My coming out roller coaster is stuck in a valley. Until recently I've been feeling more and more confident about coming out to my wife and kids, but now I'm seriously doubting if it's worth it. My wife and I love each other, take care of each other and help each other navigate life's challenges. If I throw it all away, I feel I could be headed for a life of desperation, loneliness and uncertainty. Some recent posts here about the challenges of the gay dating world really shook me up. Let's face it, the odds of me finding a stable long term relationship with a great guy look pretty slim. I'm in my 40s in a gay culture that values youth. I get it. I'd rather be with a guy in his 20s or 30s than someone my own age, let alone older. I think I'm decent looking and in good physical shape, but I'd be coming with a lot of baggage. I'd be newly out, probably freshly divorced and struggling to discover myself and build my self esteem. Much of my free time will be devoted to my kids. If my wife and I are living in separate homes, finances are going to be tight. So I'll have very limited time and money to devote to a new relationship. On top of that, I live in a smallish town of about 60,000 (a third of which are college students). Take out the straight population, gay men who are in the closet, gay men who only want to hook up, gay men already in relationships, and gay men who don't want to be with a middle aged guy… and the pool of potential mates is miniscule. I've checked out the dating sites and there are only about 3 guys in my area who look like they'd be worth contacting. There are no support groups for gay dads like you find in the cities. There are no gay bars. There's a small gay center, but their activities are mostly geared toward seniors and teens. The nearest big cities are 3 and 4 hours away. Moving isn't an option because I need to be near my kids. So when I look at the cost/benefit of coming out, the costs are huge and the benefits are a big question mark. Any thoughts on all of this are much appreciated.
The grim picture you've painted is unfortunate. I guess it all comes down to whether your own heart can bear any more repression. The positive thing I've found since coming out is that there's more to the gay world than what you may initially perceive. Once you come out, you learn that lots more gay people are in your community than you'd thought. Many may be apprehensive about getting on a dating site. It's really a word-of-mouth sort of thing. You end up at small parties and gatherings where fresh faces abound. Before you know it, your Facebook friend count starts growing! I remember debating whether or not to "hide" my friend list because it was becoming populated with a bunch of obviously gay men. (I since realized that that was a ridiculous concern.) All I can say is that you gain more perspective once you're out of the closet. You know your situation better than any of us, but if I were you, I think I'd still take my chances.
Spaceman: your comments resonate... I have some of the same thoughts and fears as you around the "hopelessness" of dating and meeting someone; however, I don't want to give in and give up. Even though my steps may be tiny, I keep trying to put one foot in front of the other and continue moving forward. Some days it's really hard to keep a positive attitude, but I KNOW (are you listening, Universe?) that there is a guy out there who's waiting to meet me (he just doesn't know it yet). :icon_wink The loneliness can be very tough, but I am so glad that I finally extricated myself from the closet. Being able to lead a more authentic life—even when the journey is lonely—is so much better for me than hiding in the closet was. Fear, doubt, and uncertainty are all powerful things, but your own happiness is important too. The closet keeps us repressed and prevents us from pursuing our true happiness. You may be stuck in the valley of the roller coaster, but at least you are still on the ride. Keep going...
Firstly if you are gay now then what will change in 10 years, secondly if you come out to your wife as gay do you think you will lose that friendship. What you read with those who say how tough it is to find someone in the dating world you are reading from those who haven't found someone just yet, those that are seeing someone then aren't going to post there too busy doing stuff with their new love interest. Another part you are in good shape; what happens in 10 years time, you might not look as good so it is just harder. What you are seeing on those dating apps are those that are available now, you aren't seeing what is available in 1, 2 or 5 years time, I look at a couple of different apps and new guys come up every few weeks, and a few you haven't seen for a month or more might come back. Now thinking it from your wifes perspective aren't you better to tell her now and let her make the decision with you, if you were in her position wouldn't you want to be told.
Just about dating -- the online sites and apps are only a START! Some guys who look appear great online -- are just awful in person. Other guys you think are barely "good" are exciting, interesting, smart, funny.... whatever! My dating life has truly taken off based on really becoming part of the gay community, the guys I'm dating are all ones I've met at a LGBT event, gay bar, friend of friend, etc. (yes, I still use the, umm, hook up apps -- reality is, many of those guys are on there -- it becomes an easy way to communicate). That said -- I recently updated my online (not app) profile with a professionally taken picture. What a difference that's made! Around here, its not expensive to have a local photographer take a bunch of digitals -- worth every penny.
What was the cost. What reason did you give to the photographer, as I really should update my linkedIn photo and if a good one came out of a professional taking a photo I could use it for another popular social network program or any other app of your choosing. Seeing a photo is only part of the deal.
I'd echo the comments already made. You're better off coming out likely because you're already feeling uncomfortable in your own skin and in your relationship. That's only going to get worse. You won't come out to get into a relationship with someone. You come out so that you can be honest and authentic in your relationships with everyone. The relationship you have with your wife doesn't have to end. You can remain good friends. I have managed to do that with my wife - and I put her through the ringer. I came out in my mid 30s and almost immediately met someone who was perfect for me. That isn't likely to happen to many people - I'm very fortunate. But it did happen, and I firmly believe that it can happen to anyone.
you hit the nail on the head. you're a realist. so i am going to real too. you want a long term committed relationship with a guy and you have accurately portrayed the issues above. so basically if you come out, know that the odds are against you in terms of meeting mr. right and you'll mostly likely meet mr. hookup or mr. canihavesomemoney. as long as you are comfortable and mentally ready for the bull, then sure, come out and get into the mix. you even said yourself that you woudl rather date someone in their 20s or 30s, versus your own age or older. so you're an agists already, you'll fit in perfectedly. the only thing is the same view you have it what most of the guys have. you may meet some 20 or 30 somethings that want older. many do due to daddy issues. so you may luck up. dating is hard in general. gay dating when you want something meaningful is next to impossible.
Thanks for your replies. I know that meaningful long term gay relationships are possible and it's great to hear from people here who have been lucky enough to find them. I also know there are no guarantees of finding that special someone. Hell, that's true for straight couples too. We all know straight people who are divorced or stuck in stale, loveless marriages. I should clarify something about the age issue. Since I've never had a gay encounter, if I do come out, it would be like being an adolescent discovering sex for the first time. I feel like I'd want a period of experimentation that would include younger guys. But when it comes to a long term relationship, I have no problem being with someone my age or even older. I do feel if I stay in the closet, the day will come when I can't do it anymore and I'll be that much older than I am today and have kept my wife in the dark for that much longer. There are no easy answers. I'm curious if there's anyone here who came out to their wife and later regretted it. Seems like most folks have been happy with their decision despite the turmoil and potential lonliness that could result.
