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Just friends or more?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Northern guy, Sep 25, 2013.

  1. Northern guy

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    Hi guys, I posted elsewhere about this difficult situation, but it's not resolved so forgive me if you've heard this before......

    A few months ago I met a really nice guy (via a UK gay social networking site) who lives very near me. We get on really well, we spend time together for days out or just meeting for a coffee, we email each other every day, we hug and kiss when we meet and leave each other, Dave has been so kind to me - I would have spent my birthday alone had he not taken me out for a meal and a walk at a local beauty spot. It's really nice to have found a friend I'm 54, my partner of 17 years died 18 months since, and its been a difficult and lonely time for me since his terminal diagnosis in 2010.

    So, I really need a friend like Dave, and I don't want lose his friendship. The problem is, I would like to take things further with him, and before than just friends. I'm not sure that he wants that - I've tried hinting, saying how much I miss him, and value his friendship, but its difficult to know how to ask outright if he's interested in more than friendship. I am really scared of frightening him off.

    He introduced me to his friends - a gay couple, as well. I wonder if I was been scrutinised? I wasn't given the elbow so I must have seemed ok!

    I would like to ask him face to face but I don't quite know how, and I don't want to embarrass him, but also I wonder if this is the kind of thing that should be emailed?

    I am in quite a quandary - at my age you'd think I'd know better!

    Any advice would be appreciated, many thanks, Paul
     
  2. Yossarian

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    "Dave, I really like you. I like you a lot, and would be delighted if you would be interested in taking our relationship further than "just friends", but I don't want to make you uncomfortable if you don't feel that way about me. I value your friendship so much that I have found it hard to express the depth of my feelings for you, for fear of pressuring you to do something you might not be ready to do, but I don't want to lose this opportunity to express my love for you if the feeling is mutual. I would like for you to think about what I am saying, and whatever your decision, I want to always be your friend, no matter whether you want to keep things as they are or let our relationship grow. Your friend, Paul."
     
  3. greatwhale

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    Couldn't have said it better!

    Here is where you will need to be vulnerable, it is not comfortable, it exposes you to the possibility of losing a valued friend, but there is no choice: he needs to know (and maybe he wants to know...is he really that oblivious to the possibility?)
     
  4. Lexington

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    Yoss used some different terminology than I would've, but the idea would've been the same. In essence, "I don't know if you ever thought about perhaps being more-than-friends. If not, I'm more than happy with keeping things right where they are."

    Lex
     
  5. Northern guy

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    Thank you so much guys, looks like you all understand my situation.

    Yossarian - I'm so grateful to you for writing out exactly what I NEED to say. I couldn't remember all that to actually tell Dave in person, but if I decide to write I'll be using your words! Couldn't have put it better.

    Lexington - I'm probably more of a "guy of few words" so I'd find it easier to remember a simple statement like you suggest if I'm actually going to talk face to face. I like the way you put that!

    Greatwhale - you're spot on, it's the vulnerability that scares me, and again you're right when you say that Dave must have thought of the possibility that things might go further. He's been very kind and attentive, but when I've thanked him for this he says he's always like that. He's asked me away on holiday, introduced me to friends, all of which suggest ( to me) that he might see me as a relationship possibility. I DID say in one email that I would be pleased if anything more happened between us but I wouldn't want that to spoil a friendship - I was giving him an opt out In my mind. I hoped he'd say he also would like more, but he said he was looking forward to getting to know me more. Sensible I suppose.

    I guess one thing I have to do is prepare myself for disappointment if he doesn't want to take things further.

    Thanks again guys, you are so helpful and I appreciate your kindness, Paul .
     
  6. greatwhale

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    You're welcome!

    I like his answer to you, it's important because he's probably been burned in previous relationships and he's being careful. He wants to know you better, that, to me, is a very good sign. He's inviting you to these events and places for precisely that reason.

    Be open with him, as open as you feel comfortable...and maybe a little more. He wants to see you in the arena, he wants to see your vulnerable side...I am divorcing my wife, but all those years ago during our courtship and marriage; it was in the moments when she was completely vulnerable that I loved her the most (as much as I could). I guess it brought about my protective instincts...
     
  7. Northern guy

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    Thanks again greatwhale, you're very perceptive! Dave has been "burned". His long term partner left him 10 years ago, and he's not been in any real relationship since. I guess we're both vulnerable. Part of me says I should give this time as well, to be sure I'm not just trying to be with someone just to prevent myself being lonely, so I'm sure things will be ok in the end. At times I'm sure I'm still grieving, and that's not something that should be inflicted on another person ..... Maybe Dave is aware of that ( although I deliberately don't " go on" about my partner when I'm with Dave - he didn't know him and it would surely put him off if I talked about him all the time.

    Thanks again guys, you're helping me enormously, just thinking things through is good.