1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Coming out, before sexually testing the waters...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by StellarJ1, Sep 26, 2013.

  1. StellarJ1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 13, 2013
    Messages:
    90
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    I have come out to a few friends, I want to continue to open up and be me.

    I still haven't had any sexual contact with a man. I'm totally scared to even go near another man with that intention. I'm still just trying to not be so repressed and let myself be attracted to men.

    There is one person whom I work with who elicits a nervous reaction from me. I also notice that my heart races a little. This is all so new to me. He has a girlfriend, but have a feeling that he is checking me out as well. I could be wrong, and it just might be whatever attraction I am experiencing for the first time...

    Either way, I don't feel safe in testing these waters with a coworker. I wish it were someone I knew outside of my workplace...

    Anyway. I wonder if its a bad idea to continue coming out to people without having at least kissed a man?

    I know it would be a lot easier to do if I had that experience to draw from and build confidence in moving forward.

    Have any of you proceeded in this way after realizing you were gay? Is it weird to come out without fully coming out to myself?
     
  2. greatwhale

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Messages:
    6,582
    Likes Received:
    413
    Location:
    Montreal
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You do not need experience to know that you are gay; you have come to terms with a desire that is strong enough to convince you of that fact. Good for you for coming out!

    Yes, the first time with a man is scary...and awesome...to feel that tenderness, that combination of softness and strength for the first time is something beyond anything I could describe.

    You will get there soon enough, be yourself, be out, and you will be noticed. I wish you the best of luck!
     
  3. Jim1454

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Toronto
    ^ I agree. You don't need to have sex with a man to know that you're going to like it.

    It is true that you need to get more comfortable with the idea of it yourself. But it's really no different than being nervous about being intimate with the opposite sex if you're straight. It's a big deal and you need to feel comfortable. That's why having sex normally comes after a period of getting to know someone. The odds of it being a positive experience are greatly improved if you do it with someone you know and care about, and who knows and cares about you.

    So what you should be thinking about is dating - not having sex.

    And on that front, if you're out to some people, then let it be known that you want to start dating. Being set up by friends, family or coworkers is better than randomly working your way through dating web sites or hanging out in bars. (In my opinion.) Get out and join social clubs or teams that are gay oriented. You'll meet people who are gay and who share some (at least one!) of your interests. Do it with the intention of making friends and let those relationships lead you where they may - either to introductions to their friends, or to relationships with those people.

    What I would NOT recommend it continuing to make mysterious or suggestive glances to the guy at work who has a girlfriend. People should be assumed straight until they tell you otherwise. Maybe he's struggling to come to terms with his orientation as well, but that isn't someone who is ready to date and have a meaningful relationship. Be his friend, but don't look to be more than that.

    Hope all that helps. Good luck!
     
  4. StellarJ1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 13, 2013
    Messages:
    90
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    i really appreciate your thoughts and suggestions.

    This is all so confusing and secretive, it is really helpful to hear others voice their opinions.

    i am having a really hard time letting go of control in my life. i've had such a tight, vice grip for so long.

    Letting others in on my first dating experience sounds crazy. lol. i am
    trying to figure out a scenario to have everything be so private and under my control.
     
    #4 StellarJ1, Sep 27, 2013
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2013
  5. oddlife35

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 22, 2013
    Messages:
    79
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hey Stellar, I relate with you in many ways. I'm not experienced either and sometimes I do get vibes from guys, but yeah, I agree with Jim that it's better to first pursue friends and dating with gay people before going straight for sex. Sometimes we have these romantic ideals in our heads of what gay sex life should be like and really, we probably should just let that go. We're people, not machines.
     
  6. Dragonbait

    Dragonbait Guest

    Stellar, if you're anything like me, and I totally keyed in on the word "repressed" in your first post - and have a tendency to relate everything I hear in terms of my own experience - I'm assuming you are to at least some minor degree, the fact that you're still without experience has to do with whatever programming you've received in life that tells you having a sex with another man is wrong.

    While I agree that a comfort zone is much easier to achieve once you actually know a person (as our friends have wisely advised) I might be so bold as to suggest that before you can even go that far, you need to get over whatever it is that you are repressing, become comfortable with the idea of... what is it for you? sex in general? sex with another man? whatever... before you can even truly entertain the idea of experiencing a pleasant sexual encounter with another man.

    Cause if you go into it with hangups, chances are all too good that you'll run out screaming, even deeper into that walk-in closet you're inhabiting now.

    Again, please recognize that I am spouting from my hip. This is what I have come to grips with for myself. I need to get past a lifetime of repression before I can even begin to anticipate a relaxed, let along pleasant, sexual encounter. I don't know you, all I know is what I gleaned from your post, which I automatically related to my own experience. If I am completely off base, please feel free to tell me so. Or completely disregard my post.

    But in answer to your last question, yes. The first (and only) person you need to completely convince is yourself. When push comes to shove, that's the only one that really matters. Good luck!
     
    #6 Dragonbait, Sep 28, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 28, 2013
  7. bigeagle

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2013
    Messages:
    150
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    UK
    Dragon bait... Nice comments above. I'm trying to come to terms with being gay but I have severe internalised homophobia! I have started to imagine situations with guys but it freaks me out. I guess this will improve as I continue my process of acceptance....