For more then half my life I knew I was attracted to guys. As I get older the feelings become stronger. When joining this EC gang a few weeks ago I was ready to make the change. Told my sister I couldn't live like this anymore. But then this week I feel completely different. I feel like my bisexuality/gay is not real and I am happy again in my marriage. WHY? nothing changed. This makes everything so much harder. This happens often. I feel like If I end my marriage it may be a mistake and this is what I really want. But then a few weeks it will completely change back to wanting to be with a guy. I feel like a different person every couple weeks.
I always wondered about the magic age between 35 and 45.. it is like something goes crazy inside of us men you could talk to your wife and just open the marriage to you playing.
Same here lostyrs. A few weeks ago I was trying to schedule some alone time away from the kids so I could tell her. Now I'm backing off and giving myself more time to think and get to know myself as a gay man. It really is a roller coaster.
lostyrs77, I remember those times, for me my feelings would come and go just as you describe. As time passed the intervals got closer and closer until...bam...I'm definitely gay. Take your time and figure everything out for yourself. The hardest part about it all is letting go on all the dreams and plans you had in your marriage for your future. If you decide to move past your marriage, you'll see that you can still have your dreams and future plans, they'll just be a little different. Different doesn't have to be bad, it's just different. Going back and forth was some of the worse times in my life. Good luck and take care.
Hey lostyrs...welcome to the reality of bisexuality. The stereotype is that we are all interested in both sexes equally and all the time. The reality is that our tastes shift and change...sometimes as often as your taste for chicken vs. steak, sometimes as your taste for red vs. white wine or wine vs. beer...fill in your own food analogy! Seriously, for some it's a day-to-day thing; for others week to week; still others shift by the month or even longer periods. What you are feeling is normal/common for a bisexual. To me, it makes perfect sense: why shouldn't sexual appetite be like any other appetite? The question is what you want to or are willing to do about it. I've long considered bisexuality a double-edged sword and a bit of a curse if you have a value for monogamy. Good luck, and if you want to talk more, I've spoken and interacted with quite a lot of bisexuals and can speak to the experiences of many.
Oh I understand as well. I'll be so ready to walk out of my marriage and call myself a lesbian then bam - husband comes around and makes me feel like all tingly or I go out and I can't stop staring at the guys - truly sucks. My advice is also to take your time sorting things out - with the help of a therapist if needed.
I finally accepted my sexuality a few weeks ago. Even though I know that I really am a lesbian and it really feels like the missing puzzle piece that makes my life whole, I still question myself from time to time. I think it has more to do with me not wanting to give up my life and marriage than my sexuality. When I'm doubting, I sort of talk myself through all the steps I've been through, all the "proof" and feelings. Then I realize the doubts were not real, just feelings that needed to be worked out. I'm having to do it less and less often.
It's amazing how much your situation seems to resemble that of my own. I go thru the same thing from time to time. It's almost as if the spouse can since that something is going "south" and they seem have a way of making us feel like leaving may not be the right thing to do after all. The only problem is after a week or 2 the feelings return. I think this shows that we actually do care for our spouse and don't want to purposely hurt them and are sincere. So many people can walk away and never look back. That is clearly not us. However at some point i think we do have to save ourselves. It is definitely a frustrating roller coaster and know u are not alone. I don't think I can message you until I've had so many posts but would possibly like to talk a little if you were interested. Seems like we have allot of the same issues.
I am right there with you Lostyrs77. I originally joined EC in Nov. of last year... I couldn't take it anymore and had to come out to my girlfriend/mother of my child. Well I began my journey, got busy and things settled down. Well now I'm here again. This time it is very important to me to follow thru. I know if my desire to come out lessens any it will be back soon enough. Looking back, its been like this for me for years.
Thank you all for your time to post. You all are wonderful and just knowing others have the same experiences and feel the same helps.
I get it. I joined this site over two years ago with the same questions, backed out, then recently found myself here again. Go figure. I think, for many of us, the journey of self-discovery is long. And ongoing. Perhaps just coming on here and talking about it is what you need right now. Give yourself time.
I am also thinking that maybe this feeling at this time of feeling "straight" was put on because my sister who is my biggest support and I can talk to about everything moved down to North Carolina from Pennsylvania. I think it impacted me because there was no notice. Her husband was offered a job and they moved in less than a week at the beginning of Sept. There is no one else here. Unfortunately all my friends were dropped when my wife found out 11 years ago I was Bi. Due to her trusting me with other guys. The more I think and write about my life the more I realize this isn't living.
Just an additional note on "this isn't living" and on your sign-in name. You may well not be "living life to its fullest"...or "being your most authentic self". Those are extremely important things to realize, and they can help you move forward. But it is still living, and that should be recognized too. I get the feeling of "lost years" extremely well...near and dear to my own heart. But I think you have to give yourself credit for doing what you could when you could. We all do our best. It isn't always enough to make us happy; it isn't always what we wish we could have done; but it is what we were capable of doing at the time. If you'd have been capable of more, you'd have done more. And whatever it was, it *happened*. It wasn't lost, it was life: it was a critical and non-omittable part of the journey you are on. You can look back on it now and say "wow, how limited I was; how much I've grown since then...I'm so glad I'm this far along now!" But I don't think it is fair to yourself, your capabilities, your situation to say "the past ___ years may just as well not have happened", because those years brought you to these years. Just be sure to do what you can (what you're capable of) with *these* years. Just some perspective, not just to lostyrs, but to all who blame themselves for a bad situation they're in. We're all dealt hands, and we all do what we can. If you have regrets, don't beat yourself up...accept your past limitations and try to grow into the new level of capabilities that comes with your present level of wisdom (accepting of course that today's capabilities and wisdom are also limited, the journey isn't over, and you'll continue to develop).
Yes... Life is about choices. And we can only make decisions based on the information we have or are given at the time. No regrets!!!!
All of that acceptance that you have been practicing and acknowledging over the years is amazing, challenging work. It is also totally normal to be in doubt at times. I know I am all over the place throughout the day. I have to remind myself that this is a process. There are so many complexities and experiences that are woven into my lack of self-acceptance. It can feel like a riddle, and I often try to "think" my way through complex feelings, rather than just feeling them.
