Hello.... I am new to EC but I have been reading some of the posts here for a week or so. Already finding that I can relate with several stories that I have read. I guess its just nice to know there are others who have some of the same problems. I have actually been starring at the screen for 3 days and finally got the courage up to write something. This is hard for me because I'm always the guy helping and worrying about others and not taking care of myself. But I digress. (maybe more on this later) I apologize ahead of time...sometimes i have problems putting my thoughts into type. I guess to get right to the nitty gritty..... I am 38 been married close to 15 years with 3 kids. I can't say that I have known all my life like some but possibly just in denial. There would be quite a few people that would be shocked and some would say they knew all along. I would consider myself fairly masculine. Love all outdoor activities. But I can also turn into that "metro-sexual" guy when the time is right. I did have several girlfriends in high school but also experimented with a few guys as well. Guess I just figured it was something boys did during puberty. Especially watching some of those same guys have successful relationships with girls and get married as well. College days were spent only with girlfriends but always noticing the other guys in the shower room. Again...figuring this was something guys did. (sizing themselves up) I guess possibly at this point I knew something was not right but figured if you get married, have kids, and do all the "normal" stuff then all that will go away. How wrong was I. To make a long story short I married after college and had about 3 years before the feelings started again but this time I knew all too well what was happening. I guess with career, kids, etc.. I didn't pay much attention to the feelings I was having. Just used porn whenever necessary. This worked up until the time I met someone and fell for him hard. After weeks of agonizing I finally decided to tell my wife. I thought I was ready to move on with my life. She did not take it well at all. And could not believe I was bi or gay. I mean I had both feet outside the door and was feeling like a 50lb weight was taken off. Only this sent me sprinting back in and slamming the door. Only this time it seemed I was carrying a 100lb weight. And has been that way every since. We have our good days and bad. I think deep down she knows but is in denial. Myself... I am numb, lonely, lost and have reached the point of I don't give a sh** about anything. Every time I try to end it this little voice says " how many lives do you have to ruin to make yourself happy" and this usually starts the cycle all over again. There are other reasons in the marriage that we don't get along as well so it makes it doubly confusing with my thoughts. Am I leaving because of being bi/gay or I'm just not truly happy. I see so many people say they are gay but they love their wives. I'm sorry to say I can't say that. I know that sounds mean. I know from reading that people have had success stories but the cost just seems so high yet the weight that I carry on a daily basis is sometimes just as high. As one other posted I signed a deal with the devil some 15 years ago. I failed to read the fine print of it destroying everybody's life to get out of it. I'm not really sure what I'm asking for on here. Possibly to just let others know they are not alone. To say that I am proud of the ones that are strong enough to make the change. And to hear others stories of how they were treated after exiting the "heterosexual" world and entering the "gay" one.
I can identify with so much you wrote. I have built a life on my denial and trying to undo that denial will absolutely ruin parts of that life. If you can, please find a counselor. I found mine on Psychology Today's website and in his description he said he specialized in sexuality identity issues. He's been amazing. He's helped me take that giant scary ball of chaos you described and made it more manageable. I have been empowered enough to accept who I am and I know he'll help me navigate the rebuilding of my life without denial. I'm sorry you are so unhappy. I'm glad you are here.
I could have written what you wrote, right down to the number of kids, and marital issues having nothing to do with being gay...except for your age. Your age is the silver lining in all of this, still young enough to start something new. If you leave, tears and sorrow there will be, but it is not catastrophic. As you said, it is costly either way, stay and the misery erodes your soul. If your home life is miserable, chances are your wife and children sense it, and they will be less than happy. I am now separated (since late April), it is a new gay life and I am happier than before. Yes my finances would give an accountant a heart attack, but it was worth the price, it's only money. My freedom, peace of mind and happiness are worth far more. I hope you stay awhile with us to explore the possibilities...Welcome to EC!
Welcome to EC! Honestly, I don't think you're doing anybody any favors by staying in an unhappy relationship, even with the three kids. It sounds more like inertia than anything else at this point. But you may need to work on building up to that. I'd definitely second the counselor idea. It'll be great to have somebody you can talk to one-on-one about these things, although obviously we're all here to help if you need it. Lex
I hope just writing it all down for other ECers to read has helped? May be the first step in a bigger journey of self-acceptance? In my own recent coming out, looking back, it was just too easy to deny, deny, deny. Years of habitual patterns and strategies and procrastination to avoid doing what in my heart I knew needed to be done. Guess its not all rainbows and clear skies once you do step out of the closet, but from my experience the gift of being true to yourself at last is a gift worth having a million times over what ever other 'stuff' comes up. Hope you can draw strength from all of us to take more steps forward
Hi Bassmaster Welcome to EC! I am so proud of you for taking this big first step and posting here. I know how hard it can be to type that first post, it means so much more than just a post - it's a symbol that you are now REALLY ready to put yourself first and move on. Maybe not consciously, but on some level you've reached a pivotal decision. Bravo! My situation (like so many others here) mirrors yours so closely. 37, 3 kids, 14 years of marriage. I came out to my wife 3 months ago and shortly after i started chatting with an awesome guy online. Since then we have been seeing each other and our relationship has really grown. My wife is aware of my situation and knows that i spend time with my bf, but we are still trying to navigate this very sensitive and difficult situation. At some points it seems that everything is fine and life just continues as usual, but at other times (when we don't talk and just pretend things are the same as always) we seem to be drifting apart. We had a loooong heart to heart over the weekend and at the moment we are closer than ever, but it's a journey and honesty and vulnerability are key. The key difference I think between your story and mine is that my wife and I are still very close / in love and we have an excellent marriage (even after I dropped this atomic bomb), so we are both still committed to see how this new reality will affect us over time. We have decided to be patient (after all we have as much time as we need) and to keep reconnecting on a weekly basis at least. We have decided (as i am sure you have too) that our kids' needs and wants are the most important factor and that we will never do anything that will hurt them. But this cannot be at the expense of out own happiness - then no one wins. Our kids happiness and ours do not have to be an either / or situation. When my wife and I talk we discuss all possibilities: open marriage, trial separation, divorce and how this will affect us and the kids. At present we are both still very happy to be married, but irrespective of how this may change over time, our kids' welfare comes first - and we will BOTH always be involved in their lives. And both also still continue on as happy adults! I have started seeing a therapist recently and I am hoping this will also assist us in moving forward. I cannot stress how important it is for you to see a professional with LGBT experience. It is essential. To end off I just want to encourage you to continue on this path. You don't have to run or even walk. A slow shuffle will also do! But it is time for you to confront your shame and realise that you are a GOOD person and that your homosexuality is not bad / evil. You can create a happy life for yourself - but YOU have to do this. You've taken a big first step, don't stop now! Wishing you all the best!
Wow... thank you all for your kind words and suggestions. And for welcoming me to EC. I think definitely writing my short biography and having the chance to read it back has made it even more surreal for me. Oh I definitely know that it is easy to deny what the real issues are and go about your daily business hoping it will all blow over. I have spent a lifetime doing this. And will agree also that it is not doing anybody any good staying in an unhealthy relationship. I think I know what needs to be done but doing it and saying it are 2 different things. We as humans tend to hold on to whats easy and comfortable. Honestly I really fear the repercussions of changing lifestyles in a small community not to mention owning a business there. Or like I said earlier when I finally get the nerve up either one: this little voice says DONT! or the wife seems to do this turn around where she starts being exceptionally nice and actually saying " I love you" to me. She must sense that something is up. I have to say this really screws with my head. Which kind of leads me to my next question of if the marriage is really off to start with from issues not related at all to my sexuality, does that really need to be brought up again as a means of ending it. Maybe you could elaborate on your experience with this greatwhale. Of how you were able to determine the cause of the problem. As for the therapist I'm sure that has been and would be a great avenue for help. Unfortunately the drive to one would be several hours. So I'll have to do some checking to see if there might be something available any closer. Again...thank you all for your support. I felt a whole lot better yesterday just getting all that out I think
Our marriage had deteriorated quite precipitously as early as 2007. I decided to do an Executive MBA in 2008 and it was rough on our marriage. That, coupled with her personality and no sex did the rest. Neither she nor the kids officially know about my orientation, and I will keep it that way until the very day the divorce papers are signed, this is a strategic delay simply because I do not trust her to refrain from using this to hurt me even more during this long, tedious and already damaging process of divorce (I would counsel you too to be very careful, Shakespeare said it best: "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned") She strongly suspects that I am gay, which is fine with me, it will make it easier to come out. I don't expect any issues with the kids, but that remains an area of uncertainty...
Those were my exact thoughts. And how funny...I have used that line (Shakespeare) many times when referring to this exact subject. If there are already unresolved issues in the marriage and one is feeling trapped is it worth the cost of telling all. Maybe come back later and explain. After the dust has settled. Some may call this lying or being a coward I guess. I say it may spare some of the initial pain. Asking for divorce is traumatic in and of itself. Asking for a divorce and saying your gay at the same time is like a nuclear bomb going off. I tried that once not sure I can do that again.
