Questioning sexuality & depression

Depression:Yes. I called it "functional depression" because I worked,went to school,married,took care of my child... but I had this darkness that was always there.
At 1st coming out feels like you train wrecked your life & everyone's around you. Then you might notice you are breathing a little deeper. Your a little more self confident & then yes a little happier. You have to have faith in your decision.

 

In my case the "functional depression" lasted many years but was more the result of NOT coming out. I am basically pathologically honest and hate secrets of any kind, and as I slowly made the transition in my mind from "interested in guys but basically straight because I choose to be" to "hopefully just bisexual?" to "idiot, you're gay and always have been--what's the big deal?", that depression slowly cleared. I've only told 7 people so far, but I have felt a great sense of relief each time, and sometimes even a brief high.

I should also add that I was never medicated because I guess I never saw my feelings as depression in the classic sense, and it clouded my life but didn't stop me from going to work, raising my kids, etc. I WAS still functional, after all, and assumed what I was feeling was mainly stress due to obligations like job, kids, approaching mid-life, obestity, aging/dying parent etc. Then my sick father finally died, and I discovered I had a couple medical conditions that were pretty easily corrected and made me feel much better, and I was also able to attempt losing some of the weight I had piled on over the years, which made me feel better and think more clearly. That made some of the "functional depression" lift and also allowed me to think more about coming out. That makes it sound like a domino effect, which really wasn't the case. It was more like having a eye exam, where the eye doctor keeps trying different variations of lenses on you and asks, "Which is clearer, A or B?" With each successive new set of lenses, you find yourself seeing things a little better defined, and are more and more able to function properly.

I'm guessing you may be going through a much shorter period of self-acceptance than I did (mine basically took decades, for pete's sake!). So instead of living with years of that functional depression, as I did while I VERY slowly accepted my feelings, you're doing it much more quickly, almost in one fell swoop, so I'd say your depression is totally normal. I can tell you most definitely that since I've resolved my doubts and accepted being gay, I have felt better and better about the decision as time has gone by. I hope you do too. It's amazing what a difference it has made.

 

Choirboy-Thanks- I was not clear re-depression. What I described as "functional depression was the 25 years before I came out. The post coming out depression was more "oh crap! What have I done depression"
Re-glasses changed my whole world too!

 

I've used the word "surreal" to describe it, and that still fits. Our relationship has basically not changed in any significant way, except that she now makes occasional reference to my being gay at odd times. We were driving to a competition that both of our daughters were involved with, and were in the car alone together, and I admired a little sports car. It was a kind of pastel-ish teal and I mentioned liking the color a lot as well, and she commented, "Yep, definitely gay". She's also suggested that "we" see what our options are for getting divorced but maintaining the same residence until we can clear up our finances, so I can "get on with my new life". (That's the royal "we" which always means ME--that has not changed!) She has also asked me "not to date any of the gay guys she knows", but since that comprises 4 people, two pushing 30, one around 20 and another still in high school and disabled, and I am nearly 52, I suspect I can manage to restrain myself. She's got some general issues (I suspect undiagnosed borderline personality disorder), I think she is far more shaken up by the fact that I am so much more confident and cheerful, and it's harder for her get her way by bullying and manipulation, than by the fact that I'm gay.

 

Yah - ex admitted he did not like me looking happy. And I lost about 30 pounds before coming out- It upset him he got the fat me for 12 years. It's hopeful to say our understanding & supportive spouses will always be that way on out journey out. Some wont be. After 5 months things got fugly and he said he never wanted to discuss me being gay again but that's when he started outing me-to everyone.
I can say on the topic of depression sometimes I feel very sad but its not an endless sadness. I can have a crappy day and wake up happy the next morning & that's awesome.

 

^This, in a nutshell is the crux of the matter with my current situation. She can't handle my being happy with the divorce (she even said as much, I should be wallowing in sackcloth and ashes); she had fantasies of me being sad in my "crappy little apartment" (I ain't, which pisses her off to no end).

She is going the divorce suit path, complete with an expensive lawyer because she wants to see me suffer.

An article appeared today on my home page from a Canadian financial planning website which counsels women to forget going the lawyer route and exacting revenge on one's former spouse, it only weakens you further financially and makes recovery all the more difficult. Mediation is way cheaper and far less destructive. It went on to state that the average for such divorces runs in the $15,000 range (I know that's cheap by American standards) but I'm guessing it's pretty accurate in our case.

$15,000 that could have gone for our kids, instead of her lawyer's kids...if that isn't depressing...

 

Well, I'm now out to 7 people total, including my wife, oldest daughter and favorite cousin. The reactions have ranged from grudging acceptance (my wife) to enthusiastic encouragement and support. That's been a major "feel good factor" for me, because I certainly didn't expect that. I know there will be people lilke my brother who will very likely be more negative, but I don't see him that often, and his opinion is less important to me anyhow.

What IS more of a "feel good factor" is that I have found myself feeling much more secure and confident and happy the further I have made my way into this adventure. I'm not even to the point of being out in the "gay world", if you want to call it that, but I have definitely realized that keeping my sexuality a secret was using up a huge amount of my energy and emotion, and the further I inch out of the closet, the more open and honest and happy and relieved I feel. Scared and anxious too, I won't deny that, especially thinking of the prospect of a very different pool of potential friends and dates. But fear with action is very different from fear without it. Saying I feel "calm" probably isn't accurate, but what I used to consider "calm" was really a lot closer to "sedated", so I'm much happier now. Remember, your mind has a hard time repressing just one emotion, so if you block out your sexuality, you may very well be blocking out a lot more than that, and you may not be used to feeling much of anything at all at this point!

Look at it this way--if I had the flu and took a whole bunch of meds, I would feel more functional and be able to go about my life, but I would still have the flu, I would still feel "off", and the meds might very well make me groggy or dried out or whatever. Once you start recovering, you can gradually breathe and taste and smell and function again. When you stop taking the meds, you may feel odd at first because you're so used to them, but you will also function more like a person again. For me, being in the closet was like years on end of having the flu and taking "straight meds". Coming off of the meds and "recovering" isn't the easiest thing, but so far I feel like a huge weight is being lifted off of me, and I'm very, very happy that I have decided to do it. Hope that helps!

 

Well, when I read your request for a "feel-good" I immediately thought of the thread I read last night that really buoyed me, http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/84281-coming-out-older-regret-too-late.html

But as I continued to read along the responses you've received here, and noticed Greatwhale's uncharacteristically ebullient post, I'm not so sure the thread I've shared will have quite the same effect as I was hoping. So maybe, when you read the one in the link above, think more about the way he usually inspires us newbies than about his issues with a bitter wife. (Doesn't sound like your's is quite the shrew he's dealing with anyway!)

Oh, and GW - I'm starting calls to mediators next week - will let you know what they're charging in my neck of the woods as soon as I figure it out. Although I'd hate to depress you further...

 

You know, my wife has a pretty good handful of loose screws of one kind or another, but I am so very thankful that her vindictive streak is reserved for her mother and brothers. She was remarakably kind to her abusive drunk ex when they split many years ago, and she has been surprisingly tolerant of my little revelation. But then, when all this bubbles to the surface, she will be able to paint herself in the role of the wounded victim, which is her preferred mode of operation, so that may be simmering in her mind somewhere. It may backfire a bit, of course, because anyone who knows me will realize that this isn't something I did out of spite or general evilness, but she will still get more than her share of mileage out of it. And like normal people, her biggest concern is the kids, so all indications are that in my case at least, honesty WAS the best policy. Your experience and MANY others to the contrary....

And considering that our home has degenerated into an episode of "Hoarders" thanks to several of those loose screws, a crappy little apartment sounds SO very appealing....!

 

I've had depression for over 20 years and I do think being unable to accept my sexuality has contributed to that. It's not the only factor but most likely the biggest one. My spouse is also supportive and I have also wondered at times if I made a mistake in coming out to him. (Although I did tell him I was bi before we even started dating so it wasn't a complete shock to him. But still, I feel bad.) We keep talking though and that has helped immensely. We are both seeing a therapist (separately) and that has been very helpful. At this point I'm glad I told him and my therapist because now I can actually work though my pain instead of trying to hide it. While my coming out to my husband hurt him he has told me he is glad I'm being honest with him. And we are both trying to work on ourselves so that we can support each other in whatever path we end up taking.

 

That's awesome!


Re-Functional depression. It's a term I've been using for 20 years-Don't think its a real clinical diagnosis.

 

I think you're right, but "real" or not, it's very nicely descriptive!

 

(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)

 

Big Eagle, it's more or less standard to second guess yourself at times. Especially BIG decisions. You wonder if you've misinterpreted your feelings, but in your original post you were pretty certain that you have struggled with these feelings all your adult life. And of course you feel love for your wife-natural. You don't need to jettison that in order to be honest with yourself. And being honest with yourself is never a mistake.