Gay and married

Welcome to EC, BMW2002,

You are not alone in this, I assure you, not even about the Sears catalogue :icon_wink

Take some time to read what others have gone through, feel free to tell us as much as possible, you're safe here.

Best of luck on finding out who you are and what you will do next!

 

Welcome BMW2002 this place is great. I found it a few weeks ago while searching for a local support group. I couldn't ask for a better group then this. No judgment and everyone's friendly. Lots of great advice. I'm still dealing with my situation too. Not knowing how old you are the only thing I can say is it gets harder to deal withas time goes by.

 

I am also married, and just this past June was finally able to admit to myself that I am gay; took another 2 months to be able to come out to my wife. In the almost 2 months since I've come out to her, I've also come out to my parents, and a couple of people at work. Everyone (except me wife, she had figured it out long before I had) was extremely shocked, but very supportive.

We decided that we would need to get a divorce, and are making progress there; but in the end, not much had really changed. Our relationship had already devolved to being friends. If anything, our relationship in that way is actually better now. Telling our daughter was rough, but she was far more upset about the divorce than she was about my being gay.

I won't say that it's been easy; there are days that I wish I could take it all back and stay in the closet forever. But I know I can't live my life that way anymore, and, as hard as it is on everyone, this is the right path.

Welcome, and good luck!

 

Welcome bmw2002. You've come to the right place for good advice and support. I'm currently in the 'trying to accept' stage and have 'come out' to wife, sister and best friend. They are all supportive. For me, the short term goal is to start feeling better about myself. I have started therapy, I'm taking anti-depressants and doing a lot of self help research. Posting on here and reading other peoples posts is very helpful.

 

Bmw... How old are you? And how long have you been married? Do you think your wife suspects of will be totally shocked? My wife was shocked and despite the difficult situation is being very supportive. We have a baby to take care of - he is our number one priority.

 

Hi BMW2002 and lostyrs77

It was a great help to me to realise I was not alone and that others had struggled with realising they were gay later in life and found a way to be happy. Some guys and girls are taking longer to work through the issues but some like PeteNJ and greatwhale have shown what is possible on faster time scales.

I think that most of the guys on here who are /were married loved their wife’s during the marriage and were faced with the monumental torment of not wanting to hurt them or wreck the family by coming out. I reached a point where the pain I thought would be caused by a marriage breakup seemed insignificant to the pain and depression caused by remaining in the closet so I decided to come out to my very understanding wife and now feel much better.

So take time and read the stories of others especially PeteNJ and greatwhale. I have given a detailed account of the events leading up to my coming out, and the notes I gave my wife, in my blog so have a look at that if you have the chance.

I have only one word of warning about this site … it’s very addictive. I found that it became my lifeline to sanity and that it became a major part of my life during the darkest times. It’s a place where you can open your heart and soul to complete strangers in safety and get the support and encouragement you need. You will probably see references to a book written by Joe Kort called “10 Smart things gay men can do to find real love”. It’s very helpful to guys in our situation even though the title doesn’t quite fit the contents of the book, and it’s available in Kindle format.

When I feel down I cheer myself up by looking at a series of photos taken at the engagement of a gay couple Colby and Brandon, by the international wedding & portrait photographer Gabriel Gastelum Colby & Brandon // An Engagement | Gabriel Gastelum | Photographer The photos show beyond any doubt what so ever just how natural love can be between 2 guys.

Sale Gay Guy

 

Welcome BMW2002, and thanks for dredging up the memory of the Sears catalog! Although in our house I think it was actually Penney's....

I always knew I was interested in guys, but my miniscule exposure to gay men years ago was so generally awkward and not particularly positive that I convinced myself it was something I could overcome by meeting the right woman and settling into a "normal" married life. Fast forward 20 years, and here I am.... Still trying to decide if being gay was something that resurfaced over time as I matured and became more confident and self-aware, which contributed towards my unhappiness in my marriage; or if the many issues in my marriage have made being gay and out seem much more acceptable and desireable than it used to. Maybe a little of both. Regardless, I'm now out to my wife (and also my older daughter, a cousin and several co-workers), and we have some vague plans to divorce eventually once it won't put all 4 of us out on the streets. Things are not moving quickly but I think I'm probably more comfortable with that than the alternative.

Like you, I found myself "not feeling honest", particularly since she has some problems anyhow, and I had begun to worry that my secret might not only be causing some of the issues in our marriage, but also messing up her mind even worse than it already was. I made several attempts to work up the courage to tell her, which all failed, but then I basically blurted it out during a fight. It's been more awkward than awful, but at least it was a positive step.

Paraphrasing what your counselor said, owning up to the feelings in your own mind really does set a snowball rolling down a big hill, and it's pretty hard to stop it. What you do about it largely depends on your relationship with your wife. Some men here were in marriages that were falling apart anyhow, and coming out to their wives is something best saved for when they are NOT their wives anymore. Others are maintaining some kind of temporary or permanent coexistence after coming out to them. Personally, I'm glad I told my wife, because it took the "What are you, GAY or something???" weapon out of her arsenal. You'll have to make that decision for yourself, but there are a surprising number of people here who can support you as you make those decisions. Keep in touch!

 

Hi and welcome to this site! (I'm AUDI2001 )

You're not alone - in fact you're in good company here. Many of us found ourselves in the same situation. It isn't fun, and it's not easy to move forward, but that's what you'll need to do. It's like opening a Pandora's Box - you can't close it again. Now that this has entered your consciousness you can't remove it - and it won't get any easier to live with either.

At the same time, your path is your own. The timing needs to be determined by you and based on what is best for you and your family. Good luck!

 

I could have written this word for word. Your age is not stated, but I remember looking at those same catalogs many years ago, and not understanding what my feelings meant. "You might be gay if ..." words of wisdom were nowhere to be found. There were no role models to be seen. "Exploration" was likely to get you jailed, bullied, beat up, dishonorably discharged, unemployed, socially isolated, and being treated as some kind of pervert or child molester, so most of us didn't "go there", just waited to find some girl we liked well enough as a person to get along with, and then did what was "expected of us", never fully understanding what had the potential to make us truly happy. And in the process, creating a problem for a woman and maybe children when it later becomes more obvious to us what is wrong, and that there is no painless way for all to make it right.

What most people here are going to tell you is that you need to be truthful and come out, and depending on your situation and how intensely you feel the need to do so, that might be the best choice. However, only YOU know the details of all your circumstances, how important it is to YOU to be seen on the outside as what you are on the inside, and how much damage that is going to do to the people around you, if and when you do come out. If you decide that it must be done, then sooner is almost by definition better than later, because both you and she have a finite amount of time left to rebuild your lives if you decide to divorce as your solution.

Your situation (as well as my own) as a married man gives you no "free ride" to explore your sexuality without at some level "cheating" on your wife. Only she can give you that license to openly explore, which puts you right back at the same place you started about coming out. Maybe you can reach an agreement with her that allows you to determine how important to you your sexuality is, but only if you come out to her and the s:***:t doesn't hit the fan. Don't expect that conversation to be an easy one, but it is a lot better to initiate it at the right time, than have her discover by accident that you have been seeing other men behind her back. If you are absolutely certain that you want and need to live the rest of your life with another man, then there is little to debate and the best course is to act decisively to bring her up to speed on where you are, so that you can both decide together what is the best course of action to take. Whatever you decide to do, when you decide to do it, people in this forum will be around to help you with the details and provide a host of different suggestions to help you deal with the difficult patches.

 

Welcome bmw2002!! I am fairly new to EC myself. But yes...this is definitely a safe place you can read, ask questions, or just speak openly about what's on your mind. Sometimes it's just knowing that there are others going thru the same sort of issues as yourself. The only thing I could tell you at this point is you will prob want to take things slow. Think....react. Think....react.
My wife caught me several years back looking at gay porn. Denied it and went on. Then a few years ago I decided I needed to come out to her. I think I jumped back in the closet as soon as I said the words. No here I am today trying to figure out the correct path once again. I'm not sure it ever goes away. The thing is if this is just a fantasy or something then you should not feel guilty and may not need to tell her. We all (even her) have fantasies or thoughts about certain things. That's the great thing about our minds....nobody can read them. However that becomes the bigger question I guess. Is this a yearning to have an emotional and physical attachment to another male? Try not to let this consume your every waking moment, because it easily can. All the best!!

---------- Post added 7th Oct 2013 at 01:10 PM ----------

Still trying to decide if being gay was something that resurfaced over time as I matured and became more confident and self-aware, which contributed towards my unhappiness in my marriage; or if the many issues in my marriage have made being gay and out seem much more acceptable and desireable than it used to. Maybe a little of both.


It's interesting that you bring this up. This is the root of my problem I think. I have agonized over this for years. Which one caused which? Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe it does. I don't know. If the marriage caused being "out" to be more desireable then one could really dive in and work on the marriage. If the unhappiness has caused it then it's probably a lost cause. It's like deciding to cut the blue wire or the red one.

---------- Post added 7th Oct 2013 at 01:13 PM ----------

Well I totally screwed that up! Lmao!! Was trying to quote CB and reply to him. Sorry!

 

I had a wonderful conversation with an 89 year old Radical Faerie, at the Short Mountain fall gathering. He's sill married. His wife understands. He goes his own way.............................................................................

 

Good luck. I was in the same boat. It feels much much better to be open with your partner. You have that to look forward to when you are ready. Keep us posted. Glad to know there are more of us in the NW!

 

BMW2002, I'm right here with on this one. Seldom do actually see anything in life in black and white, but being truthful and in the closet is one of those things for me. While it is not mandatory for anyone to come out, what I am discovering for myself is, I feel really detached from those people who don't know the real me. So much so, that I actually find myself keeping my distance from those I would normally count as my closest friends.

I hid behind being "attracted to men" right beneath my wife's nose. She took my distance as me hating her. Not the case, but I can see how the evidence of being clammed up led her to believe it. Now that this is out in the open with her, things are actually better.

Now that I am coming out more fully, day by day, person by person, I can not imagine going back in. The amount of energy I've expended and wasted on the whole activity astounds me. I don't even think that I could erect those walls again. They've been smashed. That said, there are some relationships that I am still weighing in my mind, trying to determine just how truthful I need to be; perhaps with some, I will just move on (at least until later).

I would love to not be in this situation; but for me that is not going to change and I have decided that dwelling on it was dragging me down. The only way that I can see to make the feelings shift positively, is to continue to accept that they are here to stay and to make the best of it. Shoot, to give myself room to even enjoy them.

It is a delicate balancing act. While my wife is supportive in the extreme, this is still 12 years of marriage that she feels have been wasted to a large extent because they've been invested in a relationship that is never going to give her the returns that she deserves. It is true, I will never be able to give her all that she needs, wants and deserves; and I now realize, she will not be able to give me any of those things either.

Hang in there. The rawness does dissipate. I think there is still a lot on my own horizon, but I have definitely found some upward momentum in putting the whole "I don't want this..." to rest.