I'm guessing that many here are familiar, or have heard of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' "Stages of Grief" model. Well, my wife and I have finally agreed to work with a psycho-therapist who is doing "de-coupling" therapy with us. I have indicated that I'm moving on in March, but between now and that time, I wanted us to construct a new basis for our relationship that would keep us in a supportive and life-long friendship. Work with that new therapist is now heading into it's third week and it's really hard work. I realized that what I'm bearing witness to is my wife's first and perhaps second stages of grief from the Kubler-Ross model, which is also in the E.C. Resources list. While it is gut-wrenching to see her move through all of this pain, anger, fear and confusion, I know that what I'm doing will save my life. While she's more than willing to accept living with "half-a-husband" that is mostly for convenience and not having to face the world knowing that her husband is gay, which is one of her big fears. My bearing witness to her pain and sitting next to her without "fixing" her when she's in such a difficult place emotionally, it the price I pay for my not being ready to take these steps at a much earlier stage of life. But, I keep telling myself, EVERYONE heals. It is a natural part of our biological self. While she cannot see herself healing from this now, I have to trust that it will happen....for both her and for myself. Our future may not be together, as a couple, but there can still be some type of healthy relationship....if only we can get through the next few months. So for now....I must trust in the power of healing.
No question what you're doing is really difficult for both of you, but you're right that it is better for both of you as well. She will have the opportunity -- if she makes use of it -- to find someone who can love her in a way you never were able to, and to do some healing of her own. And since both of you are going to therapy, hopefully you will both have the opportunity to continue the friendship that brought you together in the first place. The anger and bargaining stages are always the hardest... and the stages are not completely linear so people can go back and forth between them... but it sounds like she's working through it, and that's what's important. I wish you the best!
