Part of me can't believe that I even came to this website. I think just typing this out will help me put words to what I'm feeling because I seem to be confused right now. I guess I will start with a little background. I'm twenty-five and have been in a very committed and loving relationship with a man for the last five years. We recently moved into a small town where he started his phd program and moved away from my close friends in the city. I haven't met many people yet so I've been closed off from the rest of the world. There's no question that I've taken my frustration out on him and have been feeling down. The other thing is I haven't really been interested in sex with him lately. When we first started dating we would have sex all the time and it's slowly been getting less and less. Now it's virtually non-existent, maybe twice or three times a month. Anyways, I was watching Netflix the other day and I came across this movie called Kiss Me. Essentially it's a movie about a woman who is engaged to a man she's been dating for seven years, when she falls in love with another woman. What I found so compelling about the film is that I felt like it encompassed all the feelings that I would feel if it happened to me. Then I realized that I was wishing that it would happen to me. I was incredibly turned on by the sex scenes and I felt the confusion and turmoil that the main character felt upon finding herself attracted to another woman was real. I then watched all six seasons of the L word and a couple other lesbian films on Netflix. I am trying to figure out what this attraction means for me. It was two years ago that I first realized that I might not be totally straight. I was working in a bar with four lesbian co-workers and they all admitted that when they first met me they were sure that I was gay. Now I am not someone who believes in stereotypes and I always resented the fact that people who know what it's like to be judged would be so quick to judge me. There was one girl who we all joked was kind of a slut and had made out with every person who had worked in the bar. All except for me since I had a boyfriend. We drank a lot after work so this wasn't all that weird. She would hit on me and tease me, I think that she thought it was fun to make me squirm. Then one night, I got really really drunk and she was hitting on me and I realized, that I liked it. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to know what it would be like. I thought she was hot. This worried me for a little while until I remembered how my friend who was in charge of queers and allies explained sexuality. He always explained sexuality as a spectrum. No one is all one or the other. I figured that I might be bi, but I would never have to worry about it because I had already met my soul mate and he happened to be a man. Now I don't know. The feeling the I really wish that I could find out what it would be like to be with a woman is back. Maybe I'm missing a part of myself. What if I'm gay and just don't know it? I kind of wish that I could just kiss a girl that I liked to see if all of this is just a fantasy, but I can't because that would be cheating on my boyfriend. I really do still love him. We are best friends and have built a life together. I don't want to risk our relationship on a maybe. What if I'm bi and I'm still meant to be with him? Is this just a rough spot between us? Am I gay? Any advise would be much appreciated. Thanks
Hi there and welcome to EC! You've come to the right place for sure. Sexuality does fall on a spectrum or continuum. We're neither 100% straight or gay. It's also quiet common to be wondering about this now - at your age. Some of us took longer to figure out that we weren't living a life that truly suited us. And that may be the case for you too. I'm a firm believer that you don't need to try it to know that you would like it. I think you already know that answer. You're right in wanting to stay faithful to your fiance. He deserves that from you. I'm also quite certain that straight people don't agonize about whether or not they might be bi or gay. It probably doesn't enter their mind. They 'fit' in with society's expectations and norms, and they never have to give it much thought. They wouldn't feel a need to 'try it' to prove they don't like it. So what to do now? I always suggest counselling. Being able to talk to someone in person is extremely helpful. And to have that person be an unbiased professional is important - they can ask probing questions and help you explore how you're really feeling. In the end, only you can really figure this out. But talking it out here can certainly help. Good luck!
