Hey all- Do you feel like being married tanked your sexual self-esteem? Think part of the reason Im avoiding lesbian social/support groups is that I might actually meet someone. Please no one quote me on my post about facing fears... One day I'm feeling confident & ready. Today I'm thinking I should get a house, a couple of big dogs, focus on raising my son and not even think about a social life. Been posting more to get myself unstuck. Trying to write myself out of bad mood but grumpy winning. The husbands Spring remark (mind F) about his fear that I will end up alone after walking away from a good thing is nagging me. Yes hard as I try to tune it out some days I can't. :help:
I get you...I'm still waiting to be "miserable in my crappy little apartment"...it hasn't happened yet (pisses her off something fierce).
What, just sexual? lol In my case, I finally was able to face being gay because I had recovered just enough self-esteem to realize how low I had allowed myself to sink. I think my bigger concern is that I tend to be something of a chameleon and a people-pleaser, and I have come to realize that I need to work on that before I jump into any new relationships. I allowed myself to become my wife's shadow for the past 20 years. That could happen as easily with a guy as it did with her if I don't work on it.
No- all self esteem Choirboy -cant edit thread heading ---------- Post added 9th Oct 2013 at 07:32 AM ---------- I hate that I became one of those "yes" wives after first few years to avoid arguments which weren't really arguments because husband would just say "I'm a dick" and not speak to me for a few days. I wanted a divorce a month after our son was born but did not have any options then. I was also afraid he would get custody and son would be raised more by his ultra conservative Catholic parents (who don't speak to me now & I'm not invited in thier house if I pick up my son there) Husband spent more time looking at internet porn the 1st 7 years of our son's life than w/his child. There is a quote "If you shout something loud enough & long enough people will believe it. " I created this illusion about him because everyone thinks he is so great so I convinced myself of that. That it was my fault.
I am really struggling with this same issue. Am I destined to be alone now? What woman would want someone with all my baggage? I was told that I make myself attractive. Going to school and getting a career that I'm passionate about makes me attractive. Being sure of myself and having my act together will go a long way in who I attract. I imagine it will be years before I am in a place to really be ready for a new relationship. I am toying with the idea of finding someone to have a little fun with, in the mean time, though. :icon_wink
Purely sexually, reading lesbian erotica, watching lesbian themed movies, and fantasizing about women - something I wouldn't let myself do when I was married to a man & trying to be straight- has put me in touch with my feelings for sure. And my weekend with my exgf was invaluable. We did not rekindle a relationship but we had a wild weekend in bed - which did wonders for my confidence. She was the first girl I ever kissed as a teenager and we had an on-again, off-again relationship for 5 years before I "turned straight." It is definitely not that I don't like sex (as with my exhusband)... I really like sex with a woman. I'm quite a sexual creature, as it turns out. Since my weekend with her, I've kissed another woman and gained the confidence to start online dating. Because I have a small child, the idea of a major relationship freaks me out a little. (And the insecurities about my financial situation make me think I'm totally undesirable to others). So I'm trying not to get weighed down in that. One day at a time, one date at a time. (It is easier said than done.).
Wow, I think this happened to me too. It was only after several months of therapy when I started feeling better about myself that I faced being gay again. I'm not sure that marriage tanked my self esteem exactly...it was low to begin with and several problems happened in my marriage that didn't help my self esteem...I don't know, I'll have to think about this some more. I think you should make yourself go to a support group, I mean, you're out and are dealing with the fallout from that. Connecting with others can only help you. If you're not ready to date keep it casual, focus on making friends. Don't give up your social life so you can focus on raising your son. You can do both and will likely be a happier and better mother for doing it. All mothers and fathers need time for themselves. That's part of living a balanced life. ---------- Post added 9th Oct 2013 at 12:05 PM ---------- Also, I get feeling confident and ready one day and not at all the next. I go through that too so I know how hard it is.
HopeFloats- Thanks. I've always known I was gay but back then men were gay women were lesbians. I grew up raised by a very homophobic mother who basically "beat the lesbian out of me." I separated romantic feelings for women from sexual ones until late 20's but did not date at all until I met my husband at work. he was a nice guy, A handsome muscley "prop". Got pregnant....got married. Then I met a woman last year (strait) that totally flipped the on switch on the sexual attraction,sexual fantasy imagination... Never came even close to feeling that way about the husband. I feel like I've never had sex before. I know I am a very sexual being but I'm a lesbian a little afraid of women. Lindsey23- Thanks I know I need to get out. I have always taken care of everyone else so just learning to take care of me. gw As always thanks EC Bro. (&&&)
Choirboy, sounds like you've been digging around in my head. (crazy place, isn't it?) Honestly, the thing that finally got me to stand up and take action was having finally recognized myself for what I had become and was horrified. I got out of that, but agree, I need to make sure I embrace the confidence in me to never allow that to happen again! Pretty high on my list for that new therapist. ---------- Post added 9th Oct 2013 at 05:30 PM ---------- OMG, Rose, we were living mirrored lives! Ours weren't arguments because he would yell and rant and belittle and I would just leave the room. Confrontation completely paralyzes me. And I can't remember enough detail to know if it was one month or two after my first son was born that I picked him up and walked out of the house. Got less than a mile to the nearest park and sat on a swing with that baby boy in my arms, just crying my eyes out because I thought I didn't have any options then either. ---------- Post added 9th Oct 2013 at 05:31 PM ---------- LOL. You too, huh? Just make sure it's not your therapist before you hit the send button! :badgrin:
:roflmao: fun. What's that? Dragonbait- (*hug*) I know if things had not happened the way they did other really good stuff might not have. I loved my son from the moment I knew I was pregnant. That was a few days after getting back together after breaking up w/his father. I never believed in getting married just because of pregnancy but that is what I did. And of course convinced myself that was not the reason... On coming out day this Fri- I want to do something fun. Suggestions?
I'm not married, but I live with my boyfriend and our kid. He's one of those religious-zealot-except-when-he-wants-sex types. He wasn't always, but the past few years he's gone off the deep end. And when he wants sex, he's like a five-year-old who wants a cookie (or the kid in that German condom commercial that came out a while back). He won't back down until he either gets what he wants, or we're screaming at each other. Usually the latter. I think that's one reason I've been more sexually attracted to women than men as of late. I just get tired of feeling like a glorified toaster. So yes, my relationship dampers my sexual self-esteem. To counter that, I think I might come out to a friend Friday too. I need to feel in charge of that part of myself again.
