Do husband and son suspect?

Am I being paranoid, transparent, or just reading far too deeply into otherwise innocuous comments?

Last week, Thursday to be precise, I drove my 14 yo son to school and as we were driving he said, "Mom, you should get an equality bumper sticker."

So I asked, "Equality? What do you mean? What kind of equality?"

His response, obviously, was for homosexuals. Then he said, "That's like something really important to you, isn't it?"

Of course, in the midst of my panic, my first concern was not driving the car into the side of a building, the next was coming up with a response that didn't lay bare every single thought and feeling flitting through me at that moment. So I offered my standard (and honest at it's core) reply, "I believe in equality for all humanity. It's a human rights issue, not strictly a homosexual issue."

Then I pull up to the next traffic light and he jumped out of the car, leaving me in a total panic. What does he know? What does he suspect? What does he intuit? What is just plainly what it seems? This has been driving me nuts ever since.

Fast forward thru the weekend to tonight. I'm comfortably ensconced in my favorite chair, sprained foot carefully elevated, catching up on new posts on EC as I hear my dear husbands snort in response to whatever it is he's reading on his phone. When I venture to make eye contact (there's not a whole lot of unnecessary conversation between us these days) he starts to tell me about the Daily Mail article regarding the illegality of homosexuality in the Gulf States.

He reads, "It’s illegal to be gay in 78 countries, with lesbianism banned in 49," then goes on to say, "so you're safe, I mean, lesbians are safe in 29 more countries."

:eek:

So to cycle back to my original question, am I being paranoid, transparent, or just reading far too deeply into otherwise innocuous comments?

 

Dragonbait-Sounds like your son is an awesome kid! Maybe he quietly picked up on something and wants to let you know its ok. He probably just wants you to know he knows but as a teen boy no discussion-details on topic needed! That's my guess. Just give him a big hug!

---------- Post added 8th Oct 2013 at 12:34 AM ----------

It's 3am...brain missed a couple essential sentences in your post.
I don't think your paranoid. This is a tough one! Kinda sounds like husband is hinting he knows too. Think I read in another post of yours you are a 2 time Cancer survivor? After all that you being happy & healthy is I'm sure what husband wants for you. Whether they know or its all a co-incidence I'd take it as a sign to tell them soon.
Btw: BREATHE!!

---------- Post added 8th Oct 2013 at 12:37 AM ----------

- (*hug*)!

 

Rose27, thank you, I like to think he is, although every now and then that demon of teenage possession takes hold. Yikes! Certainly keeps me on my toes.

I don't think it could be an EC thing Lindsey, I've only ever logged on from my tablet or phone (both permanently set to private browsing) and frankly both are almost literally tethered to me. Never leave any room without them.

Chip - put me in high panic mode. (note to self - Rose said BREATHE!)

GW - nothing new of late. I've been working so much over the last few weeks that they've hardly seen me more than half an hour a day, so there's not much to go on. My son often comments on my facebook activism, but with work what it's been, I haven't been found on there in forever either, so why he'd bring it up now seems out of the blue.

Good point Bio, but neither spoke with anything other than a conversational tone. Son definitely just sounded like he was stating what he suddenly decided was a good idea. Although the husband may have had a slightly humorous (?not sure if that's the right description) tone?

Although to Choirboy's point, he didn't sound like he was saying it with any venom behind it. Didn't sound like some snide comment meant to sting, more like he was making an ironic observation. Which in the context of the article, it certainly was, even if he had not directed it at me specifically. But then CB brings up other points that have me vacillating. He had gone through a phase last winter/spring where he often threw out comments comparing me to Ellen DeG or asking about how many women hit on me or telling me another woman was "checking you out". He hadn't gone there in quite awhile though, so this also seemed out of the blue. But then again, as I've said, there's not been much small talk between us over the last couple of months, so he hasn't really had much opportunity for digs. Now, ruffling my feathers he does do - quite well - just about every time we do find it necessary to speak, so there's certainly no reason for him to go out of his way like this.

Annika, I guess we're equally surprised. Thought for sure that would have come up before. Anyway, backstory way too long to add to this already massive post, but suffice it to say that no, I am not out to anyone other than "Fred" (my psyD friend who failed to respond) and my hairdresser (who outed herself back at me in reply). Nope, with the husband I'm going the Greatwhale route of waiting until after the divorce is final and the dust settles. We had so many other problems that I hardly needed another excuse and he'd finally reached the point that he wanted out as much as I do, so I didn't want to throw any more fuel on the fire. It's been over a year since I told him I thought I was asexual, and somewhere around that same amount of time since we've had sex. (can't quite remember which came first there) By the time I started to consider that perhaps I wasn't entirely lacking a sex drive, but instead maybe just attempting to misdirect it, we had long since ceased all forms of physical contact, so I didn't feel inclined to bring it up.

And I think I'd have to dismiss your 2nd hypothesis of the generic third person - definitely not his regular manner of speech.

With my son I don't feel it is so much 'cover' as evasion. (allow me my delusions, please?) But I say this because I have been, for years, extremely outspoken on all issues of equality, acceptance and discrimination as they relate to the LGBQTA community - as well as for all religions, races and genders, so it's no different then what I've always espoused. And he's completely at ease with homosexuality - we have many LGBQ friends and family (and friends we've embraced as family) both adult and teen, male and female. I often think he seems more at ease when in their company than anyone's.

I don't know. The one on top of the other just blew my mind. I can't really say what their reactions would be if they did know - I've learned from the sharing of our divorce news (and my failed outing to 'Fred') that I'm pants at anticipating the reactions of others.

I just know myself, and that I'm not ready. I still am struggling personally with way too many issues to deal with this the way I want to, eventually, so I just have to find a way to fly under the radar in the meantime. Guess I'm just nervous, the husband has a tenacious way of forcing an issue no matter how much anyone else tries to ignore him or put up resistance. Frankly, I suspect that's why I married him. He is the Borg. :lol:

 

Dragon bait... Stop kidding yourself. They know. I agree with the guy above who thinks your husband is goading you. Your son is trickier. He may be feeling you out, but in general he knows where you stand on issues and is verbalizing his understanding of your beliefs-- that's a start. Your husband knows and is being passive aggressive. My husband points out women and asks " hey how about her?". He is not being nice. He is intentionally trying to make me uncomfortable. It's like a friend saying " I'm here for you, but I'm not sure so and so will be"-- this trick was used by my old best friend who dropped me like a hot stone when I didn't 'change back'. I want to tell you it doesn't matter.. Let it go... All of these are easy when you are not the one going home to a place thick with tension. And although the comments shouldn't matter and you should let it go... All I can say is I'm sorry. That totally sucks. I feel your pain.

 

Yossarian. I have to say, that every time I read one of your posts I learn something and hence come to respect you more and more. Thank you for offering your perspective here. And now that I've said that, I have to say thank you for the compliment regarding my son. I keep reminding myself that at 14, he's still a work-in-progress.

Regarding the husband. A much more difficult subject, mainly because the reason behind there not being much unnecessary verbal exchange between us for months is that we just can't seem to talk at all in a 'non-combative' manner. At least not without twice as much back-pedaling or apologizing or explaining. It's reached the point where I can't ask if he made coffee without it being interpreted as an accusation, insult or slander. And not to point the finger, I have to be clear, the same goes for him of me. I've lost track. But should he happen to ask me if I've done something,I immediately take it as him finding fault with me.

This is the cantankerous environment we're existing in, even before my sexuality comes into play. I can't begin to imagine what the effect would be should I come clean with my feelings. When I consider doing so, I try to think about how I feel about the potential reactions. And while I was paralyzed in saying that I wanted a divorce because of how it would affect our kids, when it comes to this, it's real fear. I honestly fear his reaction. It's not some vague fear for the future, it's a fear for his immediate response. And I just can't bring myself to go there.

He's never been physically abusive, and I'm no shrinking violet - I'm physically powerful and trained in self-defense. But he has an extremely explosive temper - even my old therapist asked me if I realized how mentally/emotionally abusive he is - and after 21 years of marriage, I can honestly say that in this, I am experiencing the very first time I honestly fear, and I mean not just nerves but honest to goodness fear, his reaction to a circumstance.

I just can't do it. I need the safety - of distance and closure - before I can even consider bringing this discussion to the fore. And I sure as hell can't do it while we're still stuck sleeping in the same bed.

---------- Post added 8th Oct 2013 at 11:54 PM ----------

Lovetoski - look at all you crazy East-coasters, up way too late! Is there some strange biometric atmosphere hovering there, giving you all insomnia? :icon_wink

Thank you, you really have probably nailed it, but I am living in that home thick with tension. Can't wait until the day I walk thru a front door that heralds peace. And I want you to know how much I appreciate your solidarity. That's what makes this place so magic. I know people here get exactly where I'm coming from. And not that I'd ever wish this on another person, it's still nice to know I'm not the only one in the world. Thank you. (*hug*)

 

Dragon bait -- in case you read my other post... I was not having my wacko tattoo placed... I work nights ... Thus the posts at all hours. As the Tim Hortons coffee guy said " sleep is the cousin of death". Night.

 

I don't work nights & no tattoos...(I do like looking at other people's tattoos) Since I came out been waking [email protected] be the "gay" hour. At least now I get real sleep before & after 3am wake up -for months it was wicked insomnia...

 

Well, in the case of the husband's comment, I asked who had published the article, he asked if I wanted him to send me the link, so in keeping with my old norm, I said yes, and posted it to facebook with one of my standard, "disgusts me" type comments, then went back to EC. Hoping that if I just went ahead doing what I've always done... well, you get the picture.

btw, Choirboy, just gotta tell you, you have this wicked habit of saying things that should send me spiraling into depression (Or... oh, dear) but somehow always end up making me laugh. Thanks. (*hug*)