Youngin' needs advice from the wiser council.

I have a wonderful daughter from my marriage to my exhusband. But I wish I would've known when I was 23 that there are lesbian couples who marry and start families of their own. I now know many gay and lesbian couples who started families via adoption or fertility treatment. And it's not a big deal where we live. It's so inspiring. My church baptizes these kids along with all the kids of straight couples. Not a big deal.

So, I am much happier now that I am not trying to be someone I'm not. Now that I don't have to pretend or force an attraction to men. Or a particular man. I regret those lost years when I tried and tried to be someone else to satisfy expectations. But I love my daughter so much that I would never change my particular path.

 

There are some things I would've done differently, yeah. I would've spent a lot more time with my grandma before she died. I would've fought back when I was bullied. And, I probably would've pursued relationships with other women.

All that said, do I regret where life has taken me: husband and kids? No. Absolutely not. Everything, every experience, even every mistake I've made along the way (NOT that I consider my family a mistake) has made me who I am. Life is a journey rather than a destination, and I'm glad I've made that journey.

But, of course, that's just me.

My main thought is that a long-term satisfying relationship can't be forced; in other words, it has to happen naturally and not just because you really want to be "straight", be married, have kids, etc. Could there be a Mr Right out there for you? Possibly. But it sounds like Ms. Right is far more likely. I don't know, this is a question only you can answer for yourself. TBH, at 23, I wish I slowed down a whole lot more and focused on getting to know *me* outside the context of a relationship. Believe me, you have lots of time to make life-long decisions. Keep yourself open to possibility and see where it leads you.

 

I'm not out yet, but there are events in my life I'd like to change but w/o those events I wouldn't have my daughter so no I wouldn't change them. That being said if I could be transported back to being 14 and knowing what I know now with the exception being having absolutely no recollection of my daughter or anything that would give me a financial advantage (basicallly 14 but with the wisdom and life experience of someone in their mid 30's) Hell yea I'd change things. I was never popular in H.S. and was often bullied so why the hell not 'come out'. Yea, it would have gave the bullies a bit more ammo but looking back they already had plenty. The flip side of that coin is I would be less worried about my parents reaction. At 14 most parents assume you are 'straight' but to be honest at 14 most people are just beginning to discover their sexuality.

---------- Post added 25th Sep 2013 at 06:31 AM ----------

Again mine would be gay and I think my parents would have an easier time dealing with it then instead of now because now I haven't been 14 for almost 19 years and have piled up several college girlfriends, an ex-wife, and my baby's momma as evidence against me being straight.

If any memory of my daughter is in the equasion then 'HELL NO' . Take that away and why not.

 

Hi GreyArea,

I am 30, gay, and married to a wonderful woman with whom I have been in a relationship for 10 years. She found out I am gay just four months ago and was devastated by my admission that I have known I am gay since I was about 13 years old. She feels that I betrayed her trust (I did) and though she loves me sincerely, she is very sad that I will never love her in the way she thought I loved her (the way she loves me).

My biggest regret is that I have put her in this awful position by deceiving her. But I love my wife in lots of important ways. My advice to you would be that you tell your partner, male or female, the truth about your feelings about both men and women. Maybe not at the outset of a new relationship, but not too far into it either. It's one thing to torment yourself with your conflicting feelings, but it is quite another to mess with another person's feelings through deception just to make yourself feel more secure.

Good luck!

 

Hi link4816... Can I ask what your future plans are? Do you plan to stay with your wife? Do you fulfill your gay needs? Thanks.

 

If I could go back and really know everything I know now. If I would be free from the emotional baggage that I have learned to let go of as adult and be happy and balanced and confident. Hell yes. I'd have come out in high school and not looked back.

 

Might you eventually find a guy that you fall truly in love with - physically as well as emotionally? Sure, it's possible. But I guess my question would be "what will you do in the meantime?" Put a damper or hold on your same-sex attractions? The ones you're feeling NOW, and presumably have been for some time? Skip over the women you could date and/or sleep with and/or get into great relationships with, because hey, maybe something's better over the horizon someday?

Sad fact - there IS no "one". There isn't some guy (or girl) walking around with a neon sign over their head saying "THIS IS THE ONE FOR YOU!" You find out by talking to them, getting to know them, and seeing how you "click". And even then, you have to decide to take the plunge or not.

It sounds like you have the answers you need already, and you just need somebody (or several somebodys) to confirm them for you. If that's the case, consider that answer confirmed by me.

Lex

 

Hi GreyArea,

You're lucky to be asking these questions now and having a chance to explore your orientation before you jump into marriage with a man. If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, I would make different choices. My kids mean the world to me, but now I'm faced with the possibility of blowing up their "perfect" family life if I come out. It's a situation you don't want to find yourself in years down the line.

You're coming of age at time when its much more accepted to be gay. I think that's part of the reason I find myself pushing on the closet door. Take your time to learn who you are and who you want to love so you can live the life that you were meant to live.