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sorry for lurking

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by palimpsest, Oct 10, 2013.

  1. palimpsest

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    Hello everyone. Since this is my first post I thought I'd begin with a confession. I've been lurking about since stumbling across EC in mid-July.

    My journey out begins, at least for this conversation, with an uncomfortable moment of friction between my wife and I in mid-June. She kind of cornered me about a strange conversation she remembered from back when we were dating. I sat her down one day and told her "I'm not sure what I am, I might be gay, I don't know." She asked me how that was going. Not that she hadn't tried a few times in the past to try and see if our marital downward spiral was associated with that uncertainty (and a few other things she'd discovered about me along the way). It seems she was seeing me better than I was allowing myself to see me. For whatever reason, the restraining wall broke, I cried, and it all began.

    I know I entered my marriage with a clean conscious and love. I only now realize that that love was rather incomplete for both of us. Missing some critical elements that have only registered loudly, clearly and queerly to me recently.

    Strangely, we are now closer than we've ever been; even though we are talking about the time when we are no longer married and have each moved on. We want to do in the best way for us and for our kids.

    So why lurk about? Well, we were preparing to move back to the States from Europe. I really didn't know what I wanted to do. Still, for a while there, still didn't "want" to be gay. Was realizing that I had not been living in one closet, but several. Too much, too fast. Oh, yes, and dealing with the necessity of a career change. I know that I am not unique in the married, father and gay category; but as I do seem to get caught up in a bit of drama from time to time; I'll add that I am also a pastor in a rather conservative church body. Exit strategies and careers moves pending, caution as to not be caught in the middle of a scandal for my family's sake is still a high priority.

    Yet, religiously, I came to EC. Thanks to all of you in this particular forum for helping a stranger smile, find courage and come to terms with exactly what I want! In fact, some part of my no longer partitioned personality realizes that I have always know what I want, just not how to reconcile it with the way my life went.
     
  2. Chip

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    Hi,

    Thanks for taking the time to post. We know that we have about 15 times as many readers as we have posters, and so it's always nice when one of the "lurkers" comes forward and lets us know that they're benefiting from the community.

    I hope you'll stick around, now that you've started posting... and post more frequently :slight_smile:
     
  3. greatwhale

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    Welcome to EC, palimpsest!

    From time to time, some of you "lurkers" appear into the forums and then tell us that we've had some influence on what they were doing and thinking about their lives. It's really nice and interesting to hear that.

    I hope your "outing", as it were, from the land of the lurkers into this forum is the beginning of your own emancipation!
     
  4. Choirboy

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    Glad you have made the move from lurker to member!

    I think that most of us came here looking for some kind of help, validation, support, whatever. But sometimes the most gratifying surprise is the realization that we are really not alone, and there are others in even more need of support than we are, and in supporting them, we learn more about ourselves.

    There's a funny series of soaringly motivational pictures, with wryly grim captions, like a sinking ship with the observation that "It could be that the purpose of your life is to serve as a warning for others". I feel that way sometimes! But my twisted journey, and those of countless others here, have followed similar and different paths, and it's so very comforting to know that we're not alone. Your thoughts could make a difference in the bad day of someone thousands of miles away, whom you will never meet, but who needed a pat on the back, a deep thought or a good laugh. But as a pastor, you probably know that already. So feel free to put your thoughts down! You're among friends, and friends who NEED friends. Welcome!
     
  5. penguin machine

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    Welcome Palimpsest, you are very courageous and I have a lot of admiration for what you're doing. I am very pleased to hear that the new dynamic you have with your wife is superior in some ways to what was present before, I experienced the same thing when I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years to come out. Mostly now I get phone calls about her boy troubles, but being on the outside of her relationships has given me a lot understanding, and I'd say we're far more co-operative and familiar than we were while dating.

    I hope you continue to post and join in the discussions :slight_smile: Welcome!
     
  6. Lindsey23

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    I'm so glad you joined! I was also a "lurker" for a short while before joining. At first it's like, "gosh, do I really belong here?" but then you see yourself in more and more stories and it's hard not to join in.

    My husband and I are also closer than before I came out to him. It is strange but I think the openness and honesty has really helped us communicate. We had both shut down emotionally before that so in an odd way it did help our relationship. I don't know where we're going from here but we keep talking and are taking it one day at a time. Good luck in your journey.
     
  7. bassmaster

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    Welcome Palimpsest! Great to see you decided to join us. There are allot of great people here and know you are not alone. I imagine we all did some "lurking" to some extent. I know I did. Opening up like this to an unfamiliar group is a big step.

    I can relate with your situation in many ways....from marriage, kids, etc..
    I came out to my wife several years ago but jumped back in the closet just as fast. I think I have been out to myself since the day I told her. So having to repress those feelings once again has proven to be more then I want to handle. Being honest with our spouses I think naturally brings us closer together but I don't think it's the closeness we are searching for. For me it's a temporary relief. The heart just wants what it wants. The desire to live open, honest, truthful, true to who you are. The ability to love without having that feeling of something is "off"
     
  8. palimpsest

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    Good morning everyone! Thanks for your responses, a great way to start me day.

    I only have a minute to jot something down before my work day begins, but wanted to say, this is what I needed this morning; because yes, the commonality that I've read in stories and experiences, pain and hope have been absolutely strengthening to me. It is such an odd that I finally can relate to stories where I don't feel like I'm on the outside of humanity looking in. Where dare I say, I can begin to feel normal. I had my first taste of that back in Europe hanging out with some close friends who happen to be a gay couple, walking down the street realizing that others see what I see, and are confident enough to say out loud what my carefully sidelined internal voice was screaming to say inside my head.

    In short, it is good to not be totally alone. So I don't intend to lurk and wander off again. I was partially waiting for the time when my move and crazy schedule would normalize enough that I could sit down to participate.

    Thanks again!
     
  9. ClosetedFather

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    Welcome to our community Palimpsest. Please feel free to share more. I am sure there are some more "lurkers" and members in here that would benefit from you and your situation. Isn't amazing how we seem to relate to everyone's story in one way or another
     
  10. palimpsest

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    Yes it is. It is strangely comforting in fact. Especially for me, because I am still quite gay in the abstract, meaning, I've been a good little christian boy and have only "known" my wife.

    Of course, I have no intention of letting that hold sway for to long and I expect to become something of naughty boy when opportunity, and my courage, arrive in the same space at the same time. But alas, I'm not there yet.

    Yes, we relate. Then, I think, we realize that even for those of us who have been play acting, living on the outside looking in, hiding, or whatever; actually have a space and a community that makes complete sense. Point in fact, we are not actually alone. The trick is then to loose the isolation. That begins by not lurking longer than necessary.
     
  11. Dragonbait

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    Welcome! I knew I saw a new name in some of the threads. Thanks for posting your story., it's a good way to get to know you. And now, thanks to you, I have learned from Chip that EC has exceptionally large closets of its own where a multitude of lurkers hang out! Who knew?

    So congrats on your coming out of EC's closet. I hope being here helps you come out of your own!
     
  12. palimpsest

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    Dragonbait, being here helps me sane will I continue on the road. It is such a relief to get the stuff out of my head. Helped me have a stellar day yesterday. Looking forward to many more of those.