Hey there. I'll bet this story's all too familiar, but I don't have anyone to talk to and am looking for some feedback from anyone who's been in a similar situation. I identify primarily as a lesbian. I'm out to the majority of my friends, and to my husband as well. We've been married 18 years, and he's always known I liked women--I've had three serious girlfriends over the course of the marriage, though I don't right now. As the years passed, I've found myself more and more attracted to women and less and less to men (I never was physically attracted to them anyway; it was always a personality thing.) It had gotten to the point, a few years ago, where the thought of sex with guys was actively distasteful to me. I didn't tell my husband. I didn't deny him when he was in the mood, even though it was something I didn't enjoy; I've always figured, that's one of those things you do for your spouse even when you're not in the mood, with the expectation that they'd do the same. Sort of like other unpleasant chores that come along with a marriage--it's not all roses and butterflies. Then I took a sabbatical. I went sailing on a tall ship around the world for a year, something I'd always wanted to do. And the freedom was a revalation--I could be exactly who I wanted, do exactly what I wanted, and, well, not have to do what I didn't want. I'd never realized what a burden it had been. Waiting until he went to bed before I went upstairs; manufacturing excuses; lying about my period; all these things I'd taken for granted until I was free of them and realized how absolutely ludicrous my behaviour was. So over the course of the year I cropped my hair short, and began preferring workshirts and cowboy boots to skirts and dresses. Now I'm back, and I feel like I'm a different person, and I don't want to go back to who I was. Now that I'm back, I'm just not willing to have sex with guys anymore. I can't go back to that. And I haven't since I got back--3 months now. Just once, and it was really, teeth-grittingly awful for me. But I love my husband dearly. We're a great team. I don't want a divorce...I just don't want to have sex with him. I hate the thought of hurting him like this--especially since I don't have a solution. I've been turning it over in my mind, trying to find some way out of this. I'd be perfectly happy with a "companianate marriage", as the victorians would call it, but he deserves more than that. So, am I being selfish? Should I just hold my nose and deal with it, sleep with him once a month for the sake of a stable marriage? Or is it worth bringing up, even though there's no solution that will keep him from being hurt? Anyone else whose been through this, how did you deal with it?
After I came out to my almost ex he said he didn't want a roommate. I really tried do make it work for a few more months which was not good as I had lost 30+ lbs before coming out & he wanted to sleep w/me more. Damn nudist sleeping. It was a relief when I injured my knee/shoulder. Yup!!! ---------- Post added 11th Oct 2013 at 09:49 PM ---------- Forgot to say: Welcome Codegrrl!
Will he be hurt.... yes but will that last forever or just be a process? Does he deserve someone that can fullfill all of his needs? Will you be happy going back to the way it was? It appears your husband believes you are bisexual not lesbian. You don't need to protect him, he deserves to be able to make the decision on his own with all the information. Believe it or not he will have a life without you.
Welcome Codegrrl! This site, this forum, and the people here are a tremendous resource. A great place for information, consolation and camaraderie. And, depending on who might get involved in the conversation, potentially a few laughs as well. I hope you'll find what you need here at EC. Your story mimics mine in most ways, other than the 'sailing around the world' thing. Not really an option for me, as I'll get seasick on a porch swing. :eusa_sile But looking upon the marriage bed as a chore likened to cleaning toilets has been an issue with me since the wedding night. For me, the break point came about after a year without having sex with my husband. WHILE living together. I milked every excuse I could manufacture, until I finally told him that I believed I was asexual, had always been, and had no interest in faking it any longer. I wasn't manufacturing excuses at that point. I honestly had not considered the fact that maybe I was just looking at sexuality - or what I thought should be my sexuality - from the wrong perspective. But like you, once I finally took that stand, and stopped being a willing receptacle, I started to slowly begin to exert my true sense of self once again. Cut the rib-length hair super short, got a job outside the house, stopped indulging his every whim and started indulging a few of my own once in awhile. Another difference is that we were not a great team. We were like oil and water, or more accurately, whatever those two elements are that are completely harmless on their own, but when mixed together become highly explosive. But I was so averse to divorce that I stuck it out, for nearly 21 years. I can't tell you what to do, but my husband finally asked if there was any chance we'd ever find happiness together, and when I told him the truth, which was no, he wanted out. He wants an opportunity to be with someone that he can be happy with, and he deserves it. As cantankerous as our relationship has been, he still knows more about me than any other living being, he's been witness to the majority of the most difficult experiences in my life, and thanks to our two beautiful children, he will always be family to me. For all these things and more, I do love him, but not the way he wants to be loved. And if he stands any opportunity of finding the kind of love he wants, then I need to give him the freedom to pursue it. For us, that means divorce. There is no in-between for him, so that's what he'll get. Your spouse, especially if he deserves your love, deserves your honesty as well. If you can't give him all of you, your honesty is the least you can offer. Let him decide what to do with that. Once all the cards are on the table, let him decide what he can and cannot live with, a "Companianate Marriage", an open marriage, a polyamorous marriage, a room-mate scenario, separation, or divorce... there are so many possible permutations, you need to decide what is best for the two of you, but you need to include him in the decision. If you truly love him, doesn't he deserve at least that?
Hi codegrrl, I am in a similar situation. My wife though is completely unaware of my sexual orientation. You asked if it was selfish to remain in a marriage where there is no sex. I think it goes beyond that. Sex is obviously only one element of intimacy. I think that as you identify more and more as a lesbian, you will want to be in a lesbian relationship. So, unless you and your husband have a "closed loop" relationship, I think you should examine your options. You may not want a divorce, but do you think you're husband might want one eventually? After all, intimacy is part of marriage and he has a right to happiness too. I hope it all works out for you!
I slept in a lazy boy chair the last couple of months in the house after he mindfucked/guilted me into 1 last ....
Oh Rose! But you're out of there now, right? I'm still sharing that bed most nights - although the Great Wall has taken up residence in between us - THANKFULLY! But still, almost every night I do exactly as Codegrrl described. He goes to bed and I wait an hour or two before I slip in. Virtually every morning he is gone before I wake up. It's an awkward and exhausting existence.
Yup-Out of house! Got a awesome lil apt. Love it! Son does too. Told him the money we save on smaller apt means we can go on a vacation next year. (He wants to go somewhere on an airplane). Codegrrl -your not being selfish. You need to be honest w/yourself and your husband about both what you want and need in a/the relationship. There are couples I have been told that make it work. I think it depends on how important sex is to both spouses.
