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mid twenties and unsure.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by ss190, Sep 29, 2013.

  1. ss190

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    Hello i'm a 23 year old male and i'm unsure of my sexuality. I have had crushes on guys for the last couple of years and it really confuses me, don't you usually figure out if your gay, straight or bi when your younger? And i've had girlfriends and slept with a few girls but lately it seems to me like i'm not really attracted to girls as much since last year my attractions have been to guys so i'm even more confused now. I'm worried that my family and friends won't take this seriously because i've had girlfriends and if they do i'm even more worried as my cousin came out as gay last year and alot of the family are very judgemental behind his back and i'd really hate that for me as my family's opinion of me is important. I can't turn to my friends as some of them do seem homophobic and again peoples opinions of me is important. I have seriously thought about just bottling it all up and see if it will goes away. Can anyone please give me some help or advice as it would be gratefully accepted and hopefully i can get the closure i need.
     
  2. greatwhale

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    Hi ss190 and welcome to EC!

    You came to the right place.

    Let's focus on two of the things you wrote that are troubling you: "my family's opinion of me is important" and "again peoples opinions of me is important".

    So let's talk about opinion then: do you think that opinions reflect reality or are they unsubstantiated opinions, driven mostly by prejudices and ignorance? What concrete actions and consequences, real things, have happened from these negative opinions toward your cousin? Can you point to an actual bad thing that happened to him from those who hold these opinions?

    The answer above can go both ways: 1) yes, but I'm willing to bet that if they are saying things behind his back, they are too cowardly to do anything else. 2) no...so what are you worried about?

    I would recommend you visit our "LGBT Later in Life" dept. and see for yourself the consequences of not being who you are because of other people's opinions. Years of bad marriages, the trauma of ending them and rebirth into one's self, but at an older age.

    Your opinion about yourself matters the most. You have the freedom to act, despite what you think will be negative consequences. If they are family, I assume they love you, and eventually, maybe not right away, the cost of harming and ostracizing you will probably be too much to bear...for them.
     
  3. Tyrael

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    Hello there and welcome to EC :slight_smile:

    I'm in the same situation as you, in fact almost identical! There's no "age limit" on discovering and exploring your sexuality. I have dated girls in the past, in fact I've only ever dated girls. I've recently came to terms with the fact I'm bisexual and I've not told anyone I know IRL about it yet. I would advise you not to bottle it up though, it's good that you've came here though because it helps to talk about it even if you're not talking to people you know in person.

    First of all you have to realise there is nothing wrong with feeling that way. It's perfectly normal and although it is not something many people will find easy to accept, they don't need to as long as you can accept it. Perhaps you could keep it a secret from your family and friends until you've explored the options a bit yourself? That's what I'm in the process of doing. Trying to decide if I can really go through with this and feel comfortable with it, being with a guy for real. It's different from wants going on my head and yours I'm sure! But that doesn't make it a bad thing :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 29th Sep 2013 at 07:20 PM ----------

    Greatwhale commented while I was writing my post, but I second everything he says also :slight_smile:
     
    #3 Tyrael, Sep 29, 2013
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2013
  4. ss190

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    Great whale and tyrael thank you for the feedback much appreciated. :slight_smile:
    I'm going to check out the LGBT later in life dept now and view other threads, hopefully I will soon stop beating myself up about it and start accepting myself for who I am. Is there any more advice or pointers you can give me that could help please?
     
  5. greatwhale

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    I suggest you press the "resources" tab at the top of the page, there is a ton of stuff you can use...You see? I told you you came to the right place! :grin:
     
  6. bigeagle

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    Hi. Please don't 'bottle up' these natural desires. Suppressing emotions is very unhealthy - I have personal experience and am currently trying to untangle a huge mess!
     
  7. bassmaster

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    Welcome ss190.....It sounds like you are trying to figure out a lot all at once. There is honestly no hurry in making any decisions. Prioritize your issues and take them one at a time. Probably no need to worry about family opinions if you are still unsure of you sexuality. I would start with that one. I am in my upper 30's and in the process of coming out to myself and others after being married and kids. If there is one tip I can give is do not bottle it up. It creates a whole host of issues. I am new to EC myself. There are a lot if great people here with excellent advice and personal experiences.
     
  8. Dragonbait

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    I will echo that and GW's warning to you. I'm 46, in the process of splitting up a 21 year marriage 20+ years after realizing it was the biggest mistake of my life, my kids are caught in the fallout, my body is exhibiting too many signs of the turmoil - multiple nosebleeds daily, weight loss, stomach/gastro distress, insomnia, the list goes on - and I've always been a very fit, healthy person.

    And the whole reason I got myself into this situation in the first place was my family's opinion - most specifically my parent's approval. And despite cramming my alternatively shaped soul into an American Dream shaped box, I never did actually ever feel confident that I really had that approval anyway. Maybe because I knew it was all a lie? Maybe because they somehow sensed my constant flight instinct? Who is to say, but it's there none-the-less.

    So take it from me, the only person's opinion and acceptance that matters is your own, until you have that, everyone else's will be built on a false foundation anyway and it'll never give you the confidence you hope to draw from it.

    Good luck coming to terms with yourself, please don't put it off!
     
  9. Rose27

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    Welcome ss190!
    All I can add is you should have the support of your gay cousin & that's a good start. Something to think about: I had family & friends who were not upset that I am gay but that I had kept it from them. My older sister was really pissed off...now she wants me to visit her so I can meet her lesbian friends!
     
  10. Yossarian

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    No, not always, and you are your own example. Maybe a more operative question would be "HOW do you figure it out?" If you are sexually aroused (physically) by looking at pictures of very toned men, you are probably gay. If you are sexually aroused by looking at the same sort of pictures of women, you are probably straight. If you are aroused by looking at both, you are probably bi. If you are aroused by neither at age 23 you are probably dead! (just kidding). Some people will have more intense reactions than others, but you will probably have some kind of feelings when you look at people, and the sex of the people you like to look at is your best clue. When your feelings are mixed or not very intense is when you end up "questioning", unsure about what "label" you want to attach to yourself and how to proceed.

    And i've had girlfriends and slept with a few girls but lately it seems to me like i'm not really attracted to girls as much since last year my attractions have been to guys so i'm even more confused now.

    You should probably follow up on these attractions and try dating some of these men (if they are gay) and see how you feel about having sex with them, just as you had sex with the women, after you get to know them. If it doesn't feel right as you start to get close to a sexual interaction, then that is probably a good clue also.

    I'm worried that my family and friends won't take this seriously because i've had girlfriends and if they do i'm even more worried as my cousin came out as gay last year and alot of the family are very judgemental behind his back and i'd really hate that for me as my family's opinion of me is important. I can't turn to my friends as some of them do seem homophobic and again peoples opinions of me is important. I have seriously thought about just bottling it all up and see if it will goes away. Can anyone please give me some help or advice as it would be gratefully accepted and hopefully i can get the closure i need.

    At age 23, you should be in a position to experiment and tell your family what your orientation is AFTER you figure it out. Until you do, it would probably be a mistake to tell them anything, so that you don't feel *to them* like you were lying to them earlier when you finally do figure it out. IF they don't accept the real you after you know and tell them, then you need to focus on building your "family of choice", so you can be supported by people who know you and love you for who you really are.
     
  11. Beware Of You

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    Here is my 5c

    You are kinda like me in a way, I am also 23 (also Later in Life I feel old lol) and I only came out when I was 22 literally a year to the day. 23 is hardly an adult, I am a PhD student I don't feel like an adult much. We are still figuring out who we are, research shows that development doesn't stop until 25-30 !

    Anyway I only really noticed that I was gay when I was at uni, and I had my first same sex experience at 21 which is a lot later on that the whole "I realised when I was 13" idea. However thinking about it after I accepted it explained a lot about my teenage years, how I never got into their jokes, how I never dated girls etc. I just thought I was different and just one of those quiet kids who avoided all the teenage banter about sex, girls etc. but no I was gay, I was just ignorant and repressive of it. (Deep down I probably knew and refused to even let it see the light of day) I also went to a strict Catholic faith school so I actually used to believe that it was wrong to be gay which may have been contributing to me denying myself subconsciously. Coming to think of it I always got weird when same sex couples kissed on TV.

    Fact of the matter for me is that during school I was never really friends with the boys, all my friends were girls, so I never really got to know them that well, and obviously I just saw the girls as my friends nothing more.

    It was only when I went to college, and got ahem friendly with this gay guy who lived next door to me; that's when I fealt sexual attraction for the first time in my life. Ill never forget it, I was sitting on his bed watching some awful movie with him (just as friends do) and then his hand appeared on my thigh, I looked at him in the eyes and just smiled then we kissed and I just new at that moment that this is right and well it was the time when I lost my virginity.

    All I am saying is that life isn't the same for everyone, its pretty much unique to you, we probably never had the opportunity to explore who we are until we were slightly older !!
     
    #11 Beware Of You, Sep 29, 2013
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2013
  12. ss190

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    Greatwhale, tyrael, bigeagle, bassmaster, dragon bait, rose 27, yossarian and beware of you. Thank you for your comments, they've cheered me up and made me feel so much better:icon_bigg .I think for now I'm just going to focus on getting my degree and not worry too much about my sexuality. Thank you again for the comments.
     
  13. bassmaster

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    That's great!! Glad to hear that you were able to come to some decision. For some of the rest of us we're still deciding. :slight_smile: You have probably made the correct decision. Wish you all the best!!
     
  14. malachite

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    It's kinda hard to pin down an age where people can say, I knew I was gay there are so many factors: denial, conformity, confusion that play a factor. I'd say don't worry about the time frame in which you start to figure things out. You're doing it now and that's good enough.


    :thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup:
     
  15. Nat3

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    Hello, welcome to EC.
    Sorry, for resurrecting a thread that appears to have been closed... However, have you ever considered the possibility of spending/sharing your life with a guy?
     
  16. ss190

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    Hi Nat3.
    In answer to your question, yes I have thought about being in a relationship with other guys. I didn't feel weird it felt normal but I'm not going to take it further yet. Its not that I don't want to right now I'm just trying to get my degree out of the way without having to worry about my sexuality and personal life.