Hello friends, So. Clif notes on my life story: in my 30s out to all but my family. Friends are very progressive, smart, professional, have been out to most of them for 10 years and coming out to them caused no anxiety at all (I'm super lucky to be in communities where every second human being identifies as something other than straight, or.. if they're straight.. they maybe feel a little guilty about it - hello, and thanks, small lefty liberal arts college) My family.. not so much. I avoid them a bit, I live many states away. We don't tend to understand "supporting" each other, the way some other families seem to. estrangement and disconnection comes more easily to us than connection. Well -- not on both sides I suppose. It's a long story. Money does strange things and plays a role in it. For a long time I kind of avoided getting involved with anyone. Overall, that's been my pattern, though I have had very significant, intimate relationships, I just haven't had as many as a lot of people my age. I have a lot of shame about not being out, and a lot of difficulty and fear of being misunderstood/ defensiveness when it comes to explaining my family dynamics to all but my oldest closest friends (and even with these frieds, after disclosing things, I feel worry and regret.. : / ) I've now met someone amazing and wonderful. which is great. she's met my friends (aka family of choice) and I've met her friends and family (who are soooo sweet). Hmmm... anyway, so.. my confession is that .. I haven't been able to tell her I'm not out to my family. this feels like a big omisssion. I guess cuz it is. And it is really affecting all aspects of my ability to be present in the relationship, because I feel so guilty about not being upfront about this. I am really aware of the ways it is fucked up and bad to keep secrets but I can't seem to stop myself from doing it. the fear of her leaving me bc i was not out/ as "evolved", while probably totally irrational, was sooooo great that I have not been able to talk to her about this. And I don't want pressure to come out from anyone besides me. And I don't want advice on how to do it -- I get really defensive, feel really really incapable of properly explaining my family and it's particular dysfunction to anyone.. I try to and i persevorate, get shakey, can't eat, feel ill, etc. Obviously I need to get better at this somehow, but that's how anxiety provoking it is, how much fear I have around being judged/misunderstood. Oy, I'm so neurotic. Ok. So, I came out to my sister a few months ago via the post. that was fine - she didn't care. Now i have a card stamped and ready to go to send to my mother. And i can't seem to get the damn thing in the mail. I really wish I could explain more here about all (the other stuff) that's happening in my life right now, but ya'll don't have all day to read this.. but suffice it to say my anxiety is through the roof. I'm trying to make some big decisions, going through a move, etc. But I need to send this damn thing. My nieces (yikes ! ) are a whole nother issue, but baby steps.. just my mom. I just need to send it. Maybe you guys have some practical tips? give to someone else to mail? then how do i get through the days after I send it? I almost grew an ulcer trying to make myself listen to my sister's voicemail that she left after getting my letter. hmm any thoughts appreciated, luck to all, and thanks so much for taking the time to read. feel free to pm me if you like.
Hi beginnersmind (love the moniker!) and welcome to EC! The thing about fear is that everyone thinks it's a bad thing. It isn't, it's what keeps us alive (most of the time). Yeah, Roosevelt would have said "the only thing to fear is fear itself", but he was speaking in an economic context and the panic that was set off in the markets during the depression (but I digress, which I do a lot). So there is that letter, the vessel containing all your anxieties between those little folds. It probably weighs so much more than a normal letter (you may need to add more stamps for all that weight)...Is it really that important? Will that letter determine the rest of your life? Or will it be but the first page of a new chapter? Only you know the consequences of what will happen when the one it is addressed to reads it. Are you absolutely certain of these consequences, or is there some uncertainty? We talk a lot about vulnerability in these parts, and this is one giant step into the ring, the one with all the gladiators...but nothing happens without taking that one risky step. I challenge your assumption that the risk is as great as you think it is, or that the letter is as important as you fear. Fear is a necessary component of survival, however it can paralyze you. That is what Roosevelt was talking about. The solution is to feel that fear fully, define its known and unknown borders...feel it, acknowledge it, yes, respect it....then calmly set it aside and calmly put that letter into the mail box.
HI Greatwhale, just wanted to quickly say thanks so much for writing. I'll try and take all you wrote into myself, consideration. Even if I can't immediately process all the nutrients in your reply, knowing there are folks like you out in the world who care and write back is a lot of nourishment in and of itself, if that makes any kind of sense. Also - fraternal order of the sloths??? can I join? even though I'm a girl?? it sounds GREAT. Sloths. wow. one of my favorite animals ever.
^Thanks! Well of course you can join!...it is the society for the preservation of procrastination and...just hanging around...upside down...slowly. Now mail that letter! (when you get around to it...eventually)
Hey, my answers gonna be fairly short but hope it helps. Surely it would be easier to just tell her face to face?
