Help Me Please

Hi Wrongway80! Welcome to EC. I read your post and thought, Wow. I am almost exactly where you are, but with one more kid and without the benefit of that distance and separate life. I can't imagine once having a taste of that, ever being able to give it up - I feel like after 21 years of straight marriage I've sacrificed enough already.

If I were in your shoes, there would be no question in my mind. Huh. What do you know, I am in your shoes, just a different size and guess what... there really is no question in my mind. I'm doing it. Doesn't mean it's easy, I'm struggling with the impact of it every single day, but for me, I know that it is absolutely the right decision.

You'll find that no one here can tell you what decision is right for you, we can just offer our own stories and experiences, and tell you how what we hear from you sounds from the outside. And what I hear when I read your post is that you're already living your decision. Now you just need to let everyone else in on it. Good luck, and keep posting!

 

Welcome wrongway. We feel your pain and heartache. I too have two kids 16 and 11 and I feel like I owe it to them to stay. But it gets more difficult as time goes on. I think we all come here knowing what the right decision is. But it is just hard to put it in motion.

 

Welcome wrongway. I understand what you are going thru. Trying to make a decision and consume your every thought and almost paralyze your entire existence. I myself have 3 kids, came out to my wife several years ago and jumped back in the closet as soon as I told her. Needless to say the last few years have been a blur as there is really no connection between us and I walk around lifeless. As lostyrs said I think we all know what we need to do. I think we all need a little inertia to help us along. Only you know when the time is right but there are plenty here that will listen and support you.

---------- Post added 8th Oct 2013 at 08:18 PM ----------

Will* consume.

 

The last sentence of your thread is missing a word: "...and stay one big [happy] family."

This may be your best chance to add that missing word to your life...only you can decide what's right, but fairness to your wife is important too...

 

I like that GW. One big "happy" family.

 

Hi WrongWay80. I struggled with myself to eventually 'come out' to everyone in my 40's after years and years of excuses and procrastinations, and partial revelations... and I am single with no kids! I can only begin to understand how many times harder it must be for you and other ECers with all those other ties and considerations. I guess I realised I had to stop being so hard on myself and as is said so many times on EC - being true to ourselves, being authentic, at last facing the implicit shame and guilt around a fundamental part of who we are, is always worth. Even if it's a journey (rather than a one off event) and can be a rocky one, even if being true at last about one part of ourselves can release all sorts of other blockages we had hidden, in my experience it remains worth it a million times. Sending you support and empathy as you make these big decisions

 

It's hard to make other people happy if your not happy yourself.
I turned my sons life upside down in May. It was really tough on him this summer but he is more confident and happy now. He even said "Mom I 'm proud of my self" after a sporting event win.
I came out a couple of months sooner than planned but intent was the same.
I wanted him to know its ok to be who he is no matter what. To like whomever or whatever interests him and not care what other people think.
Coming out was scary but I had to face the fear to get to happy. I hope I'm setting an example that to get over a fear you have to admit it, face it and conquer it.

 

I tried that and it didn't work. I was prepared to stay miserable for the sake of the kids...but an unhappy parent is not a good parent, unless being distant, irritable and numb is what a good parent should be...

Your daughter loves you, she wants both you and your wife to be happy. It's a tough choice, I know, but playing a role instead of leading a life of integrity is a recipe for making things worse if you wait any longer.

Take it from me who's been there, it doesn't get better if the status quo remains.

 

You indicated that your daughter will be heading off after graduation, leaving just you and your wife. If you're talking about living a pretend life to keep your wife happy, you're definitely kidding yourself.

I can tell you from experience, you may be giving her the life she believes she's earned or is entitled to, but you're not making her happy. At best you're giving her some sort of bitter satisfaction. Do you believe that's the future she really wants?

 

The thing i picked up on here is being true to yourself. Your not just being true to yourself but also to your family. I didn't used to understand but now it has become clear how important it is to be true to your wife. Well girlfriend/ mother of my child in my case. I decided she deserve to know the truth about me and decide for herself if I could give her everything she needed.

 

I think that most men get socialized to believe that our purpose is to make others happy, to work ourselves until death and above all else, deny our needs. We get told that focusing on our needs is selfish. Don't buy into that. You are just as important as everyone else. While it is incredibly hard work, you can bring the conversation to the surface....work with the support of a couples therapist and figure out a future that acknowledges everyone's needs. I am doing "de-coupling" therapy with my wife of 39 years. It isn't easy. She is angry, scared, and very pessimistic about her future. There are regular attacks on me, and all gay people coming out of her mouth...but at least I know who she is and what she believes, as a result. It clarifies that staying with her is only going to yield more verbal assaults and homophobic rants. Pushing the conversation into the light of day can be very revealing.

 

Taking care of one's needs at that most basic level... sexual desire and where you find the kind of affection that fills your heart and recharges your life--is not selfish. You sound like someone who cares about your family, your daughter and wife and, understandably don't want to cause them pain. But what they need--what anyone needs from those close to them--is someone whose heart isn't torn to pieces with conflicting desires. As time passes, it will only be more difficult for your wife to find another partner, if that is what she would like to do. In bringing this into the open, you may be able to give her freedom to find what she needs--and you can't give.
No one can tell you what is right for you in your place--I certainly can't. But there is nothing cruel or selfish in being honest about this.
I wish you strength and courage--and may you find the kind of love that will fill your life with what you most desire.

"Sooner murder an infant in its cradle, than nurse unacted desires" Blake

 

Thank you for sharing this with us, we are here so post often if you have to, these will no doubt be difficult days.

You have chosen to live with integrity, guilt is normal, it's part of what repairing things is about. You have been "without them" already, in a sense: the lack of intimacy with your wife, the distances between you and your family...that is not necessarily physical separation, but separation nevertheless.

I wish you all the best in the coming days, you are not alone, post often!

 

You have not ripped the family apart. You have told them something about yourself, and about your needs. If the family rips apart as a result, it is *not* your doing...it will be *their* reaction to your information...to your truth. The truth is never guilty...it just is. And it is so much better than the alternatives.

So you have done something that *cannot*, by its nature, be wrong!

Strength to you!! *hugs*

---------- Post added 29th Nov 2013 at 04:30 PM ----------

Surely you're not telling them that you never want to see them again, right? Surely you still love your daughter, and still care for her, still want to be part of her life? Surely not every moment of the years with your wife have been agony that you've been lying through?

This is all fresh to them, whereas you've been agonizing through it for a long time...when they (particularly your daughter) realize that this is about finding a way to let *everyone* be happy (rather than everyone being unhappy), that's when the corner is turned. If you can help them get there, so much the better...but for now, perhaps it will just take some time until they're ready to receive that information.

 

Give them time to process. It wasn't something you just came up with, they will need time to understand their own feelings and yours. It might seem hopeless now, but have faith that the strong bond you have with them will come through with love... Being honest with the people you love is the right thing to do, though not easy....hugs to you.