I'm in a bad place

Jory, you'll never lose by trying to find a more fulfilling life. It's your birthright to do so. You're not creating problems for others. They are making their own by how they react to who you are.

We can only do our best to please people we care about. When they demand that we not be ourselves in order not to make them uncomfortable, isn't that asking a bit much? Would they do the same for you?

I say these things as a transgender person who held my secret for six decades so as not to cause others to like me less. Those lost years were mine, and I didn't live them to their fullest. In the end, what have I gained?

There are some things in life you can't control. Let them go and focus upon yourself and what you want to make of your future.

I wish you all the best.

 

Maybejory... I can really relate to your situation right now. This is exactly where I was only 2 weeks ago. I came to the conclusion that I basically had 2 options; 1) continue to suffer in silence 2) come out and face the consequences.

I realised that my mental health had deteriorated significantly, I was spending 24 hrs a day with these thoughts spinning around my head. Sleep should be peaceful and time for recuperation - instead, my subconscious mind took over, and by morning I was not refreshed but emotionally and physically drained.

So... one morning I got up and told my wife. I told her I was having 'sexuality issues' - I don't think I used the gay word. Since then, it has not been easy but at least the process has begun.

My advice is this; you must save yourself from the suffering. Only you will know when the time is right. Good luck and keep in touch.

 

Jory- I was SURE I'd totally fucked up my sons life. Know what ? After a bit of a rough summer he is doing great in school. He's happy. (except for normal pre-teen angst)
He sees his Mom-Happy. He said to me "Mom I've never seen you smile so much as you have this past couple of weeks"
Your family will survive .So will you. Yes it will totally suck for a while. But you and your family will be ok.
I got the "lesbian" beaten out of me as a teen by my bio maternal parent. All that fear kept me in the closet until last year.
DON'T LET FEAR CONTROL YOU!
Hugs

 

I also felt the same way. It was a horrible burden. But I came to the realization that I wasn't going to be good for anyone if I kept going the way I was going. I was so miserable and depressed (and as a result lost in my addiction) that I wasn't any good to my family anyway. My relationship was going to end because I was so withdrawn anyway.

And you know what? I didn't ruin anyone's life. It was a disruption - for sure. A bump in the road. A bit of a detour. But I didn't ruin anyone's life. Kids adjust - they're more resillient than we give them credit for. And my wife - she remarried 3 years later.

No - we aren't living the picture perfect 'Norman Rockwell' life that we all think we should. But in reality - who does? Most straight people have their issues and hang ups too. They divorce all the time for reasons less important that incompatible orientations. So give yourself a break and figure out what is really best for you and for your family in the long run. I think you'll find that it would be best for you to live an open, honest and authentic life where you can be happy - and in turn be supportive of them.

 

I will echo Jim's very pertinent message to you. Your kids love you, they want to see you happy. They want to see your wife happy too.

With regard to what your kids are experiencing, you need to imagine that you're in an airplane cruising at altitude and the pilot and co-pilot are arguing fiercely and don't get along...how safe would you feel?

You can't give them what they need in the state you're in, it's just impossible, I took the necessary steps, there was pain, but less that I expected. There is joy in the freedom I have gained; much more than I expected!

It's neither win nor lose, free yourself from that mentality of opposites. Think of it rather as you becoming who you are, to everyone's benefit, especially to the ones you love.

 

For what it's worth Maybejory, you have company in the difficult place you're in right now. I too feel like I have to choose between two bad options…blow up the family I love or continue living as a shadow of the person I want to be. My natural tendency is to take the path of least resistance… but that's what got me into this mess in the first place. If I don't come out soon, I could see another 5 years going by or another 10 before I just can't take it anymore. Then I'll have wasted that much more of my own life and my wife's. I have two kids and I do believe they'd be better off with a dad who is happy and true to himself than the one they have now who is often down and detached. There's nothing easy about this, but it's a great help knowing there are people here who have taken the leap and found a happier life on the other side of the closet door.

 

So much of this coming-out process is about ending the cycle of worry and fear.
Otherwise you create illness for yourself which is not helpful to you or your children.

I think that being honest is the beginning of the path to healing. At least for ourselves, and that is all we can control.

My parents were married for almost 40 years before my mom died many years back. I know that I wish that my dad(whom I think is deep in the closet, and almost 80 years old) would have come out during their difficult marriage. It would have been so revolutionary for my family. I also would have had a role model, and not be 36 years old and just trying to come out of the closet, myself.

Do you have a family member, close friend, or therapist that can be a support system for you? That could help you breathe a little easier, I'm sure.

 

MJ - you've got some tremendous support here, lots of good people with good advice, but reading Jim's just SO impressed me. The man's got his head on straight, that's for sure, and he nailed all the most important points.

The only thing I can think to add to his comments is that you don't have to lose. It's not a win or lose situation, life rarely is, unless you contemplate ending it, and in that there is ONLY lose. The rest is what you make of it.

If you and your husband stand any chance of finding real, honest, love and/or happiness elsewhere, would that be a loss?

If your kids can get to know you (and him, probably) as happier, more relaxed, fulfilled, less inhibited people, would that be a loss?

If you provide a role model to your kids about how to be true to yourself, how to follow your personal passions and lead an authentic life, would that be a loss?

There really, truly is so much to be gained - for all of you - don't let your fears or the expectations that others impose on you (us, them) keep you from following your heart and soul.

 

I have two kids and I do believe they'd be better off with a dad who is happy and true to himself than the one they have now who is often down and detached. There's nothing easy about this, but it's a great help knowing there are people here who have taken the leap and found a happier life on the other side of the closet door.

Spaceman... great words, this gives me strength. What is your situation? Are you thinking of telling your wife...?

 

Something to think about here--you may be doing your family more damage by staying IN the closet than by coming OUT of it. People--particularly children--pick up on the fears and anxieties and insecurities of other people, which in turn makes THEM more fearful and anxious and insecure. If you're feeling guilty and in denial, your family is picking up on it one way or another, by your body language, tone of voice, and the way you relate to them.

Coming out may totally screw many things up. There's no denying that. It will upset the apple cart. My wife has accepted my being gay, and an eventual future without me in it (other than as the father of our children), but I wouldn't say she is thrilled about it. However, there were many negative behaviors that I adopted in our relationship because I was clenching my emotions so tightly and trying so desperately not to have her suspect I was gay. She's got issues to begin with, and that really didn't help her. It was also stressing our kids out in ways that I didn't realize at the time. People often know there's a problem somewhere, and if they can't put their finger on what it is, they often assume it's their fault when it really isn't. That realization made me blurt out to my wife in the middle of an ugly fight that I was gay, after several previous failed attempts to tell her. I didn't want to keep up the notion that all of our problems were her fault, when in fact a portion of them was because I was going to such lengths to hide my orientation.

Even though our living arrangements have not changed at the moment, I feel a huge sense of relief at having the big secret out in the open. I am more functional at work (good thing too, considering that my boss is now out with cancer and my duties have increased dramatically). I am slowly developing more assertion in dealing with my wife's many problems, and I feel a much improved sense of focus and self-confidence. The kids can see it too, and they see me as the "sane" parent even more now than they did before. No, I can't guarantee that everything will be sunshine and roses. But there's a lot of mental health (and not just for you) to be gained by getting it out in the open. I also finally reminded myself that as difficult as it was after 20 years of marriage, had I done it 10 years ago, the pain would now be long past, and if I kept waiting, it would only postpone the inevitable, and give me MORE time to worry about it. Keep us posted--we all care!

 

(*hug*)Yay! Glad your feeling better!

 

This appears to have been a very good day for you!

You have delineated the issues perfectly and common sense is prevailing. Keep posting, we'll do our best to reinforce the points this excellent counsellor has made!

 

It sounds like you have a great counselor. I'm so glad you're going to couseling. Have a gay weekend indeed!

 

MaybeJory, I've been following your posts for the last week or so, and I just wanted to add my encouragement as you navigate your way through all of this. You've come so far. All the best to you. (*hug*)

 

MJ- I completely understand your position. I also appreciate the fact that you are having a better day. OMG I couldn't express any sentiment more precisely. I will be the sole bearer of ( semi) bad news... You will continue to have ups and downs. You will constantly vacillate between hope and despair. You will question yourself, the validity of your feelings and the impact on your children. I am here to say that is all ok. If you selflessly made this decision without the consideration of others you would still be immature. It's ok to self doubt it's ok to be wary. It's ok to vacillate. In the end, although we are all here, you are the one living with the consequences of your actions. I love hearing it will all be ok. I hope it is-- for you and I both. Best. Xx

 

So glad to hear you're feeling better and getting such positive support from your counselor. I'm only recently out to myself and haven't yet told my wife, but I know I have to do it. Being part of this community is helping me get to where I need to go. Can't wait to hear about your gay weekend. Hope it's amazing.

 

Maybejory, Lovetoski, your posts both help me so much! MJ, I want a counselor like yours! I'm glad you were able to hear all he had to say. Try not to doubt a word of it, but when you do, think of all the people here who regularly provide you with the proof of what he's telling you.

Stay strong, stay centered on everything you wrote in that post today (yesterday really, it's even that late here in CA) and be kind to yourself. And I'll second what your counselor told you, have a gay weekend!