shall be rewarded with peace within.
     
  10. oddlife35

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 22, 2013
    Messages:
    79
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    MaybeJory and bigeagle, you guys have a lot of courage. I'm still single and I don't know if could have taken those steps, but I imagine if I didn't then my life and those around me would have been miserable. To stay in or come out of the closet are both tough, but I believe that staying in something of you dies and in fact your heart dies in all of the lies even suffocating those around you, but coming out I think even if it's a struggle somehow you can come up for air. My ass is kicked because of what you guys have been able to do and I have not. You help me to put my outting into gear.
     
  11. MaybeJory

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2013
    Messages:
    84
    Likes Received:
    0
    oddlife, you can't compare your journey to anyone else's. You are in your own life and it is unique to anyone else. If our stories encourage you and bring you hope, then that is awesome. If you are feeling badly then it's time to drop the comparison.

    I am reading the kind responses over and over. They give me strength. I know this is right for *me* but my life is bigger than me and that's a lot of pressure. So much I almost caved and decided to continue on ignoring who I am so I can keep living like I do.

    The thing is, my life before now has sucked. My marriage has always been strained. Now I know why, of course, we are fundamentally incompatible. My husband deserves a partner who finds him attractive and desirable. I deserve to have my emotional and sexual needs met. I have resented him always. I thought it was for all sorts of things but now I know that I equate being married to him to being unhappy and unfulfilled. That's not fair. He has worked hard to fix something out of his control. If we stayed together, as husband and wife, I will always resent him, he will never trust me. We would not be able to stay friends.

    I'm not sure what we'll do. Me leaving isn't an option right now. He doesn't want to live platonicly. Then there's the kids. We are just trying to take it one day at a time.

    It's been tense and difficult but we have talked and worked together a bit today. I'm hoping that trend continues.
     
  12. MaybeJory

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2013
    Messages:
    84
    Likes Received:
    0
    I called my best friend and came out to her. She loves me, supports me and is proud of me for not denying myself anymore. Too bad she lives so far away. I could really use a safe place right now to retreat to for a few hours.
     
  13. Hello, I'm new here. Hoping to learn a few things and find the courage many of you have. Maybejory, congratulations. I can only imagine how hard it is as I haven't come out, am married with kids. You are so brave.
     
  14. HopeFloats

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2013
    Messages:
    343
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    US
    How old are your children? Why isn't leaving an option right now? I'm confused as to what the other option is if leaving and living platonically (for now) together aren't options.

    At any rate, I am divorced and have sole custody of my almost 3 year old. We divorced for other reasons but I realize now it never would have worked because of my sexuality. Coming out to myself and to others (which is still ongoing) has been such a freeing process for me. I feel so much more authentic and happy. I wish you the best.
     
  15. MaybeJory

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2013
    Messages:
    84
    Likes Received:
    0
    I have no job and no marketable skills. I'm planning on going to school in Jan. I applied for a job today and will be applying all over on Monday. He doesn't make enough money to support two house holds. He's not going to kick me out. I"m hoping we can live as roommates at least a few more months while I figure things out. I'm not sure he is up for that though.

    Our kids are 12, 9, 8 and almost 4. Two of them have autism and anxiety disorder. We can not cause them indefinite and unnecessary stress. They can not handle knowing that there is change and not knowing what it will be exactly. This will almost certainly cause a lot of regression in their development. We are just trying to focus on being normal and parenting right now.

    We want to separate as friends and have shared custody. I don't see how any of that could even start until at least the first of the year.

    You are right, Hopefloats, there is no other option. I guess I just hate the finality of knowing we can't stay together.
     
  16. MaybeJory

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2013
    Messages:
    84
    Likes Received:
    0
    I figured out the other option. It's to stay married and try to be happy. Try to be all of me and to be his wife. I'm not sure it's a good option but the thing is, I don't know what I'm missing. It's safe and comfortable here. Maybe I can be a lesbian in a heterosexual monogamous relationship. I've done it for this long. Maybe I can keep doing that.
     
  17. DesertTortoise

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2013
    Messages:
    406
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Philadelphia, since 1964.
    Your courage... and of so many others here on EC... is humbling and inspiring. I think, especially of those who have been, or are still, married, and with children. How confused we become, living in this world that doesn't want to admit we exist.

    Hugs!
     
  18. solaris999

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2013
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    That is actually a possibility. However, you should involve your husband in learning how to do that.
     
  19. bigeagle

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2013
    Messages:
    150
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    UK
    Maybe jory.... My wife is amazing and I do love her...BUT, the message I'm getting from my heart is that I have lied to myself. I am trying to accept that I've supressed feeling for a very long time but the process is very painful. Like you, if I could, I would stay married and look after my young baby. The reality is, maybe space and time is needed to figure this out. Hope this helps, please comment.
     
  20. Rose27

    Rose27 Guest

    "I'm not sure what we'll do. Me leaving isn't an option right now. He doesn't want to live platonicly. Then there's the kids. We are just trying to take it one day at a time."

    This was me in January after I told my husband I was gay. He told me he Did not want a roommate. I did not want to lose him altogether and hurt our son. I tried to ease his pain by saying maybe I was bisexual-That he was the exception to me being gay.I really wanted to believe it too. Pretty sure there are strait wives who do not try as hard as I did.
    This tore my heart up because it was another lie. It eroded our friendship to a point we barely speak unless its about our son. Even though our son never saw us argue I know he could feel the tension as much as we tried to hide it.
    You are very brave. (*hug*)