The gay "me"

I understand where you are coming from. Tho I am only out to a few people and trying to work thru years of marriage and kids, being honest with myself has definitely been a process I'm still working on. Sometimes not being honestly is the road with the least resistance. If I can come out and as you say "feel something" then I'll gladly take some resistance. It's hard to know to what extent the damage is from living a lifetime of repression. Luckily there is still time to try and fix it. Sounds like you have at least discovered the root of the problem and possibly how to fix it. Wish you the best!

---------- Post added 10th Oct 2013 at 02:43 PM ----------

Sometimes not being honest*

 

Yep, I'm working hard on the honesty and integrity route. It's amazing how often during a day I will think, "if only they knew my true self". But... I must only tell people when I'm ready... And only if I decide they need to know. I've started the process of being honest with myself and I should be proud of my self.

 

Yes. Although it seemed painful and hard at the time (and oh the knots I tied myself in) coming out to pretty much everyone over the last few years in retrospect has been the easy bit.
Coming out to myself has been much the harder part.
Facing my own internal homophobia, realising and releasing the years of shame and guilt I had locked away, seeing how I compensated so cleverly for that same shame and guilt in a myriad ways in how I interacted and behaved. So much of which was to stop people seeing the real me!
Like you the most liberating thing - which has happened more subtlety and deeply than the little melodramas of 'coming out' to people - is at last seeing the true, authentic me - the gay me - behind all this stuff.
So being gay means I find men attractive (easy), so that means when i see an attractive man then I should feel joy and pleasure not shame and unworthiness (difficult).
So celebrating my true sexuality as part of the incredible human being I am means actually stepping out from behind all those masks and saying what is true and not running away from all those blockages or lies - but letting them be and letting them go.
Still very, very hard and many days pass where I forget the amazing advances I have made. Old habits die hard. But then there are moments of energy of calm of freedom when I know the new journey is the right one.
Here's hoping you continue to let the light shine on your darkness...

 

Numb sucks. You are not alone. I have begun to feel the tingles of returning sensation too, and it takes my breath away sometimes.

When I allowed myself to finally, honestly and without repression admit to myself in July that I'm gay, it was an electric shock. Since then, I've felt sexual attraction consciously for the first time in my entire life. The jolt of adrenaline without the nasty after effects.

Yes, I've been living my life in a 3rd person video real since my childhood. It began not with orientation, but with divorce and a scared little kid who learned by 4 to behave one way at one house and another way at another house just to be safe. I barrier my emotional self in my first closet well before puberty. I was numb by the time of its arrival. I have always lived to other's expectations, many of my own creating, and it has nearly destroyed me and my family.

I have been mad at myself in this process too. My anger, and horror, came soon after I came out to myself when I realized that I could not answer the question "what do I want?" I have never really asked this. I had goals and accomplished them according to the standards of others.

Now I realize I know exactly what I want. What I've always wanted. What some part of me always knew. I'm gay. I want to fall in love. I don't want to be alone and I want to be with a guy who likes me for who I am. I am still working on what that is. What do I really like? What do I think about something as apposed to the right, non-confrontational, appropriate answer. It takes time; but StellarJ1, I think you are moving in the right direction.

 

Wow. Its amazing, I can't even be honest about being honest to myself. Here I thought I had it all figured out. I had gotten past all the lies I told myself. That I had accepted my sexuallity sometime ago, felt little shame about it. I just chose to keep it a secret for my career. When I read this it floored me because just recently I have allowed myself to look at a feel the attraction to the sexy shirtless men running in town. I am just now realizing the shame if feel doing so. Wow.... I have been feeling shameful. I thought I was so self aware. Thanks guys I needed that.

 

My denial is like an onion. I peel one layer back only to expose a deeper layer. I've played straight-acting for so long that I still feel self-conscious about watching a hot guy.

 

I have heard of alcoholics and others dealing with life issues talk about the onion and peeling back the layers. Never really understood until now.

 

Yes! (!)(!)(!)(!)(!)

 

If it makes you feel any better, when I'm in the presence of a hot guy I blush, loose all control of any sort of reasonable ability to speak and generally look like a confused 12 year. Puberty 2.0 I suspect.

Acting is acting, and when the play and real life get so confused it can take time to realize that you are still in costume. My inner queer is bursting at the seems to get out, so I've decided to let it shine as much and as often as I can. I'm sure it must be a spectacle for those around me to see, my "gayness" radiating from beneath my hetero-camoflage. That's OK, just gets me closer to being able to change my wardrobe.

 

Although I'm not really out to the general public, since I'm still married somewhat indefinitely, I have found myself acting more and more flamboyant and putting on less and less of a straight show, and the strangest thing has happened. Guys who are utterly, completely straight and do not set off my gaydar even slightly, are being friendlier to me than they used to. It's almost as though my faux straightness was more unsettling to them than my standard flakiness. Who would have thought?

 

Completely relate to everything you are saying palimpsest, I came out to myself in August and I'm facing ver similar experiences. I've been latching on to close friends too but I have such finely tuned straight acting abilities that I was always careful not to get too dependent. Despite that I've had countless crushes over the years, I am sure it was obvious to loads of these people. As I've started to come out I realise that there is a whole world of sexual attraction in which I will instinctively scan a group of people and pick out hot men even if they aren't directly visible I will often get an urge to look around and gay men 'give me the look' there is a whole world of human experience I've been completely ignorant of.

Even exploring this aspect is exciting for me I work in a university and love walking around checking people out... Adolescence must have been so fun.

I've been numb my whole life... So confused that I just did what I felt was right according to what I was told I was too confused to know what I wanted. I could never get a girlfriend at least one that I liked so my career has basically been built upon the idea that if I have a good job then I will find the right woman and get married. So now not only am I looking at my sexuality but also my professional life with new eyes. It is quite liberating as I really don't like my job but felt it would get me a girlfriend.

Now that I have a much better idea of sexual attraction I am starting to notice loads of girls that give me the eye or get to know me a little bit but it is very apparent to them that I'm not sexually interested very early of course I was completely ignorant of all this. I simply don't notice women at all they are basically invisible to me when walking down the street but sometimes I'm a little bit attracted briefly and that was enough to keep me in denial for so long.

I have really felt my whole life that I have so much to give but anytime I let this part out I immediately suppressed it with my anti gay conditioning that was built into me through childhood bullying. I am trying to remove this and be natural, and this is making me feel much better it is very hard to know even who the real me is.

 

I've started wearing an earring again. It's a nice ordinary hoop. I've also started wearing more colorful clothes and sometimes gesturing more. It's feeling more natural. Do I dare get a manicure and polish? I'm still shopping for a rainbow article.

 

Eerie at first, isn't it, to realize your own story has been lived by so many other people. If we'd all only known.

Puberty 2.0 so far is crazy fun. All the more interesting to me because, technically speaking, I've not even done anything with this new true me yet. I am amazed at just feeling anything as strong as sexual attraction, it is potent, overwhelming and feels so damn good. Holy crap, where was it my whole life.

I've noticed, really noticed, maybe 4/5 girls my entire life, including the one I'm married to. I don't think I could count the number of guys I notice, especially now that I am allowing myself to NOTICE them, any given day.

As to natural, I remember being much happier when I was younger. A bit of a nerd, geeky and always wanted to help people. I've become withdrawn and generally a dick. So, I don't know what natural is, because I'm right there with you on the bullying too, but I have to think it has a lot more with the way I was than the way I am. Since the fuel that keeps me numb and robs me of joy and therefore turns me into a monster is essentially an elaberate set of walls and boundries, I guess for me at least, I begin by letting go. Go a bit (!) and see what happens next.

---------- Post added 11th Oct 2013 at 05:50 PM ----------

My middle brother recently got married. I had the honor of performing the ceremony. My wife went up for a pedicure, etc. She's trying to drag me up there so that I can in the hands of the nice men running the salon. Could be worth it, no?

 

The experiences that we "later in lifers" share here all have their uniqueness, but I think the common thread running through all of them is how accepting ourselves gives us such a new and incredible sense of vitality. We lived our lives for years, decades, without realizing how numb and shut down we were. Coming out doesn't automatically make us whole or take away our fears and anxieties and frustrations and baggage, but it gives us a reason to work through them that wasn't there before, and the energy to try. It's really a pretty amazing gift.

 

Here is a weird little rabbit hole I've found in myself. I've always shied away from conflict, by product of my childhood. Aggression for me has always been an instant out of bounds. I've avoided it and rarely let myself be angry with someone in real time.

Suddenly I realize, that with my sexuality coming online, I see that there is a positive side to aggression. I'll be darned if it is not located dead center in the middle of sexuality. This is the going after what you want. The knowing of what you want, and part of that is really bound up in who you want to be with and just how far you are willing to go to get him.

Numb is all f:***:up! There is a pathway out. Part of that is facing exactly what you want.

Another interesting little trip for Alice. I have known deep down what I wanted and I set off a monumental clash of the titans religious war within me. It was not the standards of others that really killed me, it was not listening to my own inner voice that knew what he wanted. Silencing myself has done more harm than listening to the nuttiness of others.

Yes, there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Yes, it is likely colorful and really different than anything any of us in this situation are really used to. But in that rainbow space, there is feeling.

So smack the the feeling back into your legs, warm up and sprint! I, for one, will be running just as fast as I can right alongside of you.

 

Update: I've asked to get a manicure but the woman that gives them has been treating it like a joke. It seems like the only way to get one is to make a big fuss in front a of a bunch of senior women that are also getting manicures. It's funny how I'm reluctant to come out to them.