My husband and I don't want to separate. But I'm not fulfilled by this relationship. Not completely. I never have been. Now that we know I'm gay, it totally makes sense. Is it ridiculous to think I can stay married to him and have a woman in my life? Or will that just be the thing that finally drives us apart?
I don't necessarily agree, as long as everyone is ok with whatever situation is worked out. People can experience intense non-sexual love, and to judge that and say if there isn't sex involved, you shouldn't live together...just seems needlessly limiting to me. Multi-person arrangements are more difficult than paired arrangements...more people = more complexity. But with really good communication and a carefully delineated arrangement, such things can and do work. But in order for it to have a prayer of working, you both need to understand what you're getting into, and to be ok with it. Given that *I* have no clue exactly what the OP has in mind (and I imagine she doesn't know *exactly* what she has in mind either), I just suggest talking a lot about it with your partner, getting a counselor/therapist involved who specializes in LGBT issues, and moving forward with a great degree of caution. That all said, you must also confront exactly *why* you don't want to separate. Is it because you're afraid of the alternative? Or because you deeply love your husband, and value certain dimensions of what you have together? I'm sure it's tangled, which is why/how a therapist can help. But my 2 cents is that fear is never a good/healthy reason for doing or avoiding anything.
You both may be avoiding going thru the pain and unknown future of the situation. Been there. What if you make it work but the other woman wants more? My husband told me it was ok for me to look at other women. It got very weird when I tested talking about women. And he started to make offensive lesbian sex references. No one can say if it will work or not. It won't be easy. Whatever you decide try to maintain the friendship. That's the most painful loss in my coming out.
I realize this is from a males point of view but I have had some experience with this exact scenario. I personally would say he is in denial to some point. But he also knows that the world as he knows it will change. There may also be the thought of embarrassment on his part. Remember u have had time to think this out. He has only had the time you've given him. The thing is... If this is what u truly want you have to move forward I think. As most others believe he to probably considers this a "phase". If you retreat back in the closet as I did I think you would be surrendering to that idealism. Then a few years down the road you'll be asking yourself as I do... What was the point. It's tough! Been there done that. I wish you the best.
We are very open and honest with each other. I am going to a counselor, actually we both go sometimes, who specializes in LGBT issues. I am afraid. That plays a huge part in staying together. We have been together since we were 15 and 16. I know what I have here. I don't know what my life will look like with out him and that's scary. We also love each other deeply and are best friends. I don't want to think of having a life with out him. I just don't know what our life can look like. I want to weigh each option very carefully. Neither one of us are thinking of making any decisions just yet. I'm sorry that your situation was painful. Thank you for sharing. He was actually the one who asked me if I was gay a couple months ago. Before that I was in so much denial I never really considered it. We immediately found the counselor and have been very much on this journey together. I'm sure there is some embarrassment. I hadn't considered that. He said it's easier than if I wanted to be with another man. In this case, the blame is completely off of him. But the transition and explaining that he'll have to do would be really difficult. He's such a good guy. It makes it so much harder to make a decision.
