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Overwhelming anxiety about coming out to parents

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Rebecca16, Oct 6, 2013.

  1. Rebecca16

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    I'm in my late 30s and have known I'm gay since my teens. I'm out to a lot of people but not my family. It didn't use to bother me in the past but over recent years it has started to bother me and I decided that I wanted to come out to my parents. However, I'm absolutely terrified.

    It's not that I necessarily think that the reaction will be that bad - I'm kind of hoping that they already suspect and that they will be (reasonably) okay with it - although you can never be sure. It's just something that I've kept inside for so long and has been such a barrier between us. I've also always had that doubt at the back of my mind about whether they would still love me if they knew and it's just tied up with so many emotions for me.

    I don't think I could tell them face to face (even if I had a good opportunity - I don't live near them and when I do see them it tends to be on the big family occasions like Christmas and birthdays which isn't ideal) - I literally don't think I could get the words out and would just immediately start crying.

    The only way I can think to do it is a letter but, even then, just trying to write it makes me start crying and just thinking of sending it and them reading it makes me feel like I can't breathe - God knows how I would cope with the day or so waiting for it arrive and to hear a reaction. The thought of them reading it and (hopefully) ringing me to discuss it - even if the conversation goes okay, I feel panicky about having the conversation. Even though we appear to be a close family and I speak to them a lot, I've obviously not been upfront about my life and my feelings with them for most of my life and, while we speak on a superficial level, we're not used to having these kind of emotional, raw conversations.

    I decided I was going to come out to them maybe about 2 years ago and have been waiting for the right time (which, of course, there never is for one reason or another) and I periodically think about it, start trying to write something and get all upset and panicky. If I see them, I think about trying to tell them and spend my visit worrying about that rather than enjoying spending time with them - or think that it may be the last time I see them if it doesn't go well. So basically I've been torturing myself and freaking myself out by thinking about doing it all this time without actually getting anywhere in terms of doing it!

    I recently decided that this Coming Out Day would be the day so again I've been spending the last week or so getting myself worked up and getting upset and panicky and still don't know if I'll finally be able to go through with it.

    Sorry - I don't think this is really a question. I *know* I should stop torturing myself and just go ahead and do it - In my head I know I should do this and, if it was just my head I had to think about, I could do it - but it's my emotions, the fact that I feel panicky and short of breath when I think about it and thinking how on earth would I manage to function and act like a normal person at work when I was waiting for them to receive the letter.
     
  2. drs

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    Had a hard time coming out to my parents as well, even though I was pretty sure that they would be accepting... I ended up sending them an email when I knew they were both home, then followed up with a text to ask them to read it...

    It took a bit, but they seem to be totally understanding and everything... Of course, I don't actually have a boyfriend (that they know of at least), so we'll see what happens when that actually happens!
     
  3. biggayguy

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    How will you feel if they find out on their own? For me the fear of them being told by someone else became bigger than the fear of writing my letter. Writing the letter was a hard, scary, thing to do but it was also the most freeing thing I have ever done. Perhaps you could model your letter on one of the letters here on EC.
     
  4. sagebrush

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    When I convinced myself to come out, I decided that I would tell my father first. It was terrifying working up the courage to make the long-distance phone call, but it was the best phone call I ever made. The sense of liberation and relief itself was profound, and the calm manner in which my father received the surprising news helped as well. Even if the call had gone badly (which I fretted over for hours and hours beforehand), the crushing weight of the closet door was finally lifted.

    While my journey still has its struggles and anxieties, I am so glad I finally made that first call 2+ years ago.

    Wishing you the best when you write your letter, or make your call, or have your face-to-face conversation... (*hug*)
     
  5. greatwhale

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    Hi Rebecca16 and welcome to EC!

    I would like to explore with you why it has been bothering you that you haven't told your family. Is there a reason you need to tell them?

    I'm not saying you shouldn't by the way, you should. But have you really thought about why from your own point of view? Do you have a clear idea of why it would be better that they know? How strongly do you feel that this is an important thing to do?

    What I am perceiving from your thread is that you are very much focussed on how you are feeling about this. Fear is a natural reaction to uncertainty, it is to be expected and should also be respected. Fear is also something that can paralyze you, unless the reason for coming out is more important than the fear that's gripping you.

    Nietzsche said: "He who has a why can endure almost any how."

    Think about why it is so important to tell them, think also that you are an adult and that you are your own woman, independent and capable of making important decisions. You may have to explain why it took you so long, you may feel some embarrassment as well, but there is nothing like living your own truth and that is the most important "why" of all!

    You have our support and encouragement! (*hug*)
     
    #5 greatwhale, Oct 6, 2013
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2013
  6. Rose27

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    (&&&)
     
  7. Rebecca16

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    Thank-you everyone for your replies.

    The reason I want to do it is because I feel I'm always lying (or at least being evasive) when I speak to my parents about my week etc because there are things I can't say while I'm in the closet (e.g. that I went on a date, or, if I'm going out for the night, they'll ask whereabouts I'm going and I don't want to say the gay area of the city etc). I also want to know if they'd still love me if they knew. My mum always ends the call with 'Love you' and I always think 'Do you really - or would you if you knew?'

    Having figured out that the chances of me being able to get out the words 'I'm gay' and express myself in any kind of a coherent fashion in person or over the phone were very slim, I decided on a letter rather than an e-mail because it seemed more personal whereas an e-mail seems a more casual thing (if that makes sense.) However, maybe I should re-think because it will at least reduce the agonising wait for a response.

    I'm not sure whether texting to tell them to read it will work as my dad always forgets to have his mobile switched on or take it anywhere with him - but he does check his e-mails at least once a day. (My dad would have to show my mum any e-mail as she refuses to join the 21st century technology-wise - I hope she's ready to join the 21st century in terms of accepting my sexuality!)
     
  8. lovely lesbian

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  9. bigeagle

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    Hi Rebecca, I can relate to your difficult situation. I haven't told my parents yet, but was at their house yesterday. Being with them and pretending that I was 'ok' was extremely stressful. I felt sad and lacked enthusiasm and was expecting my mum to ask if everything was ok? Although I'm sure she sensed something, she didn't ask me. Although it's difficult, I need to be patient and speak/write to them when I have more clarity and confidence.
     
  10. greatwhale

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    I think an e-mail is perfectly fine, I would also recommend that you compose it starting with the main event. Any long preamble will just confuse the matter and raise the level of anxiety until they actually read the words: "I am gay".

    After that news is out, so to speak, you can calmly explain and even anticipate a few questions that you should be able to answer then and there.

    Best of luck!
     
  11. Rebecca16

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    Okay, so I'm planning to send them an e-mail and have come up with this:

    Mum and Dad,

    I’m writing because there’s something I need to tell you and I don’t feel I can do it in person or express it properly.

    I’m gay. It doesn’t define who I am but it is part of who I am and part of my life. I didn’t tell you earlier because I didn’t know how you’d take it. Previously, it didn’t seem like such a problem but over recent years I’ve found it more difficult and felt that there was a barrier between us and that I can’t share some things with you.

    I wanted to write this as I want to have a more honest, open relationship with you .

    I hope we can talk about this if you have any concerns or questions.

    Love Rebecca x


    Does that sound okay? Any comments? I didn't want to make it sound like a big deal or get overly emotional in the e-mail - I think they may suspect anyway (although I'm still completely freaking out about doing it) and I don't know of any particular concerns they are going to have that I should address upfront.
     
  12. Rose27

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    Its straitforward & honest. I like it.
     
  13. Ruthven

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    It's good. Hope everything goes well. :slight_smile:
     
  14. All out

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    You are lucky you feel close and want to be closer. I really like the low key, no big deal approach in your letter - it probably will be a relief for them. On a different note: I think everyone needs a gossipy family member. I dreaded telling my parents only because we aren't close and I don't really want to discuss my personal life. I just casually mentioned it to my sister one day and, voila, the whole family knew about my girlfriend by the weekend! Very low stress.
     
  15. Rebecca16

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    Well, I sent the e-mail four hours ago - for better or worse. No response as yet - maybe they haven't read it yet, maybe they are a bit shocked ...or maybe I did it so casually that they don't feel the need to immediately respond and think we'll just casually chat at the weekend as usual!

    Anyhow, I need to stop checking my e-mails constantly and try to forget about it for the evening so that I can get some sleep...
     
  16. greatwhale

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    Well done! It's out there now! Breathe, try to keep things as normal as possible, and of course, let us know how it turns out!
     
  17. HopeFloats

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    Great email, Rebecca. I'm happy for and proud of you for sending it.
     
  18. Rebecca16

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    I finally got a reply to my e-mail after over 24 long hours! Basically, they said they had suspected as much and that it doesn't change anything between us and they just want me to be happy.

    I thought I might breathe a sigh of relief and relax when I got a response but I just burst into tears when I read it and even now thinking about it makes me cry. I guess it probably is relief and just all the emotions I've been keeping inside for so long. I'll be speaking to them at the weekend so hopefully I'll have calmed down by then!

    Thanks to everyone here for your support.
     
  19. greatwhale

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    Great news! What a relief it must be. Crack open a bottle of champagne and do a little dance, it's done!