Hi EC friends, I'd like your comments on something I've been thinking about... When I told my friend 'I think I'm gay' he was very shocked. I told him I'd not met a guy and was not fantasising about guys. He couldn't comprehend how I had come to the conclusion that I was gay. I explained few things... 1) when I was young kid I had a couple of same sex experiences 2) i can clearly recall 4-5 people asking me if I was gay 3) i have suffered from depression since my late teens 4) I've had plenty of girlfriends, but on each occasion I ended the relationship - due to something 'not feeling right' I'm trying to make sense of my raw emotions. I guess my biggest clue has been the internal signal from my 'heart of hearts' - something that I was aware of but didn't have the strength to face. Until now.
I can't help you with your clues, but you can always ask him how come he had known he hadn't been gay before he started dating girls :icon_wink He will probably say something like 'Because I just knew!' well, there is your answer. We simply know what we like and who we want to be with.
Actually I can understand your friend not really comprehending if you limited it to these things; I'll tell you why. To take your points in turn: 1) Doesn't make you gay, especially at 5-6 yrs old (as you have said elsewhere). Knock that one out. 2) Other people asking you doesn't make you gay 3) So have many other people, in itself doesn't make you gay. 4) This doesn't of itself make you gay (what was it that didn't feel "right"?-was it the same on each occasion?). Your post and your explanation to your friend leaves out the main thing- that you've had gay feelings all your adult life that you've repressed (going by what you've said elsewhere). That's where you need to look.
Is it something that you know deep down in your bones? Being gay is something I couldn't deny deep down at my core. Believe me. I tried for many years to suppress my gay feelings.
Thanks everyone, I guess I'm just trying to make sense of my feelings. Since the 'emotional explosion' a few weeks ago, I now find myself in a strange place of self doubt and unable to interpret my emotions. I guess this is a time for patience. I have only just started to release the suppressed emotions, and much work lies ahead. I look forward to my therapy session next week!
You really don't fantasize about guys? I suppose I knew that I am gay when I found myself thinking about how attractive some boys are, especially certain celebrities on TV. As I matured, other things started to suddenly catch my attention (i.e., it was like someone was flipping switches, it happened so suddenly). For example, when I was in high school, I just wanted to see cute boys with their shirts off. Something about it made me feel tingly and excited. Later in high school, I started thinking about penises. That was when the porn came in. The idea of anal sex seemed pretty gross to me, so avoided thinking about or looking at pictures if that. But I came around to that too in college. It sounds odd, but I never really noticed muscles on guys until just about three years ago. Once that switch flipped, it was all I could think about. That evolved into general attraction for "fit" men and caused me to really start thinking about my own fitness (i won't lie, there is something erotic about looking at yourself in the mirror when you are feeling particularly fit, something only people who are gay can really identify with, I suppose). These days, I I admire/lust for all aspects of attractive and moderately attractive men, and I fantasize about doing all kinds of things with them with very few limits. Do you find that you have had some switches flip on you that make you believe you are gay? By the way, I saw your post a while back asking about my plans for the future with my wife. I don't have a great answer, but would be happy to share more with you. It would certainly be easier to do so in a private chat, but I can't be a full member until I post 50 posts, and I don't want to write posts for the sake of getting full membership. So hang in there and someday we can chat!
Thanks link. Ive nearly done 50 posts so might get the full member soon..?! I think it would be helpful to chat with someone in a similar boat. In terms of fantasizing about guys... i can recall a few occasions where i looked at pictures of attractive guys and had sexual thoughts. However, these thoughts were surrounded by guilt/shame and I consciously pushed them away. I've never watched gay porn, maybe this will happen sometime?
I say search tumblr for guys cuddling. What you need to comprehend is gay intimacy and explore internally whether or not that's something you would enjoy or could conceivably desire. One of three things will happen. You'll either feel nothing at all, you'll feel an open sexuality broadening in front of you, or you'll see something there that excites you in a way that no girl ever has.
I remember things VERY clearly. -When i was 9 my mom bought "the Jungle Book" on VHS and Lena Headey played Kitty in the movie. I watched it OVER and OVER till the tape broke because I thought 'she was the prettiest girl ever!" (my mom seriously didnt think this was odd) -When I was young I stuffed socks in my pants and asked my mother if I could get a penis like a boy. (i got i sooo much trouble) -There was this girl Priscilla in my class and I kept giving her my candy and giving her little gift because I wanted to be her "best friend" and I used to push boys out the way so I could stand next to her in line. -My first "sex dream" was Heather Locklear. I had a dream she was kissing me and I woke up freaked out. -Over the years every time I had a dirty dream it was a woman. Tea Leoni is one I rember vividly. -I never wanted a boyfriend. Ever. I got one because my friends did, but when he tired to kiss me I thought it was gross and turned my head. I'm seriously starting to wonder why I ever tried to convince myself it was a phase and that I could be straight. Thing is, when I came out...no one was surprised...well no one that knew me well. My BFF told me "Girl I know. I was just wondering when you were going to tell me." My sister told me that her husband told her after he met me. My Dad told me he figured something was up because i was in my 20s and still a virgin and never bought a guy for him to meet. My mother, while angry , was not surprised. She just expected me to remain celibate.
Sometimes those clues are a little obscure. I can remember having what I interpreted as "crushes" on girls in junior high and high school. But the more I look back on them, the more I realize I never fantasized about DOING anything with them. They were actually girls who I identified with in some way--similar academic ability, or physically similar in some respects to myself (or the way I wished I looked). I almost think that the strong emotion that I considered a "crush" may actually have been me wishing I was as attractive to guys as I was convinced they were! I definitely remember a girl in high school who I "liked", who looked like she could have been my sister--AND she dated a guy I was pretty much obsessed with for a couple years. Projection, maybe? By the same token, at the same time, I checked out guys in the locker room and even just in class quite regularly, and never really interpreted it as anything but "admiration", even though when I look back, I can tell it was definitely attraction on some level. It's very easy to misinterpret signs and feelings if you really have never even considered the possibility that they might mean something. And like link4816, I've definitely had those "switches" in my head that have flipped from time to time as I've become more acceptiing and just more aware. My feelings have over the years have run the gamut of fascination, curiosity, interest, longing, guilt, obsession--you name it. For some people, realizing you're gay, bi, whatever, is a pretty obvious thing, but for others, like us, it's more a gradual revelation and understanding and realization, and it can be a very frightening thing, because it challenges many of your assumtions and expectations. Once those switches start flipping, however, it's amazing how much better you feel.
