Just a quick update. several years ago I came out to my wife but jumped back in the closet just as fast and slammed the door. I can't say things have ever really be great in the marriage. There was a time I loved her very much but the last few years we have evolved to roommates. It's hard to tell if real problem is us or my sexuality. I struggle with all the norms that others have talked about. Inner struggles, depression, guilt, loneliness, etc....I could go on all day. I managed to conger up the courage to tell her I was done. That the best thing for us to do was split up now while we could actually stay civil to each other. Nothing about my sexuality was brought up. I made this all about her and I and our ability to not communicate, etc... Long story short she refuses to give up and wants us to try harder. Pulling out all the stops so to speak. Mentally I'm just not in it anymore. But guilt is wrapped around me like a anaconda. For the ones that have been through this... Am I lying to her? Am I taking away her choices by not telling her once and for all I am gay. I was at the cliff but couldn't jump. I was trying to spare her the pain of that again. It's funny...telling her I was gay was hard. The thought of telling her again, harder! I thought there was enough of a reason without getting into sexuality.
Oh, that is so hard. If you're done, you're done. There's no working on it. Maybe be very clear about that? I chose to be completely open about myself and he's still holding on so I really understand feeling stuck when you really just need to be free.
Very!!! It seems they believe that once in love always in love. Or try and find a way back there. The only problem is we've taken so many roads to get to where we are today I didnt really pay attention on how to get back to where I started.
I completely understand your situation. About 10 years ago she found out. And somehow it got put back away. Now we are here.and I am wondering the same thing. Is it easier to just no bring up the sexuality. Probably is because that wont be floating around in court blaming us when other problems caused marriage problems too.
Denial. A river in Egypt! And ... ... ... (I know it so well myself) My wife and I are working our way through "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix. Very effective for us. Imago therapy we work on together. It brings us to understand ourselves and our feelings and each others' feelings. Have discovered that my bisexuality is only one of several factors handicapping our relationship. We will see where this exercise leads, but regardless of the outcome to our relationship we will definitely both know ourselves better and be better prepared to live our lives, whether together or not so much. Highly recommended tool if you are interested. Approach seems to be similar to MKP work.
The above is so in keeping with the often-observed fact that spouses are to some extent complicit in the lie. I don't want this to be perceived as self-serving bullshit, coming from someone who's been there and done that, but I can see no way that they didn't "know" that something was off. In a sense they have closeted their own feelings about the matter, they repressed this feeling, almost like a parallel closet to ours. Perhaps also it is a parallel coming out that they have to undergo...
My wife and I are in "de-coupling" therapy and it was hard to find someone who understands how to do this work. We are slowly taking ourselves from the pain of a failed relationship to constructing the one that we want post-separation. I am constantly wracked with painful guilt as I watch her cry and hear her pain, but I am convinced that if I don't keep pushing for myself, I will just end of resenting her and continue to fade away until there's only a ghost of a human-being sitting in the same room with her. For both our sakes, I am struggling to stay strong until she can accept our fate...let go of what was...and begin building what will be. This is one of several hard stages to get thru...or perhaps THE hardest. We'll see.
I was that ghost, for way, way too long. But I finally got desperate enough to reclaim my lost self that when he said he wanted to try I told him it was useless. That intellectually I could see his efforts, recognize them for what they were, acknowledge the fact that it was nice, but that it had no effect on my feelings for him at all. That I was numb to him inside and certain that nothing he nor I could do would ever change that. When he finally grasped the fact that there was no chance for improvement between us, he agreed that going separate ways was better than staying in a dead marriage. I am not out to him, but our problems permeated every aspect of our relationship, so I feel no compunction to disclose anything regarding my sexuality. But as I always say, this is what I feel is best for me, and just one perspective, you need to look into your heart and decide what is best for you. Good luck!
If you came out to her once already it's probably in the back of her mind somewhere. But straight spouses have their own denial to deal with just as we have ours...I think you should tell her, honesty is usually best, even if it's painful. Easier said than done I know! Maybe see a therapist and he/she can help you figure out the best approach.
I'm a couple of weeks away from a disillusionment but feel if I could only be myself around my ex we would be perfect together. She's always been bi-curious, although the one time I mentioned cross dressing or re reversal playing she freaked out. Regardless, that's my dream, not hers and, despite what I want, it's unreasonable to expect her to change for me. I guess I'll never know because I don't plan on having this conversation with her until later (she's top on my list of people to talk to first when I finally make that decision). I just hope that at that time we can be as close friends as we are now. If not, I've already been through the pain and hopelessness of the end of our marriage so I don't have as much to lose. It was hard, believe me, but now that I'm on the other side of it I'm gaining some personal perspective. I think my trip down the denial river permeates every aspect of my life and our life together. It led to the problems that ultimately drove us apart, but I never came out and told her who I am. I constantly, even now-after an affair (her, not me) and all the problems (she says I've never been happy)-I think we could be happy together. But then I think how difficult it would be for her to be the one in town married to the (insert any of dozens of pejorative terms), especially since she is a very public person because of her job. As it is now, I moved out two months ago and since then have started expressing and experimenting with my gender in my apartment. Things I couldn't do before--something as simple as a change from sleeping in boy clothes to girl clothes, finally removing most of my body hair, and using body lotion every night-means there's no way I could go back, and only see more and more change in the future. Still, I'm struggling with sharing this piece of information with her. Could it make a difference in our life? We're a family. We have a child together. But I'm a liar. Is this secret as bad as having an affair? I'm not ready to share this side of me yet, but regardless I can't help to think that this would effect visitation and custody (shared as of now). I guess that if that's the case it will happen either way and it might just be better to have this conversation now. F. this is hard sometimes. This will probably be the topic of conversation during therapy this week. Is there a thread or board that already deals with this?
