Greetings folks, Got a call this afternoon from my younger son (11) he was distraught and wanted to tell me that the older of their two cats, the one who had been suffering from diabetes (and old age at 18 years) needed to be put down today because he was suffering too much. My son is very sensitive. He loves, and I mean loves, animals. This cat has been in the family since before the kids were born. This cat would frequently cuddle with my son every night...it's just a very sad day for him. My son's rabbit died a few months ago, unfortunately he discovered it, then the separation, and now this. He really is coping, and grieving properly, if one can ever do this properly. Well, my wife decided to interrupt this conversation, just as he was about to tell me what happened, she decided to warn me, in a voice dripping with contempt, that our son is very distraught and that I'd better not fuck it up. She's always been a class act. Of course, she said this while my son was there, so now he had to defend me in front of her, telling her that I knew what to say and that she didn't need to tell me what she did. When he got on the phone again, he was even more upset, and now angry...I did what I could to sympathize with him, we talked about the cat, and we talked about how it was a necessary thing to do so that he wouldn't suffer. My son agreed and he really kept his composure. I am very proud of him and I told him it was OK to cry. I have absolutely no illusions about she-whose-name-I-shall-not-utter, but it's amazing anyway how a person can get so twisted with hate and contempt that she couldn't care less what effect this is having on the kids. Strengthens my resolve even more to get a fair deal and to fight for my rights as a father.
greatwhale, you did right by your son. Yes, this is way too much to deal with at one time for any child of any age. Yes, it does sound as if your son is handling it really well. And no, what she said in front of him was really not cool. I am a divorced kid, looking at becoming the father of divorced children. Parents fighting in front of each other sucks. Especially when it is one sided because, you would think, it could just be avoided and dealt with differently. Unfortunately I always had defend each of the in front of the other. Children of divorce are resilient. What matters most, and what I wish I'd had, was a dad who was fully engaged with me all the way through, not just on weekends, and a mom who let me have a dad (my parents split when I was 3, divorced by 4, both remarried by 5). I was over sensitive, I am beginning to think that may have had more to do with why I'm on EC than their divorce. In either case I shut it off. Telling him it is OK to cry was a great move. Allow him to feel and be open, even if it breaks your heart. Vent in here, with us. Allow him to say things that make your blood boil, and let your wrath fly across our screens. Find a fair deal, be present for your son, that alone is the greatest gift you will give him. One that will allow him to continue to grow into maturity with strength and integrity.
Wow. I'm a major cat person. I have four total, and I'm dreading the day I have to face losing one of them. I am so, so sorry for your son's (and your) loss. I hope you both get through this. and that it brings you even closer. Although he shouldn't have had to, I think it's fantastic that your son stood up and defended you, even while being upset himself. It sounds like you've done a great job as a dad.
(*hug*)greatwhale -I'm so sorry for your loss. I have a 16 1/2 year old cat that is my best friend. Your kids are blessed to have you as a Dad. If I write anymore I will cry. (*hug*)
Aloha, GW I am really sorry to hear about your cat; you must have been attached to it too! And I am saddened by what you have to go through with something as basic as communicating with your son. Just take in a deeeep breath and keep telling yourself, "BETTER DAYS AHEAD"! With much aloha, Milan
Thank you dear friends for your kind words, alohas, hugs and sympathies! I followed up with him this evening, he's fine now. I'm the one who's still angry...sigh... Better days ahead, better days ahead!
Being angry on behalf of your child's well-being is constructive anger. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Parents naturally want to protect their children from pain. You did good, GW.
Greatwhale, so sad that you all had to go through all that. I don't understand why significant events of any kind, good or bad, have to be hijacked by people who feel the need to use them to draw attention to their own pettiness and insensitivity. I've experienced similar things with my wife, and I understand how unnecessary and hurtful that behavior is. This experience will not diminish you in your son's eyes, that much is certain. But how sad that a grieving child would be forced to put aside his own sadness to defend the father he loves. What grim satisfaction it will give you over the years, as she begins to reap the relationship with your children that she has sown. Better days ahead, indeed.
As a mom who has had to console her 13 yo son when his best friend in the world, his "brother from another mother" (our family dog) left this world, all I can say is continue as you are. Put aside every negative emotion the psycho-beotch has inspired and focus on your son and his feelings. Neither you nor he will ever regret it. She'll have to live with her regrets for the rest of her life.
I do not have a cat but I imagine the loss of a pet is traumatic. I only deal in human loss (long career in critical care and emergency medicine) and I can tell you that sometimes the only thing that helps is letting a grieving person know they are not alone. (I think that is part of why we keep coming here??) That being said... Your ex wife sounds like a grade A bitch. Any adult who would use the grief of a child as a weapon is nothing short of disgusting. I'm sorry for you and I'm sorry for your son. Best.
I really appreciate your thoughts on this. She is definitely USDA Grade A. We have set the Settlement Conference I spoke earlier about, but it won't happen until February. Plenty of time for her to display more of these Hallmark moments from the Dark Side. I've been reading up on Machiavelli, and he noted something important: by all means seek to be cooperative, but don't be naïve, if your opponent is going to be bad, you'd better know how to be bad too. This little incident is just one more of already many arrows in my cross-bow quiver...
Just whatever you do, do NOT succumb to the vitriol when dealing with your son. Believe me, he WILL remember and he will carry it with him. Be the better parent! He will always love you for it!
Indeed DB, sometimes it's all I can do to keep my mouth shut when he's around. In my own moments of weakness I do see that it upsets him, and so I return to bitching in silence. This "holding it in" that I have to do must have some awful effect on my immune system...pumping up the stress Hormones...
Sorry to hear that. It must be tough for both sides. Losing a pet can be difficult, especially when it has been a constant right throughout your life. Sometimes it is a child's first experience and that can be hard for a parent. Thinking of you. Kia Kaha (Stand Strong)
