My wife and I work together:bang:... Enough said right. She tells me today that another manager (male who's mouth always gets him in trouble) and her were talking about all the purses my wife has and that he never buys his wife any. She told him I always buy her purses Dooney & Bourke and shoes. He asked her if I had a lot of shoes. She said yea kinda but I have a boxer brief collection always buying them. He said yea I thought he would he has fem qualities about him. Then she tells me that I sometimes have a high voice when I get nervous and kept going. ( I know my nervous voice and always hated speeches). I was offended and mad and said well you know what I am GAY. She said ok I handed her my ring. Then she walked out the door laughing. She thought I was kidding. Even knowing I am bi for last 11yrs. We even had 2 3somes about 4 yrs ago with another bi guy for both of us. I just don't get it. She was in denial after me telling her I was Bi. We use to play a game "would ya" we would see a guy we thought the other might like and asked "would ya" but all that changed years ago. Then I found out the other month she thought I was over all that "stuff". While I am at it. Really opening up here today. One moment she talks about wanting more kids and stuff. Then next minute she cant trust me and wants to split up. We do everything together and never have a single moment alone. If I even tried to do something its impossible. I went to my moms with my kids over the 4th without her and was accused of cheating because I was 45 mins late leaving the fireworks. Don't even get me started on her with my family. As you can see there is more problems then just me being gay. :help:Now I won't see her until tonight when she comes home. I know she knows its true. Why does she make a joke about it? What do I do now when she comes home?
Yup! I not sure who I married. Thought he was this nice guy. My best friend. It's kind of gut wrenchingly painful realizing being gay wasn't the biggest secret. It was the subtle and later not so much emotional abuse/neglect. I always felt lonely even in the same room with my husband. I never felt wanted in anyway. I went over a decade without hearing "I love you" Never a compliment. When he said "I'm still here arn't I?" I accepted that as enough. ---------- Post added 9th Oct 2013 at 08:12 AM ---------- Lostyrs77 -forgot -(*hug*)
To lighten the moment...I had to laugh a little. I have a drawer with like 30 pair of boxer briefs. A color for every shirt I guess. Ha! My wife asks me all the time if I wear 3 pair at once since there are so many. (ok, now I'm telling too much) This 3some you said was for you and her. Did she witness an act between you and him? (hope I'm not being too personal) I once had a lady tell me "what women wouldn't want to be married to a gay guy. They know how to dress, groom, in touch with feelings, can relate with women more, etc..." Possibly there is more truth to that then I originally ever thought. The only problem with this thought process is I think at the end of the day they struggle with the "reality" of it. Maybe that is what is going on here. She's ok with it until she really stops to think about it. Joking may be her defense mechanism. Possibly telling her in a more serious environment might help you. Personally, if you can muster up the strength I think you are in a good position to lay it all out for her.
Sorry that happened Lost. Took my girlfriend 15 mins to figure out I was not joking. Sounds like your wife should be farther along by now. Not sure exactly what to tell you. Your half inside half outside the door right now. If your ready come on thru.... but it doesn't seem like you are prepared to end your relationship. She right there and insecure about your relationship because deep down she knows. I think that is where the jealousy comes from. I know I came to a point where I knew I could be in the closet no longer and still be happy. I also realized that I was not being fair to my GF by being in a relationship where she did not know. My girlfriend is owed the right to decide if I can give her all she deserves. I cannot tell you what to do. We are here for you. Good luck
Several of us here have talked about spouses with borderline personality disorder, and how difficult it is to deal with people whose moods and needs can switch so rapidly, and how the very things that they might have apparently liked about us at one point in the relationship become the things that they suddenly and inexplicably hate us for at other times. My wife is utterly dependent on me for some of the most random things, like changing light bulbs, online banking access, pumping gas etc. That in itself is not that weird--every couple does things like that--but what is strange is how she alternates between that complete dependence, and absolute fury at me for not "sharing" the information with her, which in fact I have, repeatedly. She also accused me over and over about having an affair with someone at work, despite the fact that she keeps my time so completely booked that any "affair" would have to be a quickie en route to the grocery store, and she calls me at work with every thought that pops into her head. And because of her hoarding tendencies, I certainly couldn't bring anyone over to the house. Every now and then I see flashes of the person I loved years ago, and just as often I see the very hurt and damaged person (alcoholic father, harsh and distant mother, date rape survivor) who I wanted to give a better life, but who has stepped on all my attempts, as if she wants to drive me away and then paint herself as the victim of yet another uncaring person in her life. And I see the self-destructive tendencies that have never gone away, but my presence has been a small thread that has held them more in check (barely) than if I was NOT in her life. In some ways coming out to her was much less of a big deal than I expected, and she has taken it very calmly. But I'm realizing that's because she has enough probems and our marriage is messed up enough that my being gay is, amazingly, much less significant than the other issues.
Not to diminish the very real need in your thread, lostyrs, but by the time on the clock, I'm thinking any advice I may offer is a day late and a dollar short anyway, so I'll share my other thoughts raised by this thread. First - have you all seen that youtube video that was popular while SCOTUS was out on DOMUS, Approve Same Sex Marriage or Gay Guys will Marry your Girlfriends? The comments here about gay men making better husbands reminded me of it. Also reminded me of the comments a good (straight) friend was fond of making around the time we were all matching off and getting married... He could never understand why all women weren't lesbians, they're all soft and cuddly and smell so much better than men and don't have all that nasty hair... he'd go on ad infinitum, listing all the things about women that he thought were so much better than men. Now that I think back on it, he did have a very valid point! :lol:
Lostyrs77... Don't you wonder why she assumed you were kidding? I think it's obvious. She needs you.. Or something from you to validate herself her life her choices her bank account.. She NEEDS you, thus she cannot admit you are gay. If you are gay she is out, and since that's not an option.. You are not gay--duh.
Lostyears... here's some insight that might help. At the risk of offending a whole bunch of people... for whatever reason, it seems that a significant number of the women who fall in love with, or end up marrying, gay men, have similar attributes. The "fag hag" stereotype exists for a reason. Of course, there are plenty who don't fit the stereotype, but in your case, I think what you've got is someone who is really needy and doesn't have good self esteem, so in a way, the marriage (and smothering/24-7 relationship that goes with it) is a way of avoiding her own lack of self worth/self esteem. So denial would be very likely. She knows, and maybe now you've pierced the denial, but that doesn't mean it will be easy getting from where you've been to where you need to be. So if you haven't already, I think now that the elephant is out of the room, it's important to just start talking authentically. The hard part is going to be standing your ground, because if I'm correctly assessing her from the tiny bit you've said (and I very well may not be), then she probably has shitty boundaries and is going to have a really hard time actually accepting this. Remember the 5 stages of loss (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance) and expect she'll go through them. If she does, in fact, have poor boundaries, expect that she will pull out every possible stop she can (guilt, anger, threats, threatening self-harm) to keep you engaged in the relationship. You can help her through the transition, but you should do so with boundaries; encourage her to get a therapist, but don't do the work. Encourage her to talk but insist she respect your boundaries. Unless she wants to, you don't have to talk about the long-term game plan right now; instead, I'd focus on doing your best to be her friend and remind her you care about her even if you can't love her in the way she deserves to be loved. And then, after she's had time to adjust a bit, you can start unraveling what needs to be unraveled (home, business, finances, etc.)
